October Skies

Success!!!

2008-12-13T18:53:00.003-05:00

I did it! I wrote the novel, and I have it edited. It's a sense of accomplishment that's kinda nice. For a month I had a diversion to focus on. But now the holidays are squarely upon us and I can't help but be reminded of the goal I'm still holding out for. So I'll try to come back and write more in the Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/Eid season, but tonight, getting ready for what should be a festive evening, it just makes me sad thinking about the fact that what I truly want for Christmas will have to wait. But before I tear up again and this makeup trails off my face, it's time to go to a party.

Happy Holidays to all!

Success!

2008-11-08T14:02:00.002-05:00

I have to start this post on a positive note, or it will turn into grousing, like so many other things in my life at this point, and that's not what I'm going for.

I did it! I made it through the election season without tipping my had which way I wanted to go. Those of you who know me know that I work somewhere that I'm not supposed to reveal my opinion. And in the final two and a half months of the election season, that got harder and harder to do. Any comment, no matter how it was intended, was perceived as bias or an attempt to influence those within my sphere. I had to stop blogging because every time I even made a quip it looked slanted, or could at least be perceived that way. So I figured, if I couldn't even blog about my choice, I'd best not blog at all. I stayed away, and I did it! I didn't tip my hand, I played devil's advocate in conversations - only my closest confidants know how I voted. Even the economy/health-care debate the broke out at my own birthday dinner... and that was a hard one for me to avoid.

Of course, there were other things keeping me from the keyboard as well. Working three different shifts over the course of a week tends to make me want nothing more than sleep when I'm not working. Turning another year older led to a week's worth of partying, which was the only positive reason... For the most part work has consumed my life. Even Halloween, no one got to see the nifty costume I made, because I was detained at work for a site survey that lasted till midnight. So, to wrap this up before I grouse, I'm ready for a change. But my life is at someone else's disposal until after the first of the year.

Until then, I am trying something else for a sense of satisfaction. I'm trying NaNoWriMo. That's the exercise where you write a novel in a month. Mine will be no good - my friend talked me into it at the last minute so I'm a touch behind. But I'm trying it. ANd I'm hitting the lack of motivation point. The where do i go next point. So I'm letting you all know that I'm doing it in hopes that shame of not finishing will push me forward.

Wish me luck!

The List of Firsts

2008-09-30T20:30:00.002-04:00

As I sit here and wait for the laundry to finish it's extra rinse cycle, I can blog this fairly quickly and easily... so I will. That and I've gotten my fill of discussing politics and the economy at work, and everything else in my life (i.e. the green-eyed monster rearing its ugly head again) seems inconsequential.... At least this is fun :) If you don't think so - blame Farrago for pointing me there!

1. Who was your FIRST prom date?
Went to my Jr and Sr proms without dates, so the first prom date was the exchange student whom I met when I was in college.

2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love?
Yes.

3. What was your FIRST alcoholic drink?
Gin martini (icky)

4. What was your FIRST job?
Snack bar waitress

5. What was your FIRST car?
Midnight blue metallic 1984 Ford Thunderbird

6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today?
Friend inquiring about my day

7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning?
The one who should've been in the bed with the cat and I

8. Who was your FIRST grade teacher?
Mrs. Brondyke

9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane?
New Orleans

10. Who was your FIRST best friend, and are you still friends with him / her?
Kirsten - nope

11. Who was your FIRST kiss?
Robert

12. Where was your FIRST sleep over?
My grandma's house.

13. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today?
Coworkers

14. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time?
Dear Friend from college whom I still keep up with to this day

15. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning?
Hit the snooze

16. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to?
Sylvia

17. FIRST tattoo or piercing?
First piercing, ear lobes

18. FIRST foreign country you went to?Canada

19. First movie you remember seeing in the theater?
The Muppet Movie

20. When was your FIRST detention?
Never got one

21. What was the FIRST state you lived in?
Same one I'm in now

22. Who was the FIRST person to really break your heart?
To break it at the time in as much as I knew of love? Mr Sr. Prom Date
To truly break my heart? Mr. Scientist

23. Who was your first roommate?
College, freshman year

24. With whom was your FIRST date?
Keith

Forget Mind Candy....This One's Mind Jerky!

2008-09-07T13:41:00.003-04:00

Here's the blog post that I promised someone a few weeks ago. Not that it's taken me that long to write it, so much as that long for me to distill the central question to write about. You see, we had a conversation, and he made a statement that confused me, but I couldn't quite express why. There were a few offshoots, but I couldn't get past them to get to the root of it. SO I promised a blog entry.

I thought. I considered. I pondered, recollected, analyzed, and even ruminated... no dice. My brain just didn't want to go there - it kept following the line of thought forward, but not backward to its origin.

Then, Sen. John McCain pulled one of the biggest political gambles in decades.... Gov. Sarah Palin. Really? This is either a glimpse of political genius that we have missed out on because of the controversy on the other side of the ticket.... or one of the stupidest things a candidate could do right now. After hashing this one out with people on both sides and even a few undecideds, I think we'll have to let the historians tell our children that one in books yet to be written.

Having something else to let my mind nosh on for a while shoved our conversation to the back burner, where, as all good unwatched pots do, it boiled over this afternoon I went for a walk around a very flooded lake.

He said that he likes the "me" that he sees right now. Hmmm. Interesting. He's not the only one to say that. In fact, from the ex who moved away to the one I want and everyone in between, most people seem to like this "me" even more. When he said that, the first thought was "what's different?" I've pulled away from people in the last year, become more the staid and stalwart gal who sustained herself as an only child, as half of a relationship that made her feel unwanted, and as the one constantly left behind. I'm reverting to the person who does what she wants because no one really cares what she does. Don't get me wrong, I tried caring for people. I even let a few in after years of complaints that I was too walled off. They are all more comfortable, or so it appears, with that one way relationship from me.

I've started doing more things, but my heart isn't always in it. I don't go out just to avoid being alone any more. Now I sit at home and acknowledge that this is my life. I can choose to throw myself into other people's worlds and have that give-and-take, but with that comes their drama and their pain and the inevitable dragging-down that comes with being a part of their drama instead of an adviser. Those are the people I've stepped back from.

Don't get me wrong - I'm not shutting myself off entirely. Or that's not my intent. But the people whom I want to have as an integral part of my life, have decided they need to pull back from me. It hurts to think that for some I've been that drama they need to avoid, although I can acknowledge that being around me hasn't been as drama-free as I like in the last year and a half. I've done plenty of falling apart and putting myself back together. At times I've had help, and it's help that I actually, and uncharacteristically, welcomed. Lately, though, it's all me because, like Humpty Dumpty, no one wants to be there to put the pieces back together. I'm trying not to speculate about the why.... I get myself into trouble that way, trying to understand other people's actions without asking. Yet when I ask, I get radio silence for days/weeks at a time.

Then, today, as I was walking around the lake, it hit me. The essential question to me, I think, is how so many people can like something that I know is incomplete. Not necessarily "flawed" (any moreso than any other human) or "broken" (which one could argue I've been in the past). Simply missing what I consider to be an essential part for long term happiness. Companionship.
When I had it, I was less likeable, possibly because I knew I didn't quite "have" it yet, but that it was on loan, if that makes any sense. Which poses its own set of problems... another of the forward-thought processes that my brain kept following.

I am missing a significant person in my life. I've had boyfriends, I've had best friends, but all along they've not filled the gap entirely. Now I am free to pursue whatever I want, and am actually encouraged by many people to do so. Problem is, I don't want it. As you scratch your head in wonderment, allow me to explain.

I want companionship (for lack of a word bearing all sorts of inner and hidden and double/triple meanings). I had it. It was wonderful. I made mistakes that let it slip away. It's partially back, and it will take time to see if it ever comes back. Meanwhile, I'm technically free to pursue other offers. I've been told I should do the match.com thing, some eharmony... But I don't want to. I know what I'm missing and I know what piece of the puzzle seems to fit there. Any other pursuit at this point would

waste the guy's time,
therefore proving disrespectful, and
would only be undertaken as an attempt to make someone else feel jealous, which would be a game, and I don't play games.

I know he wants me to see what else is out there. I can't do it. Which may explain also why my male friends like the me they see - I'm a challenge again, a puzzle to figure out. Not sure why my female friends are newly enamored... except that they don't have to give, they can just take now.

So there's the glimpse into my mind, as promised. Now it's time to go feed this kitten who's nudging me as I type!

Note to self....

2008-09-07T12:31:00.002-04:00

... as convenient as it may appear to be, do NOT drop those handy-dandy water-bottle-shaped ice bars into a can od Cherry Vanilla Diet Dr. Pepper. The pink volcano is a bitch to clean up!

$3.51 a Deal?

2008-08-24T23:21:00.002-04:00

I filled up my car on my way home... for $3.51/gallon. And that's a deal! Or should I say, that's a deal?

I remember oh so many weeks ago when the idea of $3.50 gas had people ready to turn in their cars for bikes, to sell homes and walk to work, to cancel summer vacation plans in favor of that new cheesy media term, a "stay-cation."

But now, all is relative. It amazes me just how fickle the American public can be... how quickly the same number can go from "crisis" to "relative bargain." Since it's been higher, albeit just for a few weeks, people now feel relief when they see this, and are driving more again. Considering Labor Day plans because gas is "cheaper". Cheaper. This same number that was a crisis point on the way up now elicits a sigh of relief on the way down.

I really need a Vespa.

A Day of Randomness Inside My Head

2008-07-24T19:33:00.000-04:00

I've spent far too much time inside my own head lately, and I'm not expecting miracles in terms of getting pulled out of it. So instead I thought I'd offer up a few of the random snippets that cross my mind over the course of a day that break up the monotony. Carried a pen and paper today and jotted down a few:

When I talk to my cat, I call her "Kit-ums" sometime. Not that that is anywhere close to her name. Where the heck does that come from?

What does it say when pet-names for pets are weirder than pet names for people?

It bothers me that there's a digital clock in the new sign for the cemetery down the street. There should be no concept of time in a cemetery, and if there is a clock, go old-school analog.

Double-click. It's a simple concept. Think you can try it?

Hmmm... how much more advanced would civilization be if people actually read an entire 2 paragraph email before firing off knee-jerk questions that are answered in the second paragraph?

And how smart-alecky would I sound if I pointed that out?

And those were just before 10 a-m. I'll snark a little more later...

Green-Eyed Monster, Defined

2008-07-16T23:14:00.004-04:00

So at the risk of sounding stupid, I've decided to blog about a lesson that smacked me upside the head in the wee hours of the morning, and turned in my head all night. I've been working a swing shift, and am sleep deprived as a result, which means I'm not in my wittiest of moods. Please forgive.

The word of the night, is Jealousy. That green-eyed monster that we're all supposed to keep in check. Well, he and I had a conversation and I've come to realize, I had him all wrong. Yeah, he's still a monster, but he has his softer spots, and can actually lend a helping hand every once in a while. Just don't depend on him, because then he'll get you into ALL sorts of trouble!

Jealousy and I struck up a chat, complete with all the cursory pleasantries. Then we got to "where are ya from." I had always thought Jealousy came from the state of Mistrust. In the past, acknowledging his existance was an insult both to my character and to my loved one's. It said to me that there was something inherently wrong in either him or me that I didn't trust him, and that true love trusts. It also said that I didn't trust myself. All are deal-breakers for me in a relationship, so therefore, Jealousy and I never got acquainted - I always showed him the door.

I was all wrong.

Jealousy is not an offshoot of how little or how much you trust someone else. Jealousy comes from Fear. Fear of losing something - a connection, a love, a friendship, a position. I've never felt been jealous because I've thought I was trusting people to make good choices. Now, it appears that actually, I was either not invested enough to care about their choices even had they made bad ones, or I was too naive to image they would make a choice at opposition to what I would choose.

Recently, it's the naivety that had gotten me in trouble - I never imagined that someone I was so in step with would choose to do something so blatantly outside of our path. It never occurred to me that if we were walking in step he would question our stride and destination, and walk away on his own. But he did. And all of a sudden, I find myself looking into some very unfamiliar green eyes.

Now that I've found the source of it, I feel a little better about it. It's also given me a direction to take, so that I don't feel as helpless. Just an interesting conversation with our good friend Jay. One I felt like sharing, and you got to be the guinea pigs since you can click away at any time.... :)

Even the Stars Are Right Sometimes

2008-07-12T13:43:00.003-04:00

I have a friend with whom I email frequently at work. We keep each other grounded, awake, and cognizant of the fact that life goes on.

One of the things we do is trade horoscopes, then analyze just how right on, or how off-beat they are for our lives that particular day. We've found The Washington Post to have horoscopes that are a little less vague than most, a little longer, and full of discussion fodder. I don't usually look on the weekends, but today I was killing time and decided to take a peek.

Libra September 23 - October 22
For Saturday, July 12 -The problems of other
people don't interest you too much, right now, and even juicy gossip won't
thrill you the way it used to. Right now you're much more self-involved, which
is quite a switch for you. You've been putting the needs and wishes of other
people before your own for too long, and today your mind wants to find a
balance. Don't you deserve to be a bit selfish once in a while? You don't have
to ignore a friend's call, but you can feel free to let it go to voice mail.

Hmmm.... that's about as square on as a horoscope gets. I'm always there for my friends if they need me, but lately, I've been trying to take more time for myself. The only thing is, there's one person who trumps it all, and he's pushed me to the side. So I'm trying to find that balance with him, and within myself. I've been trying to convince myself that selfish is OK from time to time, especially when it involves telling him what I want instead of asking what's good for him.

But today, I know he needs something. And I want that something to be me. I want to ease his pain, to help him sleep, to take away the mental games and help him be the man I know him to be, the man he's allowed others to beat into a corner of his personality. For me, somewhat, but mostly for him.

And I tangent. Point being, I have been being a little more selfish lately and it's freed up more of me to give to him. And more of me to cry when he refuses me, but I'll keep trying.

The Final Rose

2008-07-07T21:57:00.002-04:00

I hate to admit it, but I watched the final episode of The Bachelorette tonight. I won't spoil it for those of you who may be taping it (as I just learned my friend is - sorry!), but all I'll say about the outcome is that I would have taken the other one. But to each their own and that is why everyone is said to have a soulmate.

I'm writing more because my mind has been on love a lot lately. One thing that has always bothered me about these love reality shows is the question, is it really love? These shows have the resources to take couples on dream date after dream date. to set up scenarios that whisk them out of reality and into a fantasy world where everything is roses. So are they pledging lifelong fidelity (because even if it doesn't work, it's still a life-long pledge at the time) to someone with whom they're compatible in the real world, or merely in a cotton-candy construct of Hollywood's making?

To watch this woman say she's falling in love with two people at once, but one moreso than the other really reinforces that to me. No reflection on her - she's just a human being plopped down in the middle of an amazing situation. But to fall so hard for two people... to me, just says that she's in love with the emotional journey and the situation just as much as the people.

Not that I have any remarkable insight here, I'm just bothered by this whole thing. I see the contrived scenarios they put these couples in to spark chemistry, and it makes me think of my own love life. I've fallen for someone with whom I don't need grandiose scenery and expensive dates to achieve love and affection. Dancing in an auditorium with a personal concert? I can't imagine it feeling any better than swaying in the living room with the right person as the mix CD we made plays behind us. An individual fireworks show? I get my own sparks when I see him. Now, if only I could see him.

The Auction, part 2

2008-06-29T12:05:00.002-04:00

Thanks for asking - the auction was a disappointment, mostly because of a lack of advertising. The auction house we used didn't send out their direct mailings, and even told regulars not to come. Add in a flash flood warning, and a faltering economy, and the fact that the auction house turned away donors, and it was not a pretty sight.

The good news is that we did make a little money, so at least all the effort didn't send us into the red.

