Saturday, December 13, 2008
Happy Holidays to all!
Saturday, November 08, 2008
I did it! I made it through the election season without tipping my had which way I wanted to go. Those of you who know me know that I work somewhere that I'm not supposed to reveal my opinion. And in the final two and a half months of the election season, that got harder and harder to do. Any comment, no matter how it was intended, was perceived as bias or an attempt to influence those within my sphere. I had to stop blogging because every time I even made a quip it looked slanted, or could at least be perceived that way. So I figured, if I couldn't even blog about my choice, I'd best not blog at all. I stayed away, and I did it! I didn't tip my hand, I played devil's advocate in conversations - only my closest confidants know how I voted. Even the economy/health-care debate the broke out at my own birthday dinner... and that was a hard one for me to avoid.
Of course, there were other things keeping me from the keyboard as well. Working three different shifts over the course of a week tends to make me want nothing more than sleep when I'm not working. Turning another year older led to a week's worth of partying, which was the only positive reason... For the most part work has consumed my life. Even Halloween, no one got to see the nifty costume I made, because I was detained at work for a site survey that lasted till midnight. So, to wrap this up before I grouse, I'm ready for a change. But my life is at someone else's disposal until after the first of the year.
Until then, I am trying something else for a sense of satisfaction. I'm trying NaNoWriMo. That's the exercise where you write a novel in a month. Mine will be no good - my friend talked me into it at the last minute so I'm a touch behind. But I'm trying it. ANd I'm hitting the lack of motivation point. The where do i go next point. So I'm letting you all know that I'm doing it in hopes that shame of not finishing will push me forward.
Wish me luck!
Tuesday, September 30, 2008
1. Who was your FIRST prom date?
Went to my Jr and Sr proms without dates, so the first prom date was the exchange student whom I met when I was in college.
2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love?
3. What was your FIRST alcoholic drink?
Gin martini (icky)
4. What was your FIRST job?
Snack bar waitress
5. What was your FIRST car?
Midnight blue metallic 1984 Ford Thunderbird
6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today?
Friend inquiring about my day
7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning?
The one who should've been in the bed with the cat and I
8. Who was your FIRST grade teacher?
9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane?
10. Who was your FIRST best friend, and are you still friends with him / her?
Kirsten - nope
11. Who was your FIRST kiss?
12. Where was your FIRST sleep over?
My grandma's house.
13. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today?
14. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time?
Dear Friend from college whom I still keep up with to this day
15. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning?
Hit the snooze
16. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to?
17. FIRST tattoo or piercing?
First piercing, ear lobes
18. FIRST foreign country you went to?Canada
19. First movie you remember seeing in the theater?
The Muppet Movie
20. When was your FIRST detention?
Never got one
21. What was the FIRST state you lived in?
Same one I'm in now
22. Who was the FIRST person to really break your heart?
To break it at the time in as much as I knew of love? Mr Sr. Prom Date
To truly break my heart? Mr. Scientist
23. Who was your first roommate?
College, freshman year
24. With whom was your FIRST date?
Sunday, September 07, 2008
I thought. I considered. I pondered, recollected, analyzed, and even ruminated... no dice. My brain just didn't want to go there - it kept following the line of thought forward, but not backward to its origin.
Then, Sen. John McCain pulled one of the biggest political gambles in decades.... Gov. Sarah Palin. Really? This is either a glimpse of political genius that we have missed out on because of the controversy on the other side of the ticket.... or one of the stupidest things a candidate could do right now. After hashing this one out with people on both sides and even a few undecideds, I think we'll have to let the historians tell our children that one in books yet to be written.
Having something else to let my mind nosh on for a while shoved our conversation to the back burner, where, as all good unwatched pots do, it boiled over this afternoon I went for a walk around a very flooded lake.
