An Open Letter

These are words scrawled on paper in the black of night, then transcribed into something legible to sent them back from whence they came. I write them knowing that you may never see them. I simply feel the need to communicate with you, even if only with the spectre of you, harboring the illusion that you still care. Perhaps I'll delude myself a while longer.

I have offended you. I am sorry. I have hurt you. I am sorry. I can't say that enough right now. I also can't say it to you just yet. You don't want to speak to me and I'll respect that desire, and extend it to other forms of communication for the moment. You're right - I can't make you do anything you don't want to do, and no matter how much I want to solve this, if you don't want to speak to me, I care too much for you to force the issue.

If anything, I'm in a catch 22. I'm a fixer, a healer...I want the people I care about to be well, and it pains me to know that I have hurt you. I want to fix it. But to fix it, I feel I would only cause you more pain by talking to you. So instead, I have to step back and, in order to do what is best for you, I have to hurt my self. Taking a razor blade to my own soul, slashing in all directions in my feeble attempts to deflect the blade from you.

We have an amazing rapport in that you have managed to break through the wall around my heart and make me feel something. Therefore, it should not surprise me that to remove that influence results in amazing pain. Three days feel like thirty as I wait to hear from you again, to discover what has created such a rapidly growing rift between two people as close as we.

You say you want me to take control, yet you ask me to stay away. Confused as I am, I shall try to respect your desires, and your space, because I respect you. I will do my best to wait patiently in this purgatory of our mutual creation, but you have taught me something - that which is worth having, is worth fighting for. When the time comes I chafe against your abrupt silence and forced distance, I may have to stage one final campaign so I know that I have truly tried everything. I owe that to myself, and I owe that to you.