Absolutes... that aren't

2008-06-29T06:57:00.000-04:00

I was always brought up to believe that there are a few absolutes in this world. Not too many, mind you, but a handful by which most everyone lives their lives and that, if I adopted as my moral constitution, would be the proper way to live in society without being a selfish person. I'm not talking religious beliefs - I was brought up to recognize the similarities between faiths and recognize those basic tenets they share as the basis for living a good and positive life. Don't kill is a pretty simple one that I've been able to follow without problem. Don't steal is pretty easy too.

My issue these days comes when I'm talking basic humanity. Be kind to others. Take their interests into account. Respect your elders. Don't intentionally hurt anyone, be it physically or emotionally. Put the needs of your loved one first. These, I was taught, would always be respected. Act in this way, in the interest of others, especially the interest of those whom you love, and forgiveness and understanding are always possible should you make a mistake.

That doesn't seem to be the case right now.

I've spent the last year and a half acting in what I saw as the best interest of one I love. He doesn't agree. But I can't tell you where he quit agreeing and decided that I wasn't forgiveable any more... or at least that I didn't deserve his care and affection and love anymore.

All I can do is ask his forgiveness and hope that he will see that my feelings haven't changed, and have even grown, because in not knowing his mindset toward me was what was changing in his life, my feelings continued to grow. I actually saw encouragement in his actions and now have been crashed onto the pavement, locked out and left to wait for him to decide whether I deserve a place in his life.

So I wait. And wonder what ever happened to the absolutes I was taught as a child. And decide that even the absolutes of life... aren't. Just wish I hadn't had to lose to learn this lesson.

Wish me Luck!

2008-06-21T12:08:00.004-04:00

The time-sink known as a charity auction I've been organizing for the last three months is only hours away. Preview starts at 2, bidding at 4 and all over with by 5:30. Wow... hard to believe that 3 months of work will be over with, evaluated, and wrapped up in an hour and a half. It's been laden with drama, but next time, we won't get caught off guard by jumping in mid-stream. Then I can get back to living my OWN drama-laden life. Ugh.

Anywho, this is the major fundraiser for three animal rescues that are being flooded with applications now that the economy is turning downard. Wish us luck.

It's Official...

2008-06-13T00:01:00.003-04:00

.. I'm Carrie. Definitely Carrie. My Facebook quiz says it, my friends all say it, and now, after seeing the Sex and the City movie last night, I have to agree.

So if I'm Carrie Bradshaw, who's Mr. Big? I've discovered in recent weeks that I'm the kind of person who obviously inspires men to make "grand gestures" then leave my life. Another one appears to be laying the groundwork to leave right now. Each one, in his own way, exhibiting that "big" love, then departing. So which one gets to be Mr. Big? Cause right now, I'm crumbling and all I want is the happy ending.

Random Thoughts

2008-05-16T23:22:00.003-04:00

Can I just say it feels so good to sit down at a computer and NOT be sending out auction solicitation letters! I should be writing more emails, but instead, I'm typing with one hand and petting the cat with the other. Meow!

Anyway, a few more random observances from the last few days, since i don't have the wherewithal to come up with a coherent post....

There's nothing quite like coming home to a kitty cat who thinks she's a dog. Meets you at the door, then is small enough to crawl into your lap.
The problem with ballet? It goes on about a half hour longer than it should. Just when the story ends, there's always a party or some other reason for people to do about 20 minutes worth of alternating solos!
My cat and I are far too much alike.
My car and I are far too much alike, too.
It's been 10+ years since I've done the dating thing - no wonder I'm no good at it!
I don't even want to do the dating around thing - I just have to find the way to tell one person that he's it.
I'm way tired of being that strong woman who does everything alone. I did that even when I was in a relationship... it's wearing really thin.
Fur therapy is awesome!

Solitude

2008-04-20T23:02:00.002-04:00

I feel like talking to someone, but I don't know to whom. I feel like writing, but I don't know what to say.

It's been a long weekend. After I left a party on Friday night, the next time my phone rang was early this morning... a good friend letting me know his father had taken a turn for the worse. Then again, time to time today, with updates. But no one else until my (still feels strange to call him my) ex called this evening. Were it not for a tragedy, no one would have tried to contact me except someone who doesn't want me.

Don't get me wrong - I got a lot done on the charity event I'm working on. And I sat on the couch and crocheted quite a bit. But tonight I feel remarkably unsettled. I feel like there's something amiss and I can't put a finger on it. In part with me, because I know there are two people I should call tonight and I don't feel up to being someone else's rock or putting on a cheery face tonight. And in part with someone who I know was going through a life change this weekend and hasn't called to keep me in the loop. Not that I have to know everything mind you... just that, well, no news is supposed to be good news, but I'm the paranoid type when predictable people waiver from their patterns. So now I'm unsettled.

Add to that I'm very aware this weekend of being alone. I'd rather be single than be in a bad relationship (not that I have been, just saying I'm not one of those women for whom ANYTHING is better than NOTHING), but sometimes I want that comfort. I want that kindness. I'm just not in the mood for the whole "getting to know you" deal. I don't find myself interested in the sparks flying of beginning a relationship. I just want someone, male OR female, with whom I can be me. Sit on the couch, lean on them, not bear the burdens myself kind of "me." A male would be preferable, as it would be nice to be able to lean into them and fall asleep, but at this point I'd take the female companionship that goes beyond just listening.

Anyway, end of venting. I had a few things this week I wanted to post about, but didn't get to. I promise, a vent on the Supreme Court at some point this week.

Thanks for listening. I'm still paranoid, and still unsettled, but still - I needed that.

Barenaked Ladies, This One's For You

2008-04-15T22:27:00.002-04:00

No, not porn stars.... the wacky Canadian group. You know, BNL... "If I had a million dollars..."

In honor of Tax Day here in America, a sentence for you to finish:

If I won the lottery, I would . . .

I'll start:

If I won the lottery, I would work until I knew what I was going to do with the money. I would travel for a year, and bring friends with me who would appreciate where we were going and enjoy what we saw. I would go to law school. I would set aside money for my kids for college (even though I don't have them yet). I would buy myself an historic home and renovate it. I would buy season tickets to all the local theater groups.

See... I think small. And you?

The Mouse in the Sky Keeps on Clickin'

2008-04-13T18:19:00.000-04:00

It's a long way to go for the post title, but I'll get there. Just bear with me.

So I'm driving home this weekend from a road trip, and I had a thought. With plenty of time to develop it, it turned into a stream of thoughts.

The argument could be made that America's form of democracy has outlived its usefulness.

Let me insert a disclaimer here - I'm proud to be an American, even though my name is NOT Lee Greenwood. I'm not saying that we should scrap democracy, but 200 years is a long time for one form of government in these times where we've seen so many developments in just the last generation. This as compared to a time when multiple generations could go by without significant technological advancements. Athens could not support a direct democracy after growing to a critical size - I'm just suggesting we tweak a bit.

We have already proven in 2000 that the electoral college is flawed, and in 2004 the impact that modern communication technology can have on the outcome of an election. This year, the close race on both sides of the ballot, and the fact that one of them will come down to superdelegates, proves that America has outgrown a primary calendar and staggered votes. Or at least the idea that those early voters are indeed a representative sample of the populace and will choose what the nation would choose.

In a word, it comes down to technology. Technology has finally allowed us to catch up with democracy. All the safeguards built into the Constitution can now be negated. The time between Election Day and the Inauguration covered time for the electoral college to travel to cast their ballots. That can now happen in a day, without travel. The electoral college was established to protect the nation from an uninformed electorate. That was a day when not everyone could read, and word traveled by horseback. Not so, these days. Education is a basic right and infomation is disseminated with the click-clack of a keyboard. Anyone who wants to be even more informed can seek it out for themselves, from one of a number of sources.

Tradition can go by the wayside as well - candidates can get their message out with the telephone, the television, and most importantly, the internet. Online forums replace debates in some cases, as candidates can participate from anywhere as long as they have broadband or wireless. Therefore, why do they need to fall back on the idea of a scheduled set of primaries, focusing on a set of states that, in actuality, do not provide a representative sample of the American public. Yet we maintain that system, with a nominee decided by Super Tuesday, and those states who fall after that date having no say in the selection process, whether they like the nominees or not.

The closeness of the race this year underscores that point. The fact that the Democratic race could come down to the final primaries and even, perhaps, the superdelegates, shows that the entire electorate deserves a voice, and not a less-than-scientific sample established mainly bu tradition.

These thoughts were swirling in my head when I found this article from the Washington Post. A Click-ocracy! How perfect! Opinions, information, and social circles, all transmitted by internet. Point, click, live a life unfettered - all online. Could "Vote" be next?

The Mouse in the Sky Keeps on Clickin'.....
Don't know what I'll read tomorrow...

See... isn't Journey awesome???

purrrrrr

2008-04-09T23:34:00.001-04:00

This post derailed by a beautiful black cat who wants my hands on her and not the keyboard.

More deep thoughts to come tomorrow....

This is a Test....

2008-03-31T22:44:00.003-04:00

This is a test. This is only a test of the Emergency Blogging System. Were this an actual blogging, the ton....

What?

This is a real post?

Damn!

Ok, ok, ok... I'm back. Back by popular demand in the true sense of popular, cause there weren't THAT many people clamoring for my return, but those who were, are damn persuasive!

In the time we've been apart, dear readers, life has taken a few twists and turns and careened around more than a few corners. Even so, we're still here. You, me, the blogosphere. It's all still here, as much as there are times we wish it all away. As much as there are times we want to close our eyes and wake up in someone else's life. It, and we, are still here.

That said, I managed to distill some thoughts from the swirly morass that substitutes for my brain at times.

Ever looked at a skein of yarn? See all the different layers and twists, but if you pull from the wrong spot, it creates tension, and you can't separate the parts as they collapse on themselves and tie themselves in knots. However, find the one true strand and pull one of the ends, and voila, it all separates like it was intended to, and can be fashioned into whatsoever you please, and it can be done as you go instead of having to pull it all, untie it, and then begin your work.

I haven't found my "true end" yet, but I'm getting very close - and have a great idea of what it looks like. In the end, I'm a simple person, one who is looking for a few things, but things that are quite important to me:

I need love, but I'm not willing to ask for it. I need someone who loves as I do - giving, and considerate as a baseline, not as a tool by which to impress. He has it.

I desire respect, and I'm willing to earn it. Work to gain it, and work to keep it. I will not take it for granted.

I want to be challenged, and I'm willing to seek that out. Wherever it takes me. I can always turn it down, but it's not my decision to make if I don't go after it to start with.

I want to live, not by someone else's rules, but by my own. And if that means I'm an eccentric who turns into a fuddy duddy on certain topics, sobeit.

So why, then, do I find myself constantly drawn to those men and women who don't allow me to live this way? And how long until the one who does let me, will be in a position to let me.?

End of test. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog-reading.

So long, 2007

2007-12-31T00:39:00.001-05:00

Should auld acquaintance be forgot.....

Less than 24 hours are left in 2007 at this point, and they can't pass quickly enough. Usually, I don't make New Year's Resolutions because I don't see the difference between making a change on one day or another. I don't put much stock in life changing because a clock chimed midnight. However, this year, I'm so desperate that I'll take anything.

2007 has tried to wrench every last drop of life out of me, and it's made quite the run. I've dealt with the bulk of it offline.... most of it personal enough, cuts that swipe so deep that I don't even have the desire to try and disguise them for the purposes of a blog. But I can sum it up in a few words. Tonight, I sit alone typing this in my house. A series of choices have put me here, and I know that. I'm just not happy with it, and the choices I've made to try to change that have left me even more alone. That, however, is another dissertation for another post.

That said, here's 2007 by the numbers:

2 - very important people in my life who moved away. And by moved away, I mean beyond week-end roadtrip distance.

5 - couples who got engaged

1 - amazingly fun wedding

1 - amazingly random wedding

4 - cupcakes that led to an awesome friendship

6 (at least) - fantabulous people to whom I've grown closer than I ever realized, and whom I should thank for helping me keep my sanity

2 - rooms repainted in my house as I searched for that sanity

25 - pairs of shoes now in my new organizer

3 - days it took me to clean out the two upstairs bedrooms so that I could have people over again

10 - out of town destinations I hit this year... I think.... destinations only, not states I flew over on the way

10 + the District - states I drove through in a U-Haul getting my friend to her new job

3 - days I spent in NYC trying to see an art exhibit that wasn't meant to be.

3 - hours spent at an amazing art exhibit here at home

1 - dance weekend organized

1 - family member's passing

3 - funerals attended

2 - jobs I still work

1 - Christmas ever spent alone in my lifetime, and this was it

1 - Midnight kiss I won't get on New Years Eve.

so many I can't count:

unsolicited rude comments from strangers
people who think they can run my life better than I can
broken heart moments
bad dreams
sleepless nights
pictures taken
memories made
memories relived
hours spent trying to unravel my thoughts from their Gordian knot into a straight piece of mental twine

And

1 - person who made it all worth it

1 - person I want to spend next New Year's Eve with

So long, 2007. Here's to a better year ahead for all. Salute!

An Unaddressed Letter with Your Answers

2007-12-25T16:12:00.002-05:00

I want their input on where our lives are going. I want to see
their ideas on our future. I admit I am too quick to spout out ideas and dreams, and they are listened to with patient ears. But I am ready to know what is expected of me. Tell me. Ask me. Demand of me. I want to
know.

My ears may be patient, but my mind is not. For every time I bite my lip so as not to pressure you, I have 10 thoughts of where life could go. All I know for certain is that I want you by my side as it unfolds. You should know me well enough to know, I do not make demands. Do not expect that to change in the present situation. You are a person with much on your plate. I am happy right now with what I can get, but there will be more. There will be a time in the future when I am figured into the equation. Until then, I don't know that I can ask for this outright, but in my world, here's what I want.

I want a ring. I want the promise that the future holds. I want a white dress and a flower girl and a ring bearer and crowds of family and friends saying how happy they are. I want well wishes and the hope of tomorrow.

I want stability. I want to know that this time is mine and that time is yours. I want my rock to stop rolling and to stay in one place. When I am in need, I want to know you'll be there, no question. I want you to know you have me always, thick or thin. I want the privilege of being able to ask your time be devoted to me. I want you to ask that my time be for you.

I want experience. I want you to teach me to kayak. I want to teach you the arts. I want to seek out things we've never done and learn them together, one step at a time, and to laugh with each other each step of the way. I want to experience love at its fullest.

I want bravery. You give me the courage I lack. I want to step forward with you and try things that I, myself, am sure to fail. I want to know that you are here. Not there. Here.

I want family. I want love. I want it all. And I want to share it all with you. Sounds easy, yes?

So that's just a glimmer of the many places my mind goes. I have plans. I have ideas. And perhaps, next Christmas, they will be more than just dreams.

Merry Christmas, dear.

I'm Mobile!!!!

2007-11-27T00:57:00.000-05:00

Yay me! I have finally broken down and purchased that piece of sanity known as a laptop. I'm still getting used to the posture and all, but after spending the last 2 days locked in a battle with both the wireless router and a mouse I've not-so-affectionately named Squeaky and Co., I can't say how thrilled I am to have something WORK!

We'll attack Squeaky in another post.

Stage or Screen?

2007-11-13T21:20:00.000-05:00

Okay, okay... I've been gone for a while. I've been writing, they've just been long and involved emails to my friend's new girlfriend talking about the meaning of life and the timing of love and all the deep, thought provoking things I used to write here, but I've been too tired to copy over for your reading interest.

Anyway, Farrago has been badgering me to return to the pixel pages that are my blog... and I was strting to formulate a good return post. Had it all in my head, then went to read his tag.... and it's a meme. No worries. I'll just have to let the other idea stew a while longer....

Popcorn? or Candy?

Popcorn, hands down! There's NOTHING like that movie theater popcorn all sogged down in ooey-gooey butter... mmmmm. And then finding that one kernel so damp it's dripping and the butter has soaked all the way through.... Oh, sorry... are you still reading? Back to business.

Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever.

Um, just about anything that the rest of the world has already seen... I'm not a big movie person, so I'm always WAAAAAY behind. But I guess I'd have to say... The Graduate?

Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe.