He said that he likes the "me" that he sees right now. Hmmm. Interesting. He's not the only one to say that. In fact, from the ex who moved away to the one I want and everyone in between, most people seem to like this "me" even more. When he said that, the first thought was "what's different?" I've pulled away from people in the last year, become more the staid and stalwart gal who sustained herself as an only child, as half of a relationship that made her feel unwanted, and as the one constantly left behind. I'm reverting to the person who does what she wants because no one really cares what she does. Don't get me wrong, I tried caring for people. I even let a few in after years of complaints that I was too walled off. They are all more comfortable, or so it appears, with that one way relationship from me.
I've started doing more things, but my heart isn't always in it. I don't go out just to avoid being alone any more. Now I sit at home and acknowledge that this is my life. I can choose to throw myself into other people's worlds and have that give-and-take, but with that comes their drama and their pain and the inevitable dragging-down that comes with being a part of their drama instead of an adviser. Those are the people I've stepped back from.
Don't get me wrong - I'm not shutting myself off entirely. Or that's not my intent. But the people whom I want to have as an integral part of my life, have decided they need to pull back from me. It hurts to think that for some I've been that drama they need to avoid, although I can acknowledge that being around me hasn't been as drama-free as I like in the last year and a half. I've done plenty of falling apart and putting myself back together. At times I've had help, and it's help that I actually, and uncharacteristically, welcomed. Lately, though, it's all me because, like Humpty Dumpty, no one wants to be there to put the pieces back together. I'm trying not to speculate about the why.... I get myself into trouble that way, trying to understand other people's actions without asking. Yet when I ask, I get radio silence for days/weeks at a time.
Then, today, as I was walking around the lake, it hit me. The essential question to me, I think, is how so many people can like something that I know is incomplete. Not necessarily "flawed" (any moreso than any other human) or "broken" (which one could argue I've been in the past). Simply missing what I consider to be an essential part for long term happiness. Companionship.
When I had it, I was less likeable, possibly because I knew I didn't quite "have" it yet, but that it was on loan, if that makes any sense. Which poses its own set of problems... another of the forward-thought processes that my brain kept following.
I am missing a significant person in my life. I've had boyfriends, I've had best friends, but all along they've not filled the gap entirely. Now I am free to pursue whatever I want, and am actually encouraged by many people to do so. Problem is, I don't want it. As you scratch your head in wonderment, allow me to explain.
I want companionship (for lack of a word bearing all sorts of inner and hidden and double/triple meanings). I had it. It was wonderful. I made mistakes that let it slip away. It's partially back, and it will take time to see if it ever comes back. Meanwhile, I'm technically free to pursue other offers. I've been told I should do the match.com thing, some eharmony... But I don't want to. I know what I'm missing and I know what piece of the puzzle seems to fit there. Any other pursuit at this point would
- waste the guy's time,
- therefore proving disrespectful, and
- would only be undertaken as an attempt to make someone else feel jealous, which would be a game, and I don't play games.
I know he wants me to see what else is out there. I can't do it. Which may explain also why my male friends like the me they see - I'm a challenge again, a puzzle to figure out. Not sure why my female friends are newly enamored... except that they don't have to give, they can just take now.
So there's the glimpse into my mind, as promised. Now it's time to go feed this kitten who's nudging me as I type!
Sunday, August 24, 2008
I remember oh so many weeks ago when the idea of $3.50 gas had people ready to turn in their cars for bikes, to sell homes and walk to work, to cancel summer vacation plans in favor of that new cheesy media term, a "stay-cation."
But now, all is relative. It amazes me just how fickle the American public can be... how quickly the same number can go from "crisis" to "relative bargain." Since it's been higher, albeit just for a few weeks, people now feel relief when they see this, and are driving more again. Considering Labor Day plans because gas is "cheaper". Cheaper. This same number that was a crisis point on the way up now elicits a sigh of relief on the way down.
I really need a Vespa.
Thursday, July 24, 2008
When I talk to my cat, I call her "Kit-ums" sometime. Not that that is anywhere close to her name. Where the heck does that come from?