Oooo... so many choices, so little time to wear them all... I tend to go for mvies that really don't have iconic costumes, and those that do I'd not want to add to my wardrobe. So I'll have to say anything worn by Juliette Moore in The End of the Affair. I do so love period pieces, the 40s attire accentuates my waist, and hats are my forte.

Your favorite film franchise is…

Star Wars, hands down. Unless you can count John Hughes' 80s movies or John Cusack's 80s movies.

Invite 5 movie characters over for dinner. Who are they and why did you invite them?

This question really makes me wish I watched more movies....

Rob Gordon from High Fidelity. I'd love to quiz him and listen to his music tracklists for any occasion over the evening.
Inara from Serenity. Okay, this one is cheating - I'm actually basing the question on her character in Firefly, but she's in a movie playing the same character, so all is good.
Princess Buttercup from The Princess Bride . 20 years have passed since her true love came to town. How'd she fare?
Christian from Moulin Rouge - to learn how to live without the love that slipped through your fingers.
And the last comes in a pair - Jesse and Celine from Before Sunrise because I think I could learn so much from their story.

Wow - too much talking and not enough action. Oh well.

What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater?

Stealing their popcorn and drink while they're gone (or turning them over to their movie companion, should they have one) and forcing them to mortgage their home and sign away their first-born to pay for a second set of movie concessions at those over-inflated prices.

Choose a female bodyguard:

Um...Angelina Jolie! Really! Is there a doubt?

What's the scariest thing you've seen in a movie?

The logic that shows most large corporations fit the WHO criteria for a psychopath. Yeah, sad that a documentary fits here, but I don't watch scary movies.

Your favorite genre (excluding “comedy” and “drama” ):
Historical fiction

You are given the power to greenlight movies at a major studio for one year.
I would find three big blockbusters and make them - one to release at the start of summer, one at July 4th and one at Christmas. Those would finance everything else I did for a year. Then I'd go find all the Oscar contenders that no one wanted, the movies that tell a story and that could make a difference. The art film, the period pieces, the biographies and the quirky comedies that people don't know they want to see because they never get made.

Bonnie or Clyde?
Thelma and Louise!

In Case of Emergency Remix

2007-10-10T20:05:00.001-04:00

Evidently being single and alone in my workplace is not an option.

Those forms I had to fill out were returned to me this week, with a little post-it note that said "Please fill in"

With what? Or more to the point, with whom?

Is it no longer socially acceptable to be a single female in this workplace? What are you supposed to do if you just don't have anyone you're that close to? I'm sorry, but the people closest to me are the people farthest from me... or they're so absent minded they wouldn't remember where I live or anything else about me. Good hearted souls, but the mind... not all there.

So I scrolled through my inbox and picked one. She's a newcomer, but I know she would at least know who to ask to get the info she would need. And she's on better terms than I am right now.

Once again, I beat the system

When?

2007-10-06T23:30:00.000-04:00

When is a broken heart more than a broken heart? No, it's not a riddle.. I don't have a smart aleck answer stuffed up my sleeve somewhere. It's a question that was posed to me earlier today, albeit not in as many words. It was the kernel of contemplation that I took away from a conversation filled with queries.

Usually, I at least have a theory on these things, but this one truly hit me out of the blue. A friend's actions disappointed me immensely. And while I've forgiven him the actions, it still hurts that he is willing to sacrifice our friendship over things that we should be able to weather without issue. I called him friend. I trusted him. A trust and a kindness that has been repaid with strained silence when I needed him most, when I just need people around whom I can be myself.

Tonight I was called out on the strength of my reaction. Was there more to us than met the eye? Which led to a deeper conversation that boiled down to this: Friends can break your heart... sometimes harder than a lover. So when is a broken heart more than a broken heart?

In Case of Emergency, Please Call...

2007-09-18T20:15:00.000-04:00

...No one.

I was at work today, filling out the annual update on our "on the job emergency" contact forms and it occurred to me. I don't have an Emergency Contact.

Sure, my parents can fill the secondary slot, but they're at least five hours away should anything happen. There is now officially no one in town whom I trust enough, care for enough, and whom I believe would care enough and know enough about me to be listed as my primary contact.

The one who filled that slot for so many years is now 500 miles away starting over. The friend who took his place last year - now 800 miles away. And the one who just two weeks ago could have filled that void in a pinch, now no longer speaking to me.

No wonder I've felt like an interloper for a while now. No wonder I feel this city is so foreign. It's all making sense now.

80s Video Game Deathmatch

2007-08-30T23:25:00.000-04:00

Now that I have your attention...

We all have our own analogies for life. Life is like a garden... an airplane....a busy highway...a shopping mall. Driving home tonight, I came up with a new one. Life is like....a 1980s video arcade.

Think about it...

Sometimes, life is Ms Pac Man - day after day, eating the dots, doing what's expected and avoiding the trouble that's on your tail. However, every once in a while (4 times per board), you get the chance to turn on those who chase you, have your shining moment in the sun, and get your revenge before you move back on, eating the dot dot dot dot dot dot dot.

Sometimes, life is Donkey Kong - You climb the ladder, only to find out it doesn't take you where you want to be. So you shift lanes/patterns/paths/ideas and climb another, to find something coming right at you when you get there. And every once in a while, just when you think you've got the bait and switch routine down pat, the Universe throws a temper tantrum and stomps on your plans, shifting them all in a domino fashion and you begin again from round one.

Sometimes, life is Galaga - you have all the fire power you want, but you can only move in one plane, while the forces acting against you can move in two. It takes some artful moves to survive those days.

Sometimes, life is Jungle Hunt - You're swinging, back and forth, over the pitfalls. One false move and *chomp* you're dinner! Then you get on solid ground, only to have boulders come hurling themselves at you to trip you up. The decision being....jump? Or Crouch?

Sometimes life is Frogger - well . . . there's no comparison needed there. Life really *is* Frogger!

Sometimes life is Double Dragon - you and a trusted companion versus the world. Times you can defeat all comers, and at times, the world gets you.

Right now, my work life is Ms Pac Man and my personal life is Jungle Hunt. What did I leave out? And what is yours?

While we're sharing...

2007-08-26T16:17:00.001-04:00

...I want to share one more thing I read this week... Here's a little taste:

Tangoing Cheek to Cheek for 3 Minutes in the Park

It was a sultry 6 p.m. in Central Park, and over by the 1872 Shakespeare
statue at Literary Walk, melancholy rhythms spilled from two speakers propped up on park benches.

Courtenay Nugent rose. He asked Fran Beaumont to dance. There they
were: the two it took to tango.

They moved sensually across the asphalt pavers, counterclockwise around
the monument, under a coquettish breeze and what was to become a limitless
starry sky and an oblong moon. As dozens of onlookers watched over the next
three hours, about 50 couples swayed to the steps of the dance that has been
called a three-minute love affair.

The New York Times played this article front and center on their home page Friday. It's amazingly refreshing to know that one of the remaining bastions of journalism can find room for amazing writing and intriguing storytelling...WITHOUT squirreling it away in the recess of its web pages.

Thank you, NYTimes.com Now if only the rest of the journalistic world could follow suit.

Sunday Commentary

2007-08-26T16:13:00.000-04:00

I know that in America we are indeed VERY lucky to have a separation of church and state...something most of us take for granted. However, this one takes the cake.

As of next month, China has banned Buddhist monks in Tibet from reincarnating without government permission.

It's a political move, of course. What isn't these days... Now, tell me... who can control their next life from this one? And if you can, why aren't you doing more either (1) in this life to ensure a better next life, or (2) to rig the lottery so your future self can give half to charity and STILL have no worries whatsoever?

Just sayin'...

Shutting Down

2007-08-18T17:29:00.001-04:00

I had a good run there for a while...I was on a roll. but now, I feel myself shutting down. Just turning off my interest in anything in my own life. Turning off feelings, turning off desires, just turning off and tuning out.

I find myself not sure how to live. I go to work, I push myself to excel there. However, when I get home,I don't know what to do. What does the world want from me, and what do I want from it? I've lived so little of my life for myself, and it's a hard pattern to break. I mentioned earlier about the whole new volume theory? Well, this one is starting out a lot like the last one...this week alone, I spent one night helping a friend assemble items for her work, I was late to a birthday party because I was trying to help keep it a surprise, I spent my Friday night helping a friend with something, and I spent today doing the same. I don't know how to live what I want because what I want is to make those closest to me, happy. Problem being, that's what got me in the hole that became the Grand Canyon from which I am now trying to extract myself. It's a fine line of who I am versus taking it to an extreme.

But, there has to be a bright side, right? I mean, at least I'm not starting this volume tied to railroad tracks in a hoop skirt like some damsel in distress......

Le sigh

2007-08-16T22:46:00.001-04:00

Sometimes I can run, and sometimes I run but I don't mean to. Either way, life still catches up with me.

I didn't blog last night because I was just way too busy. I went to work, then left and went to our local arts council for a few hours, then off to fix a water leak in the ex-b-f's house....because he's out of the state!... and then dancing and a phone call to another night owl that by the time all was done...I was too tired to type.

On one hand, the universe will take care of me. Randomly, a friend from DC to whom I've never considered myself close sent me a text in the afternoon. Then she called as I dealt with the whole house issue thing. Which was likely an amazing thing since I would probably have walked around in that empty house one last time, looking at it like I did before she called. Remembering things as they were, imagining things as they could have been.

It's starting to hit me that he's gone. In part because it's been some time now, and in part because he's starting to treat me like everyone else. When I called to wish him a happy birthday, he simply said, "Call me later."

Right now, the big thing to me is that there's no one who even cares to hear the mundanities (is that a word? Well, if not, it is now!) of my daily life. The little things that make one day stand out from the rest. That's probably a good thing right now though, because I'm noticing that there really is nothing to make each day stand out from the rest. It's a simple attempt to keep living and make my mark in the world out of both selfish and selfless pursuits. I've always tried to be selfless and give as much of myself as I can to others because it makes them happy. but now that I'm quite solitary, I find myself having a slightly ulterior motive. If I make people happy, maybe someone will notice when I'm not? Maybe someone will see that I'm here? Or will no one notice that day that I don't feel I can pull myself out of bed. I want someone to see me. Just a little. Tonight, I felt remarkably invisible. I went out to a friend's birthday dinner, and I think I said maybe three lines the entire conversation. And no one cared. This I know because I managed to say goodbye to the birthday girl, but my goodbyes to the rest of the crowd (all 5 of them) went unacknowledged.

Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself tonight. I'm sorry. Please feel free to skip this entry, but I need to get it out somewhere and as I've said, I have no ear to bend.

What's your sign?

2007-08-14T23:36:00.001-04:00

I'm a Libra, but my honest answer would have to be, "Yield." I've always given in to other people's desires, and two have held a particular amount of sway. If you read the previous post, you know that they're both gone.

My best friend has moved to a town 800 miles from door to door, a town whose name has as many vowels as it does consonants. She's the one that believes in signs, but I tell ya, after the last three days, it may be rubbing off on me a bit too.

Sunday, I had no more gotten in my car at the airport, than my cell phone rings. A friend of mine who NEVER calls me, wanting to watch a movie and drink some wine. I declined, having just gotten into town and all. Then I went to the grocery store, where I ran into three people I knew (and no, they weren't all together). I NEVER run into anyone I know at the store. Period!

Monday afternoon, an old friend came back into my life unexpectedly. Mark, the man about whom I blogged this randomness a few years back, works for a company that supports a program I use at work. So he ended up transferred to my extension. The conversation was brief and professional, but there's still that extra flash of thinking I'd never hear from him again. Then I came home, and a cat tried to adopt me, a black one at that. I have a certain affinity for black animals, mostly because I know the superstition still runs deep in these parts.

Today, the little things continued to add up. An evening at trivia with a new friend....coffee with two more where I unexpectedly ran into yet another.... This means one of two things..

1) The universe is pinging me over the head to say "You'll be okay...trust me" (And if that's the case, then maybe we really ARE someone's version of SIMS, as suggested in The Times this morning....)

or

2) I should have called this post "I NEVER..."

Since I'd have to both change the title AND alter the first paragraph of this post if that were the case, I think I'm forced to choose #1.

Can I cry yet?

2007-08-12T23:04:00.000-04:00

Life can't be summed up in a paragraph or five....or even as a book. At best, a well-told life story would fill volumes, a series of books dog-eared and finger-worn from being read and re-read to generations as they go. It's not often that you are fully aware that you are about to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard), armed with the knowledge that you're about to write the next volume.

The last month has been a whirlwind of change for me. The best way to put it... the people to whom I've devoted the last 10 years of my life - my ex-boyfriend and my best friend - have both moved away. 10 years of living departed my life in the span of 10 days. I just got back from moving her out, and now, it seems, the next phase of my life will start.

But do I want it to? And how do I live it?

Stepping off the plane to return home tonight, it hit me. I am alone. No one cares that I survived the hell that is traveling our nation's airlines these days. There's no one to call and share the little joys and victories in life.

And that scares me.

It all hit me when I got home. Hit me so hard that I blew off my plans for the night and stayed in to talk to my ex on the phone. Turns out, he loved me more when I had no emotions...more than he does now when I tell him how much I miss him.

Which leads me to the question of the night. Can I cry now? Will anyone notice?

Things I Noticed This Weekend

2007-06-25T20:36:00.000-04:00

I don't think that I ever have to worry about becoming an alcoholic. I'm a social drinker, and I will have a drink when I'm home if I feel like I'm in the mood for that flavor. But this weekend, I noticed that the worse things get, the less likely I am to want to touch alcohol. I have yet to go on what a friend of mine calls "The Breakup Bender" and the same bottle of wine has been in my refrigerator for weeks now.

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That said, Mango Vodka is too sweet, unless it's had from the freezer with Tom Collins mix.

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I went to my first Jewish wedding this weekend. Although I didn't understand everything (obviously), one thing I really did like was that the couple spent 95% of the ceremony facing those who had come to see them get married. I think I know where it comes from - the bigger emphasis on community versus the closed doors of the family unit - but there's something I like about embracing the community versus standing with your back to the people you've invited to share this special moment.

To me, if they're important enough to share the moment, they shouldn't be looking at her veil and his hair. It's only through the support of others when times get rough that you get through the rough times. So that was an aspect that just struck me.

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I can't tell if my dancing is getting better or worse. Or maybe it's just that I danced with different people and therefore taxed different elements of my abilities. Who knows.

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If you ever dance with me, don't try to lead with my hair!

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If we call raw fish, sushi...what do sharks call raw humans?

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Caveat - since we call sushi after the rice and not the fish, what would we have to be wrapped in for sharks to have a name for raw humans?

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I could BATHE in sunscreen and it wouldn't be enough. There will always be one spot that gets scorched - at least on a person with my complexion.

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Karaoke is even better in large groups. Sometimes it doesn't even need music...just a handful of people who can't get a song out of their head.

Answering a rhetorical question

2007-06-18T23:34:00.000-04:00

A slightly deeper post this evening...and I welcome your feedback as well. So sit back, grab a tall one, or a cold one, or a shaken or stirred one, and join the discussion.

For weeks now, a friend has been asking the question, "If you do the right thing for the wrong reasons, is it still right?" He asks everyone he knows, and doesn't offer his own opinion, because he's truly looking for the answer. Everytime he has asked me, I've looked backwards for the answer. I've tried to rationalize different instances where things turned out to be right, or say that it depended on from whose point of view the "right" is determined.

Last night, it hit me. It's not a question of hindsight. It's a question of belief. Not in God or Allah or Vishnu...but in one's own decisions.

When faced with a decision, if you truly choose that which you think is right, you do so because you believe it. "Reasons" do not enter the picture. You do it because you believe it is right, and that IS your reason. Reflection in retrospect allow one to start picking the decision apart, saying, "I thought X and Y so that must be why I chose Z" But at the time, did any of those reasons really cross your mind?

I doubt it.

Opinions? The doctor is in and open for business!

Stereotype...busted!

2007-06-17T17:17:00.000-04:00

Road rage doesn't discriminate. ANYONE can get pissed at the way people drive these days.

Want proof? I got some this afternoon.

So I'm leaving Target and sitting that the red light behind a new Ford Five Hundred with a handicapped placard and an elderly couple inside. (Note - I'm very cautious with the use of elderly...but these both had grey hair and gnarled fingers, so I believe I'm accurate here.)

The light turns green. The Ford doesn't move. I'm in no rush, so I wait...however, when no one moves, the sensor trips rather quickly and it's back to red. Okay - one light cycle down. I keep sitting.

The light turns green. The Ford doesn't move. I'm starting to wonder if everything is pkay in the car ahead of me. That and I'm getting ever so slightly impatient (Hey - I can admit my shortcomings!). So I honk the horn.

The brakelights on the Ford go off. As it starts to roll forward, the man at the wheel and his female companion turn to look at me, and the man flips me off!

So much for kindy older gentlemen in the South!

A Clean Sweep

2007-06-14T18:17:00.000-04:00

Sometimes I hate to admit Mom was right. It's just part of being human..but this is one of those times I have to tip my hat. Or in this case, my glass.

It amazes me, the calming effect a clean house can have...

The last few months have been ones of absolute upheaval in my life. Topsy-turvy craziness ruled my mind, and my actions, and by extension, my house. Bills got paid, then piled...rather than filed. Clothes cluttered nooks and crannies. Crafts took over the living room, because the kitchen table had been consumed by that notorious paper tiger.

Finally, I'd had enough. That's it! I started with the front door – installed a new one. Most people spent Memorial Day weekend by the lake or the pool. I spent it taming that tiger. The next weekend, I tackled the kitchen. Cleared the counters, the cabinets, the top of the fridge, you name it. Top to bottom clean. Bathrooms too – all three of ‘em.

Next – the living room. Furniture moved, crafts put away...I’ve bought organizational aids and a DVD tower to make it all have a place. And voila...a home uncluttered is a home rediscovered. I was quite embarrassed by the appearance of my home and my state of mind. No one had come over in months. In the last few weeks, I’ve had a dinner party, people over for drinks, and for conversation. It’s just nice! And calming – I don’t feel anxiety crawl up my spine every time I walk in the house anymore. A liberating feeling!

One floor down, one to go. The upstairs still needs lots of work. I’m going through my closet right now, making donations to Goodwill and Salvation Army. Then I’ll tackle the rest of the room. And the computer room, well, I need a shredder and a WEEK to get that taken care of. But I’ll start where I can and go from there. After all, That’s a door I can close.

So here’s to Mom. You were right – a clean house IS more important that I ever gave it credit for. But I draw the line at your old tricks of covering the bed in a project that needs completion. After all, I need SOMETHING to call my own way of doing things!

For the Sunset

2007-06-13T19:27:00.000-04:00

Every life needs a witness,
each heart, a listening ear
All weighted minds need a way to escape
so the person inside can take his own shape.

Some have voices that scream to be heard,
their message cried loud and clear.
Some have whispers so quiet and small
their message gets lost in the din of it all.

Regardless of volume, of timbre, of tone,
each thought could spark new fear.
That's why every person who truly pays attention
needs an outside party without condescention

to listen, understand, and uncover the meaning
that's hidden behind each tear.
And with every query seeming to scratch at your soul...
know my only objective is to help you be whole.

I'm thrilled that hope is now in your heart
and liberation feels so near.
And when time and shame no longer bind you,
all I ask...please glance behind you

and remember me standing in your shadows
proud of how you appear,
watching hope spring eternal in the dreams of your heart
as you take first steps for life to start.

Told ya I'm Royalty!

2007-06-02T10:29:00.000-04:00

I'm branching out to other blogs again and this morning I went to Clarity of Night. Jason had posted a What Tarot Card are you? test, and we all know my affinity for those little click and tell tests! So I took it. The Result:

I am the Empress: I can't get the code to copy and paste out of a tabbed browser, so I'll have to type out the info. Forgive me for not offering the cool tarot card picture...

You are The Empress
Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.
The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents, beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.
The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?

Take the Test to Find Out.

Eureka!

2007-06-02T02:14:00.000-04:00

Driving home tonight, I came to a rather odd realization. I think I understand a little more why someone would have a (sober) one-night stand.

When you're drunk, it's one thing. The objective is purely to obtain some part of a member of the opposite sex - his phone number, his tie, his jacket, et cetera. The physical things paired with alcohol - well, we all know what road that travels down. But I'm sober. So where does that leave me?

Tonight, I just didn't want to come home alone. I just didn't want to walk into an empty house and sleep in an empty bed. I've never had the luxury of companionship when we were dating. Yes, a twisted thing, but I was ok with it...I think because I knew it was my choice not to be held or rescued or saved...because I knew it just wasn't right. But now, as times get hard, I don't want to be here alone.

For some people, that need is stronger than for others, and the greater the need, the greater the measures it takes to fill it. My needs are simply cravings...I don't want the sex. I don't want a stranger. However, tonight I would gladly trade emotional strength and pride for comfort. That said, I won't do it, and I'll sleep alone.

Good night

Tag...I'm it!

2007-05-26T20:23:00.000-04:00

A new post from yours truly...

Life's roller coaster has taken me through so many highs and lows in the last month that I can't even keep track of them. I'll try to write through some of them just to clear my head now that the dust is starting to settle. But until then, our friend Farrago has tagged me for a music meme. A good excuse to get into a very easy, lighthearted post.

I'm supposed to pick seven songs I am into for whatever reason, tell you why I am into them, and then tag seven others to shame them to do the same. Of course, I don't have enough readers at this point to TAG seven other people, so I'll hit the ones I can when I'm through.

1: Got My Mojo Workin' by The Asylum Street Spankers. A great, slow, bluesy version of this Muddy Waters classic. And I'm all about dancin' the blues. Yes, dancin'...not singing....it's an amazing skill I'm trying to pickup

2: Word Up by Willis. Remember the 80s song by Cameo..."Wave your hands in the air like you don’t care, glide by the people as they start to look and stare. Do you dance, do your dance quick Mama, come on baby, tell me what’s The Word, ah – word up, Everybody say when you hear the call You got to get it underway, Word up, it’s the code word, No matter where you say it, You’ll know that you’ll be heard.

3: My Dear Country by Norah Jones. Just went to hear her in concert a few weeks back and I hadn't listened all that closely to her new album. But hearing this one in person really drives it home.

4: You Know that I'm No Good by Amy Winehouse. This voice shouldn't come from this woman...and if she keeps up her lifestyle, there's a chance it won't for too many more years. But I love her album...and it was a tossup between this one and Rehab, so I went for the not-yet-single. At least over here.

5: Your Man by Josh Turner. It invokes the old country music feel of the songs I grew up listening to, and here lately I find myself fishing back for that familiar feeling. His voice is amazing. And when it comes down to it, I just want someone to feel this way about me.

6: Hold On by Sarah McLachlan. There have to be a couple of classic faves on this list, and this song has gotten me through plenty of hard times. It's a cry for help, a cry for sanity, a cry just to be crying and a plea for strength and love all rolled into one. Damn...now THAT's a song!

7: For number seven I'll go for a kooky cover that everyone needs to hear at least once. Tori Amos' version of Smells Like Teen Spirit. As crazy as it is, it sums up the teen angst of the 90s for me. Angry song with the feeling and emotion simmering just under the surface, slowly drawing it all to a head of quiet desperation that ebbs into dark despair and abandoned reality. I used to love watching her rock on the piano bench and belt this one out on MTV. Yep - teen rebellion for the non-confrontational set!

Okay - so who to tag. Hmm... If you've already been hit, ignore me

Flash
Ultra
Scott
Schprock
and my reader whose blog isn't quite public yet. (Let me know if I can ever send folks your way, btw)

Insomnia has its privileges

2007-05-02T02:33:00.000-04:00

Sleep? Who needs sleep? I’m starting to see it as a luxury. I get so much more done in the middle of the night.

But more importantly, I see things I don’t normally see. About myself…and elsewhere.

If you haven’t taken a second, go out tonight and look at the moon. It’s nearly full….and fully amazing!

Aiming at a moving target

2007-05-01T22:32:00.000-04:00

I don't know about you, but when you think about space flight, I think aerodynamics...re-enry angles...shuttles and capsules and space stations. But here's one I hadn't thought of before... How do you pray toward Mecca when Mecca's always on the move?

Chew on that one a second.

You see, Malaysia is about to send their first astronaut to go live on the International Space Station for a few months. The astronaut, like much of the nation, is a practicing Muslim...among whose beliefs require prayer, facing Mecca, five times a day. That can be a problem when you're lapping the Earth.

The country plans to cut the astronaut a little slack....announcing that the direction of prayers be judged as well as possible, and that an astronaut in space during Ramadan can choose to follow the fast according to an Earth clock, or can make up the fast upon their return.

While I find this interesting, it reinforces to me the main conversation last time I went out of town....the idea of religion as a construct of man that allows for the understanding of God. These guidelines of Islam reinforce the solidity of the holy city of Mecca as a stabilizing force in the lives of practitioners living in a tumultuous region. Guidelines never considering the idea man may slip the bond of Earth and travel to the rest of creation. No, I'm not saying that religion is "The Man" keeping people down...just that the idea of a man hurling around Mecca brings into clarity the concept that the church is a creation of mankind designed to maintain a power structure of one form or another. Just as the idea of the Catholic Church, created to maintain the wealth and power and dominance of rich over poor. Or, you know, the way the Earth is fixed and life revolve around it. Right?

Speak now...or forever hold your peace

2007-04-22T17:43:00.000-04:00

I attended a wedding yesterday that was quite a joyous affair. I've not been to a wedding this happy in quite a long time - usually there's some flavor of drama going around that tinges the sweetness of the day with the tart pangs of jealousy or family secrets. Not so this time. However, a few things also struck me that I felt like sharing.

1) Something the pastor did say - One of his first comments was that Eve was taken from Adam's Rib... not his feet so she could be walked on; not his hand so she could be held down, not his back so she could follow...but under his arm, so she could be protected, from his side so she could stand as his equal, his companion. That was an interesting way to look at things I thought. Yeah yeah, you guys have heard it all before, but given the ceremony I was in and the mix of Baptist and Episcopalian, I was suprprised that made the cut.

2) Something the pastor didn't say: Nowhere in the ceremony was there any variation on "if anyone aming us knows reason this man and this woman should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace" bit. Possibly because there was no reason whatsoever for anyone to have anything against these two wonderful people, but more than likely because everyone knew coming in, were they to say a word, they'd be in TROUBLE with a capital T!

3) Something the couple did: It's the first time in years I've seen a ceremony include jumping the broom!

4) Something said in a toast: This was the one that really hit me. One of the bride's best friends (the matron of honor) said that God in His wisdom had created him for her and her for him, knowing before the hour of their births what would be the hour of their marriage. Wow! Talk about pre-destination! The Gentleman upstairs has His own agenda, that's true, but I just can't cotton any belief that our lives are SO predetermined that no matter what decisions we make, it's all going to go according to that hour-by-hour plan. To me, that means He knows not only that we will make mistakes (which we do cause we're not perfect), but which mistakes we will make, and how long it will take us to realize we're making a mistake, atone, and find the path He chose again. That just doesn't wash with me.

I bet if we could sneak a peek at His cosmic road map, there's a lot of roads doubling and tripling back on each other as we receive second and third and fourth chances to achieve the happiness we could have. Remind me not to drive that Spaghetti Junction without a GPS and Google Maps!

Are we there yet, Papa Smurf?

2007-04-21T04:02:00.000-04:00

Random observance:

Blue nail polish is fun!

That's it...back to life as usual.

Supreme Court makes a mistake

2007-04-20T22:21:00.000-04:00

At least, in my opinion they did.

(disclaimer: I wrote this on Tuesday when the decision came down - please keep that in mind when looking at the time references)

Today, the justices of the nation's High court entered the abortion debate through a different door. Instead of trying to regulate the availability, the Court, for the first time, made a ruling that regulates the medical procedure itself. In Gonzales v. Carhart, the Supreme Court upheld a ban on partial-birth abortions. The Washington Post does a wonderful job of explaining the issue and the ruling.

The logic behind it was:
1) The law at issue doesn't tell women they can not get an abortion, only which procedure they can not have;
2) and it leaves other procedures available to women;
3) and it will only impact a small portion of the women in America who choose abortion;
4) therefore it will not fly in the face of Roe v Wade and is constitutional.

I can't say that I agree. Stepping outside the abortion debate and the firsts for the Court in that arena, let's look at this for a second. Today's decision has now allowed the Supreme Court to legislate medicine in this country. If the justices can be convinced through a strong legal argument that a certain form of chemotherapy is undesireable, or that a certain surgery isn't being regulated properly by the AMA, they now have precedent to step in. This bothers me.

Doctors have peer review to govern their acts because peers know the profession, the risks, the new technology, and the history of failures and successes. Laywers have the same. As do any number of professional groups who are better off being regulated by their comrades than their government. Even a federal appeals court agreed last week, saying they had no constitutional right to step into the debate over mercury in dental fillings just because one group didn't think the FDA was taking the claims seriously.

The Supreme Court has bypassed the clamoring media circus at the gates and entered the abortion debate from a side door. I only hope that this ruling doesn't send safe and honest service providers slinking out the back door.

Square peg, round hole....

2007-04-20T22:14:00.000-04:00

Wow, am I behind! The last week or so has been a whirlwind, to say the least. So please, forgive me so many posts at once, but there were a few I wrote in email and never did publish, so there will be a few popping in tonight. I'll start, though, with the one that I still have bouncing around in my head.

This time last week, I was on my way to Washington, DC. It's a great place to visit, and once upon a time, I wanted to live there. Then I didn't. Now I wonder again how I would fare, as DC seems to be an elixir for this troubled mind.

Every time I go there, I feel like I hit the reset button. My troubles seem to vanish for a few days, even when they can find me on my cell. I have an amazing time...but more importantly... I "fit." It's not that I fit IN, because that's a challenge anyone can tackle anywhere. I just feel like I "fit." The conversations go up a notch...pinging and ponging from the best lines in Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail...to religion as an evolutionary construct (great article...check it out! I'm only part of the way through it, but the idea is both plausible and fascinating!) And this wasn't the first time it happened.....I feel this way every time I come back.
So to me the question becomes, it is the people I meet, or the place itself, or just the fact that I'm on vacation? If I did move, though, there are some people I would take with me just to make the place perfect. Wonder how they feel about Northern Virginia suburbs....

Contradiction of Terms

2007-04-10T18:22:00.000-04:00

Spotted this license plate in my rear-view mirror on the way to work this morning:

Save the Earth.

The vehicle sporting it?

An H2

People kill me!

I tried....and it doesn't work

2007-04-09T19:17:00.000-04:00

You're right...I do need to take someone up on the offer of just listening. Problem is finding someone who's not going to be disappointed in me. Or offended by me. Or judge me.

Be glad I didn't blog yesterday - it was a rough one - but after a long long weekend of tension and strife, I thought I had that person. She reached out to me and let me cry. I hadn't said anything because I feared disappointing her. I thought perhaps I wouldn't.

Wrong.

Today, I discovered things are right back to normal. She is an "act-now-think-later" person. I'm the opposite. But for her, if I'm not immediately taking steps to rectify my situation (and trying to figure out where to go from here doesn't count) then I'm nothing. But I already knew that one anyway.

Aack. I can't seem to win.

Gimme Shelter

2007-04-07T13:26:00.000-04:00

With each passing day, the sleep deficit grows. I close my eyes, and my body relaxes, but the brain cannot. Instead, the backs of my eyelids become a projection screen, where the scenes of my life as it is, as it was, and as it could be all play out in a random order and seemingly simultaneously...until I jolt awake crying, screaming, or just in plain fear.

I've hidden it well, or so I thought, until last night someone offered me the comfort of shelter. Not the One who Knows...or the One who Should Notice...but just, One who Cares.