What does it say when pet-names for pets are weirder than pet names for people?
It bothers me that there's a digital clock in the new sign for the cemetery down the street. There should be no concept of time in a cemetery, and if there is a clock, go old-school analog.
Double-click. It's a simple concept. Think you can try it?
Hmmm... how much more advanced would civilization be if people actually read an entire 2 paragraph email before firing off knee-jerk questions that are answered in the second paragraph?
And how smart-alecky would I sound if I pointed that out?
And those were just before 10 a-m. I'll snark a little more later...
Wednesday, July 16, 2008
The word of the night, is Jealousy. That green-eyed monster that we're all supposed to keep in check. Well, he and I had a conversation and I've come to realize, I had him all wrong. Yeah, he's still a monster, but he has his softer spots, and can actually lend a helping hand every once in a while. Just don't depend on him, because then he'll get you into ALL sorts of trouble!
Jealousy and I struck up a chat, complete with all the cursory pleasantries. Then we got to "where are ya from." I had always thought Jealousy came from the state of Mistrust. In the past, acknowledging his existance was an insult both to my character and to my loved one's. It said to me that there was something inherently wrong in either him or me that I didn't trust him, and that true love trusts. It also said that I didn't trust myself. All are deal-breakers for me in a relationship, so therefore, Jealousy and I never got acquainted - I always showed him the door.
I was all wrong.
Jealousy is not an offshoot of how little or how much you trust someone else. Jealousy comes from Fear. Fear of losing something - a connection, a love, a friendship, a position. I've never felt been jealous because I've thought I was trusting people to make good choices. Now, it appears that actually, I was either not invested enough to care about their choices even had they made bad ones, or I was too naive to image they would make a choice at opposition to what I would choose.
Recently, it's the naivety that had gotten me in trouble - I never imagined that someone I was so in step with would choose to do something so blatantly outside of our path. It never occurred to me that if we were walking in step he would question our stride and destination, and walk away on his own. But he did. And all of a sudden, I find myself looking into some very unfamiliar green eyes.
Now that I've found the source of it, I feel a little better about it. It's also given me a direction to take, so that I don't feel as helpless. Just an interesting conversation with our good friend Jay. One I felt like sharing, and you got to be the guinea pigs since you can click away at any time.... :)
Saturday, July 12, 2008
One of the things we do is trade horoscopes, then analyze just how right on, or how off-beat they are for our lives that particular day. We've found The Washington Post to have horoscopes that are a little less vague than most, a little longer, and full of discussion fodder. I don't usually look on the weekends, but today I was killing time and decided to take a peek.
Libra September 23 - October 22
For Saturday, July 12 -The problems of other
people don't interest you too much, right now, and even juicy gossip won't
thrill you the way it used to. Right now you're much more self-involved, which
is quite a switch for you. You've been putting the needs and wishes of other
people before your own for too long, and today your mind wants to find a
balance. Don't you deserve to be a bit selfish once in a while? You don't have
to ignore a friend's call, but you can feel free to let it go to voice mail.
Hmmm.... that's about as square on as a horoscope gets. I'm always there for my friends if they need me, but lately, I've been trying to take more time for myself. The only thing is, there's one person who trumps it all, and he's pushed me to the side. So I'm trying to find that balance with him, and within myself. I've been trying to convince myself that selfish is OK from time to time, especially when it involves telling him what I want instead of asking what's good for him.
But today, I know he needs something. And I want that something to be me. I want to ease his pain, to help him sleep, to take away the mental games and help him be the man I know him to be, the man he's allowed others to beat into a corner of his personality. For me, somewhat, but mostly for him.
And I tangent. Point being, I have been being a little more selfish lately and it's freed up more of me to give to him. And more of me to cry when he refuses me, but I'll keep trying.