As we danced, I kept missing the lead and apologizing. After the third time, he increased the pressure on my back, and said he didn't mind. "Your mind is wandering somewhere...I think it keeps bouncing between your dance and whatever is causing those bags under your eyes," he said. "Don't sweat the following, and if you need a shoulder to cry on, even just while you dance, you know where to find me."

At that moment, you don't know how welcome it was. I couldn't do it, mind you. I need not pull someone else into this rabbit hole with me. But I'm so raw right now, that the idea nearly cracked my fragile shell. I could feel my emotions aching to be heard and just held. Security. Safety. The few things that I can't give myself right now.

I didn't do it though. Aside from it being wrong to use someone like that, I'm on a precarious perch right now. I teeter on the wire, held in place by opposing forces. If one pushes harder than the other, I'll crack...I know I will. the question becomes now - who can exert the greater forces...exterior or the fear I create from my own worries.

A Slice of the Morning

2007-04-06T08:56:00.000-04:00

7:50am - out of the shower. Looks like I have time to check my email AND stop for coffee. Insomnia has its benefits!

8:06am - still at the keyboard. Hmmmm....minimal staffing at the office today. It's a holiday - what else did I expect? Quick read of the 4am ramblings I forgot to post on the blog.

8:17am - still cleaning up those 4 am ramblings. Crap - I still have to make lunch. Forget that!

8:27am - starting the car, looking down at the clock...I can still hit Rana Capelli if I hurry...

8:29am - don't need to hurry - it's Good Friday - no one is on the roads!

8:31am - and neither was the owner of the drive thru coffee shop. Pull up to the window, sign reads "Have a Good Friday. We will. Closed till Easter Monday"

8:37am - this is good...no one on the roads today, I'm making record time. Maybe I can make it to work really early!

8:39am - accident about a mile from work. Shit! I can't do it.

8:40am – the clock rolls over, and silence starts to build. I tried to run from it, but the absence of one sound creates a second presence in the car, drowning out even the radio that I’ve cranked to try to avoid the inevitable.

8:43 am – pull into the parking lot. Rock star spot! That’s the trade off for working a holiday. The wave of loneliness crashes over me and starts to recede as I see one more person pulling into the lot. If I hurry, I can get myself together and walk in with her so I don’t have to be alone.

Sometimes, I tire of running.

...that's MS. Hyde to you!

2007-04-06T00:36:00.000-04:00

I didn't make a return to the blogosphere to cry on your virtual shoulders. I came back because a few people said they missed me, and because one in particular encouraged me to start writing again. That said, in skimming through the rest of the posts I've made this year, it does sound as though I'm back just to lament the state of the world.

Newsflash: Life's not THAT bad.

Yes, I'm in an emotional pit right now, trying to dig myself out. Yes, I'm not really sure which way is up. Yes, I'm experiencing a lot more hurt and confusion than I've had in years. But things could be so much worse that it's not even funny! My material needs are met - the bills are paid...and my friends surround me. That said, they also have no clue a thing is happening, except two very observant people whom I don't know that I can trust with my self.
Which is why I'm pulling this Dr. Jekyll/Ms. Hyde routine of whiplash between posts. One flighty, one deep...one curious and one sad.

I say this because I have thoughts I want to pursue and I can't do it with people. I tried earlier tonight and one of my best friends' response was "Yep...that's a pickle. Don't know what you're going to do." So I'll do it here.

Thanks for listening. After all, you can just keep clicking through if I'm too much! :)

Slipping away and nothing I can do

2007-04-05T02:08:00.000-04:00

It's there again. That emptiness...except emptiness isn't the right word because that insinuates that I can fill it.

How about void? Void works nicely. Because it's a hole larger than I can fill alone, larger than I can repair with a spiritual Band-aid. Let's go with void, shall we?

It's my fault I feel this way. Something I truly want is slipping away and the bad thing is...I've seen it coming. I've seen this unfolding and I haven't had the strength to stop it before now. My mind has seen the logic, my heart has seen the desperation. I've prayed for guidance, and thought I was receiving none. Perhaps I was after all, and as a stupid human being simply ignored it, thinking that God couldn't be that simple.

I prayed for love....I receive hurt. I pray for forgiveness, I feel more guilt. I ask for a glimpse into whether I'm making the right decisions...and I get a turn of events that tells me, no, I must be doing something wrong. Now I just hope o find a way to right my wrongs and repair the damage done.

But there's nothing I can do. For anyone. So tonight I indulge this desperation and tomorrow I begin to close off that void. I'm utterly paralyzed by the thought of making the wrong decision again, but I can't just sit here.

My Bar Tab Is $520.50

2007-04-04T21:48:00.000-04:00

So I'm sitting here trying to catch up on some long lost blogs I've not read in a while, and I stumbled onto a post from Wordnerd that looked kinda fun. Basically, it's a sort of purity test....you go through the list and each questions is assigned a dollar value. At the end, you don't admit which ones you've done, just your tab.

Mine's $520.50

Wow...I'm not as dull as I thought I'd be. Maybe that's why I couldn't find anything else to say right now. Either that or knowing I have a few other things I should do before I come back and write more....

Making a list...checking it twice....

2007-04-03T18:21:00.000-04:00

I'm no Santa Claus....I'm not even a good Mrs. Claus...but I'm taking a page from Santa's book and making my own list tonight. This time, it's of topics I want to talk about but have no time to do so.

I can tell I've been writing more...or talking less...or introverting more and showing more high gloss to the world...because I'm starting to come up with more things I want to write about. Rather than bore you with all of them, however, here's a brief list. Let me know what interests you:

1: The fast-track to sainthood. Pope Benedict waived the five-year waiting period for Pope John Paul II. Pope John Paul II waived the time period for Mother Teresa. Is this indicative of our society's lack of patience? Or is it a marketing ploy for the Catholic Church, trying to reach out to a younger demographic in a time when the argument could be made the traditions are dying?

2: Emotion as currency. You can say that "you're spent." Can you spend emotion as currency? Can you run out of love? Or hate? Or worry? Or care?

3: Keith Richards found a VERY strange way to honor his deceased father....

4: Judgment from the perch. It's so easy to say what you would do were you in someone else's shoes. But it's not so easy not to impose those ideas and thoughts on others.

Time to run..ideas? Suggestions?

Something's Missing....

2007-04-01T17:35:00.000-04:00

The Boomtown Rats didn't like Mondays. I've got 'em beat by a day. Sundays slay me.

First off, I just don't seem to get anything done. It's like a retail store in the South, Sunday starts late and ends early. I wake up in the morning, and read the Sunday paper. Instead of it being a relaxing experience over a cup of coffee, though, it turns into a race against the clock to finish the mammoth beast off before I can get to anything else in my day. Noon rolls around and the phone starts to ring....people looking for a lazy Sunday experience and people to have it with. Nope...I'm usually booked already. Time blocked off for this person or that project. And all has to be wrapped up by the time dancing starts or I feel guilty about not honoring THAT committment, one that is truly about as voluntary as they come.

Second, Sunday is a day of confrontations. With all the time that's available and no rigid constraints, people seem to pick this day as one to expect things of me, or launch into long elaborate conversations that explain my deficiencies and shortcomings, sometimes in a very hurtful manner. I can't recall the last time I didn't end a Sunday with some sort of negative feelings. Even so, I do my best not to dread them, as they are still a hundred times better than the good days at work!

Today, however, it's particularly painful. Forgive me if my language leans a touch dark here, and for indulging me at least on the surface...but the best way to describe it is that I feel as though I have a hole at the center of my being. Something's missing, and no matter how hard I try I can't stop the ache to get it back. I woke up with this feeling at about 5 this morning, grasping for my sanity. clutching for that which would make me whole. I failed.

It's an odd way to describe it, but I started the day with a weight in my heart. I've spent the day crying about it, running from it. and even trying to smash into it face first. I don't often have these, but it's a day of why does the world work this way? Why take from us that which we need. To show us that we don't need it? To offer a greater apprciation for that which can not be taken away? To force an examination of self and a realignment of priorities?

Or is the universe and all the forces that create it just playing with us like a cat on canip having a field day with a ball of string?

Meow!

Dentyne-isms

2007-04-01T15:49:00.000-04:00

I rarely buy gum, but I picked up three packs of Dentyne for a friend yesterday. They have these awesome little sayings on the backs....Dentyne-isms. I can't seem to find a website for them, so pardon me if I get this wrong, but one of them hit the nail on the head....

Dentyne-ism #19: Don't date anyone who says they "need to be selfish right now."

Once again...Words of Wisdom from a bubble gum wrapper.

Did you know...

2007-03-27T08:12:00.000-04:00

Today is Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day? Yeppers - a day to remember the crazy songs with titles that make your eyes and ears do a double take. A few of my favorites (and yes, I listened to most of these growing up)

"I'm Gonna Hire a Wino to Decorate Our Home"
"Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goalpost Of Life"
"You're the Reason Our Kids Are Ugly."
"At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump"

and one of my dad's favorites from the early 80s...

"Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissin' You Goodbye"

Here...peruse this list and get a few faves of your own :)

Nothing...just babbling

2007-03-20T23:39:00.000-04:00

It's late and I really should be heading off to bed right now. Problem is, I want to write. Despite all the obstacles, the mental blocks, the timing, the everything that should be telling me no, I still want to write. And yet, I have nothing to say.

Maybe that's why I want to write...I want what I can't have. There seems to be a lot of that in my life lately as well, or at least in my mind. Things I don't even allow myself to want, except in the dead of night. When all the lights are off and the house falls silent. In those moments where you teeter between wakefulness and sleep, when the body relaxes and the mind tenses. Those are the moments when my psyche carries off into a world of its own creation, abandoning the constraints of the daily grind and flirting with the possibilities seen only by the mind's eye.

Sorry - I've been quite introspective of late, with my mind's eye quite often turning inward to examine myself. Pondering questions for which I think I will never receive an answer...second guessing my decisions and looking for reasons why to questions whose only answer can be, "because." In my waking hours, I convince myself that "because" is more than enough, for while the unravelling of the yarn is both fun and revealing, to figure out a definitive answer would take some of the magic out of it all.

That said, nothing has stopped me from peeling back the layers and searching for the greater why...how that which appears to contradict itself could, in reality, not only co-exist, but even thrive in a symbiosis that only proves life is not as it appears to be. Yet, as the ideal and the reality are in direct conflict with each other, I find myself in a state of utter confusion much of the time.

In case of confusion, break glass. I've broken it. Now what?

Now, I go to bed. You can tell it's been a while since I've tried to just write off the top of my head. Either that, or I just have too much on my mind right now. Too many conversations unspoken out of fear or respect or intimidation. Maybe if I do a few more of these I'll get my words to fall in place a little easier. Right now, it feels like I'm herding cats.

Bridge to the past

2007-03-18T17:43:00.000-04:00

Disney has turned one of my favorite children's books into a movie, and I'm not sure how I feel about the idea. The book is Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson and the basic story was about two kids who didn't quite fit in and how they used the power of their imaginations to create their own world, one imaginary and one reality. It ends quite sadly, but it still inspired years of creativity and play in my backyard and with the neighbors. I hear the author's son is involved in the production of the film, so I'm sure it's true to the book.

When I was a kid, I never fit in. I often lost myself in the plotlines of a story, and when I read this one, I loved the idea that it took so little for someone to find a place in the world...or to create their own. So I did.

There was a creek through my parents' backyard...bordered by rhododendron bushes so tall an 8 or 9 year old could easily crawl under them and sit for hours. And I did. I would salvage scraps of wood from the woodpile to use as chairs and wirespools to use as a table. I picked chives and imagined I could mix postions with them. I fashioned a fishing pole from a branch and a vine. I caught more minnows with my hands than I did with that thing, but I would sit there for hours, making up stories in my head and dangling the vine into the creek. Sometimes, I'd even jump it, or take off my shoes and dip my toes in the water. Both of those were quite daring, though, since both were the sort of things my parents would forbid. I was never a bold child - never willing to even test the corners of my parents' disapproval.

One year, a tree fell during a storm, and provided me with a natural boundary between the yard and my space. I gave the land a name, and spent every weekend down by the creek, playing outside. From time to time, Mom would come tp the edge of the back deck and call my name, to make sure I hadn't run off. Otherwise, it was all mine.

Then a neighbor moved into the house next door. Her back yard sloped off much as ours did... though to a different section of the creek. In my child's state of pride in what my imagination had created, I shared the idea with her and loaned her the book. She was nearly as enchanted as I was, and for the next year we ran between her yard and mine, somestimes playing, sometimes running from her little brother who wanted to be part of everything we did. Her dog, Molly, was the official mascot and joined us whenever we were out.

As with all things, this too came to an end. It was slowly...the neighbor became more interested in New Kids on the Block and Nintendo than in playing outside. My classes at school got harder, and I took up field hockey after school. Our games moved indoors and included more people. When we did go outside, it was for what she deemed "more dignified" sports, like badminton. I changed schools to the public school she went to, and found friends my own age (she was two grades behind me).

The tree that fell back then has long since disintegrated. I've not been back there in years to check on the status of the creek and the minnows and the rhododendron. Sometimes, I think memories are best left in the mind and not revisited. At least, not without reason.

Thanks Flash - your last post made me start thinking of this...

Tag - I'm it.

2007-03-11T23:52:00.000-04:00

It's midnight as I start to write and I really have nothing to write about. However, with the time change today, it only FEELS like 11pm and I'm not tired. So instead, I'll sit down and start plugging away. Perhaps this will turn into something worth reading or maybe it will just be drivel, but I've got to get back in the habit of writing when I feel like this.

It's been a depressing day, so I don't want to go there. And I figure you guys could care less about the random thoughts swirling in my head right now... I know - I'll answer the tagging that Farrago hit me with....Five little known facts about myself. The flip side - five bloggers to tag - won't be happening because I've been such an unknown in the blogosphere of late that I don't even have five addresses (that's what happens when you have to rebuild your computer from the hard drive up. Ugh!)

Let's see...what to tell you...Farrago, don't be offended if I catapult off of your admissions.

1) Like any good teenager of the 80s, I sported a mouth full of orthodontia for two and a half years. The glorious day finally came - my orthodontist removed the hardware and made impressions for retainers to keep the teeth where they belonged. In the two days it took to get the retainer made, my teeth went right back to where they were two years before. Another sign of my stubbornness.

2) Were it not for computers, I wouldn't be a writer. My handwriting is abysmal, and typewriters gave me writer's block from looking at all my failures and bad ideas.

3) I didn't get into the habit of drinking alcohol until I was a year and a half out of college.

4) I used to smoke clove cigarettes in college. That lasted about 6 months until they started making me sick.

5) I've read Dangerous Liasons in the original French.

Okay - who next....Flash, have you done this? Ultra? Scott?

Today's Rhetorical question

2007-03-10T12:27:00.000-05:00

So as not to offend Ultra by spending too much time engaged in real, spoken conversation, I've decided to bring one of my more recent verbal discussions to the blog. Too bad no one's still reading to weigh in.

Anyway, here it is:

Can love...last?

On second thought, maybe I shoulda warmed you guys up with a softball...like "Newcastle or Sam Adams?"

Answer either.

There's no better time...

2007-03-07T20:27:00.000-05:00

...than the present. I keep saying I'll post, so I'll do it now while I eat my dinner.

I've had this dream the last few nights that really troubles me. I'm in a house with a wall full of windows overlooking a stand of trees in the fall, the leaves about to drop. But it's not a house, per se...it's a doctor's office. At first glance, I think it's a pediatrician's office, with all the kids running around and what not. So I go in to see the doctor, and she's about my age. I undergo the physical and sit and await the results. Outside, I can hear kids laughing and playing under the window.

The doctor comes back. She tells me everything is fine and that in about a year I'll get pregnant, but I'm not privileged enough to choose my child. Turns out, all the children I hear, have yet to be born...they're waiting for fit mothers and the right situations. Somehow I know this in the dream, however. Anyway, she tells me that I get no say in the matter, and she points out the child I'm going to have. He's about 6 years old at this point, and looks just like a friend of mine. That prompts me to ask a few questions...is he healthy? is he happy? Who will the father be? She answers my questions and I leave the office.