Monday, July 07, 2008
I'm writing more because my mind has been on love a lot lately. One thing that has always bothered me about these love reality shows is the question, is it really love? These shows have the resources to take couples on dream date after dream date. to set up scenarios that whisk them out of reality and into a fantasy world where everything is roses. So are they pledging lifelong fidelity (because even if it doesn't work, it's still a life-long pledge at the time) to someone with whom they're compatible in the real world, or merely in a cotton-candy construct of Hollywood's making?
To watch this woman say she's falling in love with two people at once, but one moreso than the other really reinforces that to me. No reflection on her - she's just a human being plopped down in the middle of an amazing situation. But to fall so hard for two people... to me, just says that she's in love with the emotional journey and the situation just as much as the people.
Not that I have any remarkable insight here, I'm just bothered by this whole thing. I see the contrived scenarios they put these couples in to spark chemistry, and it makes me think of my own love life. I've fallen for someone with whom I don't need grandiose scenery and expensive dates to achieve love and affection. Dancing in an auditorium with a personal concert? I can't imagine it feeling any better than swaying in the living room with the right person as the mix CD we made plays behind us. An individual fireworks show? I get my own sparks when I see him. Now, if only I could see him.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
The good news is that we did make a little money, so at least all the effort didn't send us into the red.
My issue these days comes when I'm talking basic humanity. Be kind to others. Take their interests into account. Respect your elders. Don't intentionally hurt anyone, be it physically or emotionally. Put the needs of your loved one first. These, I was taught, would always be respected. Act in this way, in the interest of others, especially the interest of those whom you love, and forgiveness and understanding are always possible should you make a mistake.
That doesn't seem to be the case right now.
I've spent the last year and a half acting in what I saw as the best interest of one I love. He doesn't agree. But I can't tell you where he quit agreeing and decided that I wasn't forgiveable any more... or at least that I didn't deserve his care and affection and love anymore.
All I can do is ask his forgiveness and hope that he will see that my feelings haven't changed, and have even grown, because in not knowing his mindset toward me was what was changing in his life, my feelings continued to grow. I actually saw encouragement in his actions and now have been crashed onto the pavement, locked out and left to wait for him to decide whether I deserve a place in his life.
So I wait. And wonder what ever happened to the absolutes I was taught as a child. And decide that even the absolutes of life... aren't. Just wish I hadn't had to lose to learn this lesson.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Anywho, this is the major fundraiser for three animal rescues that are being flooded with applications now that the economy is turning downard. Wish us luck.
Friday, June 13, 2008
So if I'm Carrie Bradshaw, who's Mr. Big? I've discovered in recent weeks that I'm the kind of person who obviously inspires men to make "grand gestures" then leave my life. Another one appears to be laying the groundwork to leave right now. Each one, in his own way, exhibiting that "big" love, then departing. So which one gets to be Mr. Big? Cause right now, I'm crumbling and all I want is the happy ending.
Friday, May 16, 2008
Anyway, a few more random observances from the last few days, since i don't have the wherewithal to come up with a coherent post....
- There's nothing quite like coming home to a kitty cat who thinks she's a dog. Meets you at the door, then is small enough to crawl into your lap.
- The problem with ballet? It goes on about a half hour longer than it should. Just when the story ends, there's always a party or some other reason for people to do about 20 minutes worth of alternating solos!
- My cat and I are far too much alike.
- My car and I are far too much alike, too.
- It's been 10+ years since I've done the dating thing - no wonder I'm no good at it!
- I don't even want to do the dating around thing - I just have to find the way to tell one person that he's it.
- I'm way tired of being that strong woman who does everything alone. I did that even when I was in a relationship... it's wearing really thin.
- Fur therapy is awesome!
Sunday, April 20, 2008
It's been a long weekend. After I left a party on Friday night, the next time my phone rang was early this morning... a good friend letting me know his father had taken a turn for the worse. Then again, time to time today, with updates. But no one else until my (still feels strange to call him my) ex called this evening. Were it not for a tragedy, no one would have tried to contact me except someone who doesn't want me.