As I walk out the door, my son-to-be runs right into my leg and looks up at me. He doesn't just look like my friend - he IS my friend...articulate as the adult I know. He scowls at me and asks what I've done wrong that he has to wait so long. I don't have an answer and I break down in tears. He berates me for not being ready now, and not being the mother he thinks I could be, and for even being there, wanting a child in the first place. My only response...."I want you, but I don't want your father" He replies, "Good, because I didn't want to be yours anyway."

I turn away bawling, and notice all my friends...in the office and visibly pregnant. Each one turns her back on me as I approach. Most have no comment...only one says "Your child doesn't want you? After everything you've been through? You must be an evil witch." I pull out a cell phone and call the man the doctor said would be the father. He hangs up on me. I sit on a swing and start to cry.

Suddenly, I feel an arm around my shoulders. It's the man whose name I hoped the doctor was going to say when I asked the question. He runs his fingers through my hair as I tell my story, laying out exactly how it's not going to happen because now that I know I can take evasive action. He says, "Some things you just can't avoid, and avoiding this would cost a life."

"Would you be with me?" I ask. "Could you stand me long enough to make a good home?"

"No," he says. "I can't. You're a sweet girl and all, but I can't play with fire like that. It's why you're here--You've been given a look into your future, and there are two choices. Accept what's been shown you, or turn it down for a life of solitude."

"But it wouldn't be solitude if we're together," I say.

"You're right...but you're just not worth it to me. Thanks for asking, though," he says and walks away. That's usually when I wake up, often in tears.

Like I said, kinda strange. That said, I've also been sick.

I have places to be..maybe when I get home I'll look it up in the dream dictionaries. It's just hard to find a translation for "future pregnancy"

I suck

2007-03-07T20:18:00.000-05:00

Okay, you know it's been way too long since posting when blog-readers have to track you down and ask if you're blogging around on them. No, I've not blogged anyone else. I'm not blogging behind your back. I've simply, in the past, used this space as a place to pontificate and lately, there have been a few pair of ears who wanted to hear my thoughts. So I've been doing more speaking than writing....and it's taken away from my time to connect with the written word.

To the faithful who still read here, I apologize. I've likely run you all off anyway. However, I promised two posts within a week. A slightly longer vacation than I anticipated allowed me to miss that deadline. However, I'll post again soon. And sooner. And sooner.

After all, these conversations have led me to a number of questions to pose. Some rhetorical, some just damn funny. And some random observations to make...no wonder a friend tried to register "random" as part of a domain name for me.

Talk to you all soon. I hope.

The name is Bond...James Bond

2007-01-01T12:51:00.000-05:00

Imagine yourself as a Bond girl because 0-0-7 is upon us. And just as it is for a Bond girl...it promises to be a thrilling ride full of intrigue, adventure, breath-taking moments, and sleepless nights. It could make your heart race if you choose to enage yourself, becoming intertwined with its most intimate workings.....or if you let it pass you by, leave you plagued with ennui while 007 races off to thwart another villain.

No matter which Bond girl you are....or which Bond you prefer.....here's hoping 007 ends like a Bond movie - with the hero and heroine safe on the other side (usually between some satin sheets in a remote location with a martini and little else between them)

Happy New Year to all!

***Edited to add: The questions are pouring in, and if forced to choose, I'd have to say I'm Carey Lowell in A License to Kill or Denise Richards in The World is Not Enough.... And Roger Moore was the best traditional Bond, although I do enjoy Pierce Brosnan TREMENDOUSLY!

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and all that jazz

2006-12-29T12:37:00.000-05:00

For the last two weeks, I've been sick. It's really taken the wind out of my holiday sails, which annoys me because I enjoy the thrill of the holidays. Finding the perfect gift...surprising people...trimming the tree and decking the halls.

This year, that has all been cut slightly short. So let me simply say....

Merry Christmas!
Happy Hanukkah!
Happy Kwanzaa!
Festive Festivus!

Recurring Dreams

2006-12-23T03:32:00.000-05:00

I have a handful of dreams that keep coming back...the courtroom, the sunscreen....and now, add the trip to Prague. It's not a BAD dream, just confusing. Now that it's started returning to my nocturnal naps, I thought I'd vent a bit and get it out there. And Farrago, if his sounds familiar, it's because this is the narration I sent you the first time I had it nearly a year ago. Each time, I get no new detail, but none fades either. It's bizarre to me.

In my dream, I was in Prague for work. This is odd because I've never been to Prague, nor have I studied it to know anything about it. When my flight got delayed. I agreed to take a bump to the next day, because I could visit the city on my own...I walk out of the airport and I'm in the middle of a city that looks, sounds, and smells like London, but I know in my dream that it's still Prague. So I start walking.

I visited museums, I walked by the river, I ate lunch, and then I remembered my friend Ed. Ed works for a university, but in my dream he worked for an investment firm, and for some reason I knew exactly which building was his. I walked to it and got on the elevator, hitting the button for the top floor (again, I somehow just knew it). The elevator was small - only held about 8-10 at a time, and was mirrored. This kind of detail never survives in my mind after a dream, even after I've had it a few times. Anyway, back to the story - I had plenty of time to examine those mirrors because I never made it to the top floor. Everytime someone got on, the elevator would go to their floor next, but never to mine. So I rode the elevator....up to 5 , down to 1, up to 3, up to 4, up to 8, down to 4 down to 1...but never to 9, where I needed to go.

On one of the rides, a little red-haired girl got on the elevator. I say girl, but she was my age or so...just looked younger. She had short curly hair cut to her chin that was frizzing out everywhere, with dangle earrings sticking out from under the hair, and wore a denim jacket over a purple shirt, black pants and shoes. She started talking to me, and we struck up a conversation as we rode this elevator. She asked where I was from, what I was doing in town, et cetera.

"You know this elevator will never go to the ninth floor. It's just not programmed that way. You need to take the stairs if you want to get there," she said.

I looked at my watch. It was 3 minutes till 6, and Ed got off work at 6pm. "There's no way I'll make it and I don't know how else to get in touch with him," I said.

"Well, you're welcome to come and hang with us at my place," she offered. So we got off the elevator the next time it hit the ground floor, and started walking toward the underground. We took the train and got off at Dalrymple Place (I have no idea what that is, but I remember the name. It has no meaning in my life....except another piece of insane detail!) and came up on the corner of something that looked like a quaint town square. The buildings were old and crumbling, no neon signs or updated store fronts, all stacked one right next to each other and they bordered a "town square" of sorts, except the square wasn't populated...it was a grassy field that covered the train exchange below.

The girl whose name I never caught despite all my details in the dream told me to stop gawking and grabbed my hand to pull me directly across the grassy field on a diagonal. We ran all the way and stopped facing a row of storefronts...

"This one's my house. C'mon in" It was a pub. One large room where crowds of people packed tables in the front, but as we moved to the back, we passed a kitchen and then the decor changed to a more modern home kind of thing. Another woman was already there. The girl from the elevator offered me a drink. I asked what the local specialty was, and she pulled out a six pack of a grape cooler. "Best thing out of Prague in years," she said. The bottles were small - about the size of an aluminum can. I can still see the design on the bottles - purple label with gold filigree, written in Czech so I don't quite know what the name was. She popped the top and offered me one - it tasted like Grape Nehi. The three of us finished the six pack, then her friend left without having too much to say.

Elevator Girl said, "Lets get out of here - it gets kinda loud at night and you didn't come here to watch men smoke cigars" so we went on a tour of her part of town. The buildings were pretty at night, lit to accentuate the stonework and the gables. She pointed out all sorts of architecture and historical places - the kind of tour you'd never get from the guidebook. We stopped on a bridge over a stream and talked to some of her friends, then they went on and she decided to stay. I thanked her for the tour, and she started talking. Philosophizing is more the term...I don't recall it all but she ended with...

"Sometimes it takes going places you've never been before to see your own life in a different light."

And with that she kissed me. I was surprised, but I let her, and when we were done, she said, "Thank you - I've always wanted to kiss an American redhead. Too bad you can't stay - I think we'd have great fun"

We started walking back to her house like nothing had happened. We walked into the pub again, and that's when I woke up.

Strange. And it keeps coming back.

Happy Holiday Shopping

2006-12-18T21:16:00.000-05:00

A random couple of musings tonight, cause I don't have the brain power to cobble together anything coherent!

1) What on earth is wrong with me this year? I know I've been sick, but still! I usually enjoy the hunt that is Christmas shopping. The thought that goes into finding just the right gift....the surgical strike of going to the store, getting it, and getting out while the other crazies browse and ponder and call home to question every little decision.... This year, not so much. I find myself wandering aisles of tried and true retail friends, looking for the perfect gift to bonk me on the head. When really, my head just isn't in the game.

2) Went out dancing the other night. Very little is quite as disturbing as hearing a 60+ year old man dancing with you mis-sing the lyrics of "I'll take you there" by the Staple Singers as "I'll take you to bed"...

3) And little is as comforting as knowing you belong with someone. Even in as small a way as a dance. I took the floor with a very good dancer I know, and three steps into the dance, he dips me all the way to the floor. A move that soon, before partners are in sync...that's silly, and can even be dangerous, depending on who your partner is. But this man is strong and good. When I was on my feet again I laughed and said, "Wow, wasn't that a little soon?" He simply said, "Not with you. You always follow me....and I always catch you. Regardless. You get me. So no, not too soon." It's nice to belong somewhere, even for a split second.

iTunes Shuffle

2006-12-02T11:55:00.001-05:00

Sitting here this morning, paying bills and what not, trying to surf for Christmas presents, and I thought I'd post my last 12 songs on iTunes....I'm trying not to be too heavy here, I've not done that in a while and it's beenan interesting mix!

Desire - U2
Heart of the matter - Don Henley
Civil War - Guns 'N' Roses
Wicked Little High - Bird York
Queen of Hearts - Juice Newton
One Mint Julep - Ray Charles
I'm Not the Man - 10,000 Maniacs
Ring of Fire (Wanna Be Sedated) - Cigar Store Indians
Backwards - Rascal Flatts
Soul of a Man - Susan Tedeschi
At This Moment - Billy Vera and the Beaters
True Religion - The Duhks

Anything in there ya like?

Random quiz time

2006-11-30T22:29:00.000-05:00

Okay - question of the week.

For those of you without kids, do you want kids?

For those parents who read these ramblings....were you ready to have kids when you did?

No, I'm not in a family way or anything like that. Just a random question inspired by the whole family time of year

Gobble Gobble

2006-11-26T12:44:00.000-05:00

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving, and that the travel to and from home wasn't too daunting. Most of all, I hope you had the chance to indulge your family traditions.

In my house, we really don't have a traditional Thanksgiving. We opt for Black Friday instead. Some years I cook, some years Mom does, some years we eat out. Some years we go to the mountains, some years we go to the beach, some years we don't travel at all, but the pattern remains the same: every year Mom flips through the ads and lays out the game plan Thursday night. Friday morning she bribes me with a cup of coffee when she comes to wake me at 4 am (after I've already reached over and turned off the alarm clock totally) and we're on the road.

We stop for a second cup of coffee at the mall about two hours into the excursion. This after she's purchased some Doorbuster or Early Bird special for Dad and my grandparents. This is also about when my brain starts to function. We hit the other stores in the mall with specials, then we start driving to the outlying towns. A boutique in this burb, a depot in that downtown...all to get ideas for what I want for Christmas before I leave to return to my house and they go back home, or return to life as normal.

Ah, the comfort of tradition.

Or...maybe not

2006-11-22T18:56:00.000-05:00

Okay, maybe you don't miss me. Who knows. Anyway, a friend of mine said something today that made quite an impression..

We live each other's lives pretty easily.

Hard to explain why this hit me like it did - except that we are two very similar people. In fact, our personalities may as well have been cut from the same cloth, our situations only differ by one choice, one that was made for me. We both see things from the outside that need changing in the other's life, and both can't seem to take the steps to start the changes in our own.

We live each other's lives pretty easily...

What's left unsaid, is how we live our own. Makes me wonder.

They miss me!

2006-11-20T21:03:00.000-05:00

Wow - you guys really do miss me!

I'm sorry to have been gone so long....quite a few things piling up in life that needed addressing and many that still do. but since two of you have written me in the last 24 hours looking for me, I promise I'll try to do better this time.

So we begin with a heavy hitter - questions with no answers that have occurred to me in the last 24 hours.

Where has human kindness gone?

Why did the chicken cross the road, anyway?

Who is John Galt?

Why is it the ones you love are never the ones you're with?

And the question that occurred to me this evening - Do you ever look in the mirror and feel that you know the person staring back? That he or she is someone your age...your experience...your life? Or is there always that slight disconnect between who you feel you are and who you feel is looking back at you?

Yep - I'm back! Talk amongst yourselves..time to go get a glass of wine and read my book.

Talk about a smartphone!

2006-09-26T23:17:00.000-04:00

I learned a new word tonight!

My cell phone has the feature to fill in the rest of the word once it thinks it knows what you're trying to say. So I'm trying to type in "Neon." I get to the N-e-o, and the phone fills in "neologism"

What on earth????!?!?!?

ne ol o gism–noun
1. a new word, meaning, usage, or phrase.
2. the introduction or use of new words or new senses of existing words.
3. a new doctrine, esp. a new interpretation of sacred writings.
4. Psychiatry. a new word, often consisting of a combination of other words, that is understood only by the speaker: occurring most often in the speech of schizophrenics.

Thank you, Motorola!

Thank you

2006-09-04T22:26:00.000-04:00

Blogging has been off the radar screen in the last few weeks. I've has a lot of stuff going on that has distracted me from the keyboard...the biggest being the number of hours a day I spend at the keyboard at work! So getting an email from two of you asking where I've been was not only motivational, it was down right inspirational

I've been feeling remarkably underappreciated lately. I've given up much of my self to care for others. Now they are moving on without me. Meanwhile, someone whom I thought had moved on, returned. And then there's work, a subject I won't blog about except to say that it's not going well. So while I'm not begging for compliments or attention, to know that at least two of you miss me here in the blogosphere is more positive reinforcement than I'm getting in my real sphere of existence. And for that I want to say thanks.

I could keep going on about far too much personal shit, but I've had a great Labor Day, just got in from a last minute party, and I'm having a touch of trouble typing. Instead, I will, as promised in my last post, introduce you to the Great Lingerie Debate, which should be properly named The Great Lingerie Paradox.

Ladies, I think we've all experienced this at some point. Men, here's a primer into the mind of the female. Know that nothing with us goes unplanned, or at least unconsidered.

I received a phone call from a gal who has come to be known as my younger twin. We have similar views, thoughts, speech patterns, the works, except she is 8 years younger than I. So it stands to reason that when faced with a shopping dilemma, she would call me. She had a guy coming over and there was the prospect of physicality, but she knew she didn't want to take things from the couch to the bedroom. So she called with a question: What kind of lingerie to buy, and from where.

Here's where men usually raise their hands and say, "What's the issue...something slinky from Vickie's Secret and we're good." But it's not about you guys. In fact, we determined (or, I determined and she agreed) that this is, actually, the only time in which we can truly buy the lingerie we like, even though it's for someone else. There are many layers to this issue. If we buy/wear something from Vickie's or Freddy's then it sends the message that more than the clothes will come off. The old comfies in the lingerie drawer aren't an option because there COULD be clothes coming off. Going to Macy's or the like could result in an overpriced purchase that is suitable but not comfy enough to be worn again when a man is not involved. So we decided that the perfect place was Target, where you can buy a comfortable matching set that can be worn again, but also don't look too out of place (read: No lace, no cartoons) - basically, it gave her carte blanche to buy the undies she had been looking at for a week!

T'was a great teaching moment for my "younger twin" - that at times, the greatest way to help others is by acting in your own self interest. Ah, the Great Lingerie Paradox!

Your Call Will Be Answered in the Order It Was Received...

2006-07-29T14:41:00.000-04:00

I've not posted much of late, mostly for personal reasons. Life isn't about me lately, it's about friends who are having hard times and need a hand...but I'm trying not to completely sublimate my being to their pain. Basically, I'm not letting their experiences invade my private spaces, which are few and far between, but this being one of them.

On Wednesday night, though, I had a great post in mind after another woman and I debated the Great Lingerie Question. I returned to the keyboard prepared to launch this debate for you to weigh in on, but alas....no internet service! However, it was midnight, so I went to bed.

Thursday morning...no service. Thursday night - still fritzing when I got home.
I restart the computer...
Nothing.
I unplug the modem...
Nothing.
I disconnect everything from the wall...
Nothing.
I start browsing the modem settings...
Everything's fine.
Friday morning, more of the same. So I figure I'll send an email when I get to work. After all, my service provider has a great online section for troubleshooting and chat with an agent.

I logged in from work, and the customer service pages were down. I clicked on "Troublehooting" and the page was broken. I clicked on "Having a Problem?" and the link was broken. After chuckling in that irony, I tried the eChat, and it too was down.

This morning, I got up, and, frustrated with my lack of connectivity, and called the help line. For 20 minutes I listened to constant recordings, a canned, inhuman voice saying, "We apologize for the delay. please continue t ohold, we anticipate your call will be answered in less than one minute." So I waited. And quietly thanked the Lord for the person who decided tp put speaker phones on cordless handsets!

Finally, a customer support tech comes on the line. I explain the problem and he says, "Have you tried resetting the modem?"

"Well, actually, I've tried it numerous times, but if you need me to do it now to check it off your troubleshooting list, there's no harm in doing it again."

"Please do," he says.

So I'm unplugging the modem, thinking that this guy doesn't realize that he's dealing with someone who has some inkling of what's going on, even if I'm not TOTALLY technosavvy. He askes me two questions, then says, "Okay reconnect the modem."

I did.

THE DAMN THING WORKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Stupid" does not BEGIN to encapsulate the feeling I had!

"Thanks, have a good day" I said...then slunk off to get my morning coffee.

Two Great Bumper Stickers

2006-07-19T05:32:00.000-04:00

The title of the post says it all. Both spotted here in the South in the last week...

1) on a Toyota Camry:

January 20, 2009

The End of an Error

2) on a Lexus (whatever their luxury Sedan is called - I don't know my high end cars very well..)

If that fetus you saved turns out to be gay,

Will you stop fighting for his or her rights?

That one even had an African-American couple in their 50s in the car....hope is out there I suppose!

I just finished watching Elizabethtown and I have decided that I, too, am a substitute person....and if you haven't seen that movie, go rent it immediately! Perhaps it was the experience with my gransfather's funeral that spoke to me so much, but I thought it was great and had an awesome bend of family and humor!

I'm going to bed now. G'night

Give and Take....

2006-07-07T23:02:00.000-04:00

Life is not about one single solitary person. It is about how we all interact together. My decisions impact you, and yours me. Even though I am the only person who will look out for my best interests, and you are the only person who will look out for your best interests, neither fact gives any of us the right to act as though the world revolves around us. However, each person must still make decisions in such a fashion as to guard their best interests.

Yes, that's a lesson I've learned the hard way.

That said, society teaches us that in order to properly love another on any level (friend, family, or beloved) we must subsume our desires, wishes and needs to their's, therefore making our well-being secondary.

So my rhetorical question du soir for the collective "you" out there is this:

As one who has spent my whole life giving from the shadows, to my job, to my parents, to my friends....when is it acceptable to take something I want, and expect them to give me support for once? When can I act in my own interest and expect them to condone it? Even if only for an hour... When can I allow my actions to exist as a primary force, and expect you to be acted upon, rather than me to take all of your actions instead?

Anyone?

Checking in

2006-07-06T08:01:00.000-04:00

I didn't realize quite how much time had elapsed between posts. And here I thought life would slow down...perhaps now that the holiday is over. I am still alive, still working, the new car is good. I'm slowly driving myself crazy with a few decisions that have to be made kinda soon, and coordinating another monstrously huge dance weekend. But other than that I'm still here. Just thought I'd take a second to check in before work this morning and try one of Schprock's 3 paragraph posts.

Last night, I went out with the gals to see Superman Returns. I didn't bone up on my previous backstory before I went, so some of it took a bit to come back to me, but I left there with mixed emotions. The movie was very well made and had a good story to it. They even had a plausible reason to have the damsel in distress be all dressed to the nines at her hour of need. Even so, two things struck me.

1: The movie was just too long. It almost felt as long as "The DaVinci Code" at times. I understand the use of fluidity of time as an effect, especially when dealing with the Man of Steel. However, I could have taken about 15 minutes off of it by cutting out some extraneous stuff all along the way without hacking a scene or taking away from it all. The motion just slowed down at some of the most inexplicable spots. Not to mention it could have ended a number of places in that last half hour. Then again, it's a summer blockbuster, so most people probably want an excuse to spend an extra 30 minutes in the A/C!

2: This movie, more than I remember, has a Messianic complex about it. I won't go into here because it's just too much spoiler potential for a movie this new, but if any of you see it, I'd love to hear what you think.

One word survey

2006-06-25T12:29:00.000-04:00

Holy mackerel, we won the Stanley Cup. The Freakin' Stanley Cup! I can't even BEGIN to explain how much this means! So suffice to say that I'm on a high that hasn't even come close to ending yet!

Anyway, I don't want to flood you all with words on ymreturn to blogosphere, so here's something I was sent - the One Word Survey. Give it a shot!

1. Yourself: Thrilled
2. Your boyfriend/girlfriend: Unsure
3. Your hair: Long
4. Your Mother: Relaxed
5. Your Father: Bored
6. Your Favorite Item: Music
7. Your dream last night: Odd
8. Your Favorite Drink: Wine
9. Your Dream Home:Mine (as in "not the bank's!"
10. The Room You Are In: Messy
12. Your fear: Regret
13. Where you Want to be in Ten Years? Happy
14. Who you hung out with last night: Co-Workers
15. What You're Not: Supermodel
16. Your Best Friends: Fun
17. One of Your Wish List Items:Comfort
18. Your Gender:Female
19. The Last Thing You Did:Dishes
20. What You Are Wearing: T-shirt
21. Your favorite weather:Fall
22. Your Favorite Book? Hardback
23.Last thing you ate? Cereal
24. Your Life:Insane
25. Your mood: Calm
26. The last person you talked to on the phone: Co-worker
27. Who are you thinking about right now? Mr. Karaoke

Thoughts from the Shower

2006-06-16T23:57:00.000-04:00

Anyone who knows me well will tell you I'm not your typical girly-girl kinda chick. I'm not a down-and-dirty type either...I'm just not overly concerned about my appearance. And even that is an improvement since I've started caring a little more in recent years. Even so, I do have my fair share of stuff scattered around the bathroom.

This morning, I'm in the shower and I reach for my shampoo. Like most women (I think), I have two bottles of shampoo in the shower - one for every day and one for once a week just to switch it up. I grabbed the everyday bottle and for some reason looked at the directions:

Wet hair and lather, then rinse.

Out of curiosity, I felt compelled to look at the directions on the second bottle:

Drench hair and invigorate it with the rich, luscious lather. Excite your senses and enjoy the delicious fragrance. Rinse when ready.

Wow! I like it when life comes out of the second bottle!

So my question now - how many bottles and other items are in your shower? I'll even start:
2 bottles of shampoo (see above)
2 bottles of conditioner - one every day and one that matches the scent of Shampoo #2
Bar of soap
1 bottle body wash
a Razor
Tube of Face Soap

I suppose this is why I'm known as random to some.

Does She Speak Eloquently?

2006-06-12T07:19:00.000-04:00

A quick update before I dash off to work. Remember the karaoke place I was going to last night? Somehow, I ended up entered in a contest there, and guess what...I came in second! I won't fool myself - the DJ is a grizzled old character who probably wasn't lying when he said I got second for the "most professional use of the word 'fuck'" but still - wow! There were some awesome folks up there too! I can't hear myself when I'm singing - the return isn't the greatest, and I'm okay with that - so I'll have to take people's word for it that I did okay.

I sang You Oughta Know at the request of the Birthday Boy. First place went to Mr. Karaoke. He was there. I didn't look at him...or anybody....when I was singing. Didn't want him to get offended. Of course, I think he already was. I don't know much of anything anymore though. But that's for later in the week, since I have to leave for work in less than 15 minutes.

Headache revisited

2006-06-11T14:54:00.000-04:00

I just read over last night's post, and I find it remarkably well-written for someone in a state of buzz, if I may say so myself. Anyway, thought I'd chime in to say there was no headache this morning. Not bad, eh? I'm surprised myself.

Tonight, I think I'll do karaoke again. I went last week and got a very good reception. I've been trying a few new songs (okay, who am I kidding - they're all new. I don't practice and I don't do this often enough to sound like a pro) and people loved the Alanis Morissette. I may try it again tonight if it won't offend the audience. I was sad that Mr. Karaoke wasn't there to hear it, not because of the text of the song but just because I missed him - even though he didn't believe it when I sent him a text to that effect. Maybe he'll come out tonight.

Also, as promised - the random baker's dozen off my iTunes as I've been sitting here paying bills and blogging.

At this Moment - Billy Vera and the Beaters
Wait - Sarah McLachlan
One Promise Too Late - Reba McEntire
A Woman's Worth - Alicia Keys
Who Dat? - Cigar Store Indians
Wait - White Lion
{Podcast came up here - that won't count cause it's 6 songs!}
She's a Rebel - Green Day
The Scientist - Coldplay
I Am an Illusion - Rob Thomas
Closer to Fine - Indigo Girls
I Walk the Line - Johnny Cash
Don't Dream It's Over - Crowded House
For You - Staind

Hmmm....looks like iTunes is feeling kinda mellow today.

One Heck of a Hangover

2006-06-11T01:44:00.000-04:00

I will probably wake up with a hell of a hangover in the morning. (Yes, only my subject lines are family friendly at this hour.) To keep myself awake long enough to drink some water, though, I figured I'd drop in and say hi.

Talk about a crazy day. I spent the afternoon tooling around in my new car. Yep - I bought a new car. Last week. Didn't mention it earlier because I wanted someone to see it instead of read about it here, but now that he knows, I can say it. So I spent the day in the new car, then went to a wedding I never thought would happen. We were literally making book on whether the groom would pull out before the ceremony.

You see, the pair had dated for 10 years before he proposed. 10 years of ups and downs and break-ups and back-togethers and do I want her? does she want me? questions. She managed to build this man up and tear him down many times a day. But in the end, he couldn't live without her. Or so he thought. So he proposed. But he still had doubts. Luckily, he went through with it and we all got him trashed at his reception. Then we left, cause there was hockey to watch. The score when we left: Edmonton 1 Carolina 0 Claire 3 glasses of merlot

So we set up the party. About a dozen of us watching every check, every pass, and cringing as it happened. I had time to chat with another friend and her husband who I've known for years but you rarely see in the same place because one is with the kids. We moved the party twice to mix up the karma. No luck. Final score: Edmonton 2 Carolina 1 Claire 3 glasses merlot and 3 Coors Light.

But this all adds up to good things. My friend went through with what he called one of the hardest decisions of his life. There will be more hockey (a foriegn concept to me this late in June) and I laid claim to one afternoon of my friend's time by telling her husband to plan on kid duty. Aside from the fact that I feel like I'm getting stupider as I get older, it'll be worth the headache in the A of M.

Sound and fury signifying nothing

2006-06-06T22:33:00.000-04:00

I really don't feel like sitting here and typing, but I have a few random thoughts in my head, and when that happens, it's either call someone and talk or sit down and write. And tonight, I don't feel like talking because the only people I wouldn't have to explain myself to are pre-occupied with other items. So let's spin the random wheel and begin, shall we?

1) A post from Wordnerd sent me back into my upbringing. If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. The golden rule of my household. And since we were a family who dealt in the verbal currency of sarcasm, even that "something nice" had to be measured in tone so as not to be labelled "smart aleck" and therefore grounds for additional punishment. No wonder I keep my mouth shut now. I can't even do a good version of trash talking at a sporting event. Which brings me to

2) The Stanley Cup. I don't have any wood to knock on though, so...'nuff said.

3) I just watched the series finale of "Will and Grace" and it made me happy, yet sad. I hate the idea of losing someone so important to me for so many years. I'm glad they got back together in the end, but still. Sort of a protracted version of "When Harry Met Sally" and if I'm going to meet up with my Harry again somewhere down the line, it would really be nice were we young enough t0 enjoy it. After I turned that off,

4) I watched Valmont. 1989 adaptation of Dangerous Liasons with Annette Bening and Colin Firth. Interesting, but I'd only give it two stars. Even as far as period pieces go, it just didn't thrill me. But anything that has a swordfight as a pivotal moment definitely goes up a notch in my book.

There ya go - four random thoughts from the head of Claire. More later if I think of them, but otherwise, good night and good luck!

Kick it up a notch

2006-06-06T00:15:00.000-04:00

This has been an intense couple of days. Car shopping....parental visit....Stanley Cup Playoffs...work pressures....second job pressures... But I do have to say I got in some good dances last night, so that makes it all better. Well, maybe not ALL better, but significantly so.

Anyway, with all this going on, I choose instead to write about something in the news - The best album of all time. According to a poll taken on NME.com, the best album of all time is not the Beatles or Nirvana, but Oasis "Definitely Maybe" I have to admit, that WAS a kick-ass album, but I would have put Joshua Tree above it. That said, we all know what a U2 fan I am! It is nice, however, NOT to see Kurt Cobain atop one of those lists. Just goes to show, the public isn't always wrong.

That said, what's your favorite album of all time?

And you know, I haven't posted a random baker's dozen in a very long time.....now that I use iTunes more, I'll have to do that again in the coming days. Maybe tomorrow night where there's no hockey game to stress me out.

Riddle Me This...

2006-05-29T05:09:00.000-04:00

How is it that I can lay out in the sun for 45 minutes and barely get any color - just a touch of red that fades in a day - but I wash my car in the very same yard - only out for about 20 minutes - and my back is burnt and hurting? Bizarre, I say.

DaVinci Code Broken

2006-05-27T12:34:00.000-04:00

Very rarely will I go see a movie for full price. It's just...WRONG! Both financially and morally, it gives me pause to pay someone my hard-earned money for the privilege of sitting in THEIR seats to watch a movie. However, I do recognize that there are quite a few movies where part of the film is the experience of seeing it in the surround sound, coming at you off the screen, or where I feel it would enhance the movie to see it in a darkened theater to set the ambiance by forcing me to take two hours out of my busy life to focus on something.

The DaVinci Code was one of my rare exceptions. I read the book a few years back and loved it. I've been waiting on the movie to come out sice before the casting was complete, and I knew I would go see it as soon as I could. Opening weekend, I was dancing my tootsies off, getting some great lindyleads and awesome blues moments in there, but no moments for moviegoing. So last night, I decided to mix up my hockey karma and go see a movie instead of going to a sports bar.

In short, I can sum it up in three words - too damn long! - but it was well done and I feel like it deserves a little more explanation. The DaVinci Code has been an anomaly in my opinion: a work of fiction that makes you think that still manages to grab the attention of a nation where thought is too often discarded. A novel that truly is novel. A book embraced by the faithful and the secular alike, for different reasons but to the same end. The creation of a shared culture in a time when culture is splintering into microcosms.

It proved to be an anomaly on the big screen as well. Most of the time, the book is better than the movie because the adaptation leaves out what the reader would find to be key points or gets details wrong, or excises entire chunks of story in order to stay within the time allotted by Hollywood. The DaVinci Code is better as a book for all the opposite reasons. It stays very true to the story line. In fact, nothing is cut out because so much is necessary for that story to make sense and have the impact. That makes the movie drag at times. It's quite thought provoking...but at times plods along. I applaud the visuals in the movie - a nice bit of foreshadowing in technique with the power point presentation behind Langdon at the very beginning. Ron Howard did well illustrating memory and history and keeping you in the moment at the same time. However, it just didn't translate as well onto the big screen. I didn't feel the urgency of the chase that was there in the book. I've often called Dan Brown an author for the MTV Generation - writing appealing pieces that also cater to the shorter attention spans of today's multitaskers. Believe it or not, I felt it slowed down on the big screen.

Final opinion: Glad I saw it, not likely to buy the DVD, VERY glad we won or I'd be upset I wasted the time and money and didn't get out of the theater until 1 am!

What did you think?

Pure Exhaustion

2006-05-24T08:24:00.000-04:00

I have spent the last three months helping organize a dance event. Four days and nights and overnights of activities (mostly physical in nature), housing for all the guests, setup, tear down, the works. It was a small weekend as far as these things go, which is good, because the committee was TINY in comparison to some of the other events.

The event was this weekend, and I am STILL exhausted. As I told my boss yesterday, I think I got 12 hours of sleep TOTAL from Thursday night until I went to bed Monday. I'm still recovering. And tonight there are more playoff games to watch. I missed last night's cause I hit the hay so early.

Brain, tired. Body, exhausted. A good weekend of kicking up my heels? Priceless :)

Ping me

2006-05-14T15:21:00.000-04:00

A nifty little exercise that I found on Wordnerd's blog invites folks to take an assigned letter and list ten things about themselves that begin with that letter and why they are significant. She assigned me the letter "P"...so here goes, in no particular order, thought pattern, or importance:

Packed: The best word to describe my schedule of late!

Prioritize: Something I have to do to get through the day...and let me say, I lament the things that fall to the bottom of the list!

Pet Lover: Okay, it's two words, but the first starts with a P! I'm a fan of nearly anything with four legs and fur, and right now my life is all the emptier without an animal in it at all.

Pierced: No, this isn't as exotic as it sounds. The only additional holes in my body are in my ears, but I'm an avid earring collector! I *love* earrings, and they don't have to be expensive or flashy, just unique. I even have my "International collection" - it includes earrings from Japan, China, England, France, Mexico, Canada, and (my favorites) Namibia!

Piqued: As in, my curiousity. It doesn't take much for me to become intrigued and want to dig up more on some tidbit I hear or read.

Press: I'm both an avid consumer and creator of media!

Picky: I prefer discriminating, but I didn't get "D". I know what I want and I go after it, and when I don't know what I want, at least I know what I don't want and won't accept that either. But at least I know it and try not to be a pain about it.

Perfectionist: I am my own worst critic. 'Nuff said.

Papasan: My favorite place to curl up with a book or some crocheting on a rainy day like this...

and

Photographer: I'm far from professional, but I love to click away with my little Olympus digital. I've even framed a few and hung them on my walls...not bad for a picky perfectionist, eh? I've had a camera ever since I can remember, and when I was a kid, I truly think two of my parents' largest expenses on me (aside from the standards) were books and developing film!

So there ya go - ten "P" words that give you a slice of who I am.

Edited to add: "P" is also for Playoffs. We survive to play another day. Well fought, Flash. I do tip my hat to you for a helluva series!

The Wayback Machine

2006-05-06T22:41:00.000-04:00

Well, I remember it all very well lookin' back,
it was the summer I turned 18....

Mr. Schprock started a very intriguing thread on his blog called Time Portals, its basic question being: what triggers your memories? Sounds? Smells? Sights?

For me, there are some of each, but the strongest trigger is music. A few notes of a song can send me right back into the annals of yesteryear, some so vivd in my mind I feel as though I'm watching the movie play back, or standing in the room watching it happen. I'm in my dorm room sophomore year, dancing to "Fields of Gold" with the man who thought I was the one. Or singing "Hotel California" with the brothers as they learned to play guitar. Getting my first birthday dance to "My Baby Just Cares for Me"...and tearing down the streets of our small town in Dan's convertible screaming the theme to Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.

But I digress. The conversation in the comments made both an interesting observation and provided fodder for another topic, so rather than pollute schprock's comments with the conversation, I'll drag folks over here. The question is: What songs are hard for you to listen to, for personal associations one way or another. I'll start (after all, I can't really expect an answer if I'm not willing to give one, can I?)

In Your Eyes by Peter Gabriel - I still can't listen to this one because it takes me straight back to a green wool plaid couch from the 70s where I got my first kiss (and second and third and 10th) from the one who got away, as three tracks were programmed on permanent repeat - In Your Eyes, Red Rain, and Mercy Street - but for some reason, IYE is the only one that still makes me cry.

Under the Milky Way by the Church -how ironic that the song to which I lost my virginity to that man could also be such a theme for the way the relationship ended... "Wish I knew what you were looking for...Might have known what you would find."

Ol' Rugged Cross and Amazing Grace - my grandfather's absolute favorite hymns. He wasn't a religious man, but he knew what he liked, and he knew what he believed. My mom and I were the only ones at the funeral who could sing the old songs (as he called them) but I don't think I'll ever hear them the same, at wedding or funeral or even a basic church service of some sort.

Anyone else?

Who gave that chick some caffiene?

2006-05-05T01:17:00.000-04:00

I can tell I did a late latte tonight! It's 1 am and I'm still up and typing. Whew! I'm still taking opinions on the photos below, but I thought I'd pose another question, and I'll try to do it in schprock's three-graph format! :)

What do you do when you work toward a goal, only to achieve it and discover it's nothing like you thought it was and that you've been going after the wrong thing? I'm feeling that way in a number of areas in my life right now - that a series of successes have all fallen flat, all about the same time, and all I can do is chase my tail to keep up with a life I'm no longer fond of.

I know the long term solution is to start looking for new situations to replace the current ones, but how do you survive that space in between? How do you live with yourself day to day when everything you do is falling short, every project you take on is greeted with cheers that turn to jeers once you're too deep in to turn back, and you can barely stand to see yourself in the mirror in the morning out of disappointment in yourself?

There are band aids...quick fixes that can get me through the worst of it, but to employ them daily would result in a lack of self-respect and the respect of those about whom I truly care, even though they are at times part of the reason I feel I am a disappointment. I guess what I'm asking is - what do you do when plenty of things in your life turn south at once to make you feel worthless and at times even less than human? Or am I the only one who lets life get to her that way?

Back by Popular Demand

2006-05-03T22:29:00.000-04:00

Okay, so really only by about three people's demand, but I'm back. I fixed what needed to be fixed and perhaps it won't break again. If it does, well, we'll cross that broken bridge when we get to it, now won't we?

Until then, which of these do you like best for my avatar? I think I know what people will say, but I'm curious anyway. After all, I knowit won't be the one I would choose :)

One of These Days, Alice, One of These Days.....

2006-04-25T23:18:00.000-04:00

Ladies and Gentlemen, I implore you.

Think about all the people you know. Your parents, your siblings, your spouse. Your best friend, your best man, your best employee. The mailman you greet with a smile at the office. The barista or barkeep who knows your usual when you walk in the door. You.

Chances are quite high that one of you needs a Karmic Kick in the Ass.

The target is anyone who doesn't admit, or doesn't even realize, they are living in an interconnected world where one person's actions impact everyone else. Let me lay out a few examples.

First off, there's a woman we'll simply call Starr (you'll see why in a moment). The day before my vacation, I needed a java jolt to get me through work, so I decided to stop at the Starbuck (get it now?) at the mall. Plenty of parking, no lines at that hour, and I'm good to go. I pull into the parking lot, only to find an H2 bearing down straight at me! after a few quick evasive maneuvers, I'm in the clear, but the driver is shaking her fist at me. Road rage barely existing in my little town, I let it slide and grab the fourth parking space from the door (the first three being handicapped spaces.)

I get out of the car to see Miss Starr climbing out of her H2. Evidently parking beyond the handicapped spaces was beneath her, as her monstrous mode of transportation is in front of the door, blocking both a parked car and the mall entrance, flashers on full speed. She is about 35-40, petite, dressed completely in a black yoga outfit, her hair pullled back into a quite severe ponytail. As we entered the building, she RAN to make sure she was ahead of me in line. And as if this weren't enough, she proceeded to berate the barista because they had to go into hte back to get more vanilla soy milk.

Miss Starr needs a swift karmic kick in the ass.

So does a man we'll call Mr. Smith. Mr. Smith doesn't quite seem to realize that everyone must play by the rules of office politics. You see, our office is staffed day and night. Sometimes, if you want a day off and can't get it the conventional way, you're allowed to switch your shift or your day as long as you're both willing. As anyone who has ever worked in retail or food service or customer service knows...those kind of situations can sometimes come down to "I'll scratch your back if you scratch mine" and the scratches aren't always tit for tat. Mr Smith doesn't get it...he wanted a night off and asked to switch shifts with my co-worker....just HOURS after turning down a request of hers. Karmic kick in the ass.

Or what about the family I met in the airport. Come to think of it, "met" isn't quite the appropriate verb...how about - who inflicted their voices upon me in the Philadelphia airport! Three of us, stranded overnight because of weather, trying to catch some sleep. We were the only people in the entire three gate area, yet this family...first ones in for the morning....felt the need to ignore every empty bench in the place and sit down next to us. Their kids were cranky and crying, and they were screaming above the children's noise to talk about how they wanted to get on the plane and go back to sleep. And you can't tell me they "didn't see" three women stretched out on airport benches next to them. Kick, please.

I could go on for hours, and probably will come back with more that I've forgotten....but what about you? Who have you encountered who needs that karmic kick in the ass?

(Yes, I got back in, finally!)

Feeling small

2006-04-24T08:25:00.000-04:00

I'm trying to email entries into my blog now, as I can't seem to access the page through blogger. So if you never see this, it's just me whining anyway. However, I have to vent to someone.

People have such easy ways to make you feel small and insignificant. Aside from the constant criticism at work and the feeling that I can't do anything right in ANY of my social circles here lately, you know what became the icing on the cupcake? I got my hair cut and virtually no one has noticed. About five inches hacked off and three people noticed. That's it. A girl I work with who has been after me to cut it for years...a woman who works a shift opposite mine and never sees me...and a man I dance with. That's it.

I don't have to be in the spotlight at all times, but damn, talk about making a girl feel useless except when serving their purposes.

An Undesired Absence

2006-04-24T01:18:00.000-04:00

Eek! I can't get logged into my blog. And I have this long post waiting to go up...full of chuckle-able material, but I can't get in to post it. I admit, even this is a test message - I'll check tomorrow to see if it went up. Until then, it's the playoffs, so I guess I'll have to overindulge on hockey when I should be blogging.

Troublesome Dreams

2006-04-15T04:59:00.000-04:00

It's 4:30 in the morning and I can't get back to sleep. I've had two bizarre dreams - one strange and one troublesome - that pushed me to get out of bed and check my email. While I'm here, I figured I'd tell you about them.

In the first, I was on a boat - something with living quarters but smaller than a cruise ship - and we were adrift at sea. There were about 5 other people on board, and everyone was plotting some way to get off. The atmosphere was similar to that of Survivor...everyone trying to form alliances but no one getting anywhere with them. At every turn, something would happen that kept us stuck where we were.

Finally, the boat ran aground at a small resort. This was our chance! However, I was somehow indentured to this burly blonde man, and what he said was law. He sent me to this party to try and find a way to stay on at this resort, and when I arrived, I knew all the people inside. I told them my story of servitude, and they clucked and pshawed and said they'd love to help but really didn't have the time. At that point, a young girl from the boat walked up to me with my backpack on. I asked her to take it off, and she said, "No, I'm stealing it from you to trade for money on the black market."

"Okay, can I get my book out of it?" I asked.

"No," she said, "it's what you've put into it that makes it valuable. And now I'm taking it."

From that point, I remember her walking away, and hiding under a table from my acquaintances at the party. One of them saw me, however, and crawled under the table, put a pair of handcuffs on me, and returned me to my owner. He dragged me back to the boat, never letting me quite get my feet under me, and when we arrived, he threw me in a small, windowless cabin with a single bed and locked the door. That's when I woke up.

After a few fits and starts, I finally managed to get to sleep again...this time having a slightly more bizarre dream. I was with a woman I work with a a girl from high school I've not seen in years, and we were all in the waiting room at the gynecologist's office (No, this won't get too graphic for the men reading this). They called us back to the examination rooms, and there were no rooms...not even curtains...just beds in plain sight, and all the women working there were my friends. Friends who now knew every intimate detail... so I left. But when I walked out, I noticed the waiting room had a second level. I looked up, and a band started playing. People started pouring in...the place was turning into a night club. Very bizarre!

No telling what I'll "Dream up" next!

Moon's so bright, like to light up the night

2006-04-12T23:36:00.000-04:00

I have another stamp in my passport now...last weekend I went to Mexico, land of the margarita and beautiful beaches. As with all vacations, I left my life behind to learn a little about someone else, a little about somewhere else, and I picked up a little about myself along the way. What I learned this time is that for all my efforts to learn about other cultures and respect their practices and views, Mexico is not the place for me. I may not be an obnoxious American, but I am definitely an American.

The lesson began as soon as we hit the ground. "We" being myself and two girlfriends, one of whom having a birthday. It was a whirlwind trip taken at a snail's pace. We could only get a few days off, so we flew into our resort town on Thursday, ready to slather up with SPF, grab an umbrella drink and hit the sun. T'was not to be...we got off the plane and were greeted with a one hour wait to get through immigration. Not that the airport was overly busy, but because there were only two clerks working, and one went on lunch.

As the vacation progressed, we learned that time is of no essence in Mexico, and five minutes could easily mean a half hour or more - a concept we three queens of multitasking could not comprehend. But when in Rome....so we didn't raise a stink over anything, simply mused to ourselves that we would not fit in were we here more than a weekend.

In a place where time doesn't matter, everything takes longer. Perhaps that's why I was so bothered by the concept of constant bargaining for everything you need. We stopped at Super WalMart to get groceries for the condo, and that was the only time a price was fixed on anything. Everything else - food, drink, cab ride, you name it - could all be had at the price quoted you, but that price is always too high. The only way to gain respect and save money is to barter. Something that's hard for someone who does not speak Spanish!

So I readily admit, I am a proud member of a society that's going nowhere, but doing it at breakneck speed, while talking on the cell phone and checking email. I love taking my tap water for granted. I'm spoiled by the idea that some things cost what they cost and if it's too much, I can go elsewhere.

I also felt badly about my gringo status. The Condo we stayed in was not in the touristy part of town. Instead, it was in a separate village, surrounded by a fence. Traveling through the village gave us a look at a side of Mexico most people never see. We saw evening gatherings of people just sitting and chatting. Houses with holes in the roof. Houses with NO roof. Families sharing one meal between them. I'm not a rich person by American standards, but this made me feel downright opulent and almost embarrassed by it.

All that said, it was still a wonderful vacation, and I still have the sunburn to prove it. Hours on end spent by the pool, on the beach, doing at the same time nothing important and perhaps the most important thing of all...preserving our collective sanity. Now I'm back to the rat race, but I have the memories of calm blue waters, palm trees in the moonlight, and an intriguing night at a local dance club after one of my girlfriends decided to give me a makeover. Ah, memories...

I'm Baa-aack!

2006-04-10T23:35:00.000-04:00

Nothing like a vacation to clear the mind and offer a new perspective. After four days in Mexico, I've come to realize a few things about myself....among them that I can hold my liquor better than I thought (as long as it doesn't involve tequila straight) and my overt appreciation for multitasking. I've always considered myself a thoughtful, aware and accepting American...but this trip really underlined the word "American"for me. Not in a good way or a bad way, but in a way that again forces me to look at myself and realize things that will make me a better citizen of this society (I think, I hope).

It also made me realize that the southern Mexican sun is no match for some Coppertone SPF 50 on my pale white skin. Religious application every hour and a half, more often when swimming, which is twice as often as I would here, still didn't keep the burn away.

For now, I'll go smear some more aloe on my aching skin and go to bed, but I just wanted to say "hi."

Hi!