Don't get me wrong - I got a lot done on the charity event I'm working on. And I sat on the couch and crocheted quite a bit. But tonight I feel remarkably unsettled. I feel like there's something amiss and I can't put a finger on it. In part with me, because I know there are two people I should call tonight and I don't feel up to being someone else's rock or putting on a cheery face tonight. And in part with someone who I know was going through a life change this weekend and hasn't called to keep me in the loop. Not that I have to know everything mind you... just that, well, no news is supposed to be good news, but I'm the paranoid type when predictable people waiver from their patterns. So now I'm unsettled.
Add to that I'm very aware this weekend of being alone. I'd rather be single than be in a bad relationship (not that I have been, just saying I'm not one of those women for whom ANYTHING is better than NOTHING), but sometimes I want that comfort. I want that kindness. I'm just not in the mood for the whole "getting to know you" deal. I don't find myself interested in the sparks flying of beginning a relationship. I just want someone, male OR female, with whom I can be me. Sit on the couch, lean on them, not bear the burdens myself kind of "me." A male would be preferable, as it would be nice to be able to lean into them and fall asleep, but at this point I'd take the female companionship that goes beyond just listening.
Anyway, end of venting. I had a few things this week I wanted to post about, but didn't get to. I promise, a vent on the Supreme Court at some point this week.
Thanks for listening. I'm still paranoid, and still unsettled, but still - I needed that.
Tuesday, April 15, 2008
In honor of Tax Day here in America, a sentence for you to finish:
If I won the lottery, I would . . .
If I won the lottery, I would work until I knew what I was going to do with the money. I would travel for a year, and bring friends with me who would appreciate where we were going and enjoy what we saw. I would go to law school. I would set aside money for my kids for college (even though I don't have them yet). I would buy myself an historic home and renovate it. I would buy season tickets to all the local theater groups.
See... I think small. And you?
Sunday, April 13, 2008
So I'm driving home this weekend from a road trip, and I had a thought. With plenty of time to develop it, it turned into a stream of thoughts.
The argument could be made that America's form of democracy has outlived its usefulness.
Let me insert a disclaimer here - I'm proud to be an American, even though my name is NOT Lee Greenwood. I'm not saying that we should scrap democracy, but 200 years is a long time for one form of government in these times where we've seen so many developments in just the last generation. This as compared to a time when multiple generations could go by without significant technological advancements. Athens could not support a direct democracy after growing to a critical size - I'm just suggesting we tweak a bit.
We have already proven in 2000 that the electoral college is flawed, and in 2004 the impact that modern communication technology can have on the outcome of an election. This year, the close race on both sides of the ballot, and the fact that one of them will come down to superdelegates, proves that America has outgrown a primary calendar and staggered votes. Or at least the idea that those early voters are indeed a representative sample of the populace and will choose what the nation would choose.
In a word, it comes down to technology. Technology has finally allowed us to catch up with democracy. All the safeguards built into the Constitution can now be negated. The time between Election Day and the Inauguration covered time for the electoral college to travel to cast their ballots. That can now happen in a day, without travel. The electoral college was established to protect the nation from an uninformed electorate. That was a day when not everyone could read, and word traveled by horseback. Not so, these days. Education is a basic right and infomation is disseminated with the click-clack of a keyboard. Anyone who wants to be even more informed can seek it out for themselves, from one of a number of sources.
Tradition can go by the wayside as well - candidates can get their message out with the telephone, the television, and most importantly, the internet. Online forums replace debates in some cases, as candidates can participate from anywhere as long as they have broadband or wireless. Therefore, why do they need to fall back on the idea of a scheduled set of primaries, focusing on a set of states that, in actuality, do not provide a representative sample of the American public. Yet we maintain that system, with a nominee decided by Super Tuesday, and those states who fall after that date having no say in the selection process, whether they like the nominees or not.
The closeness of the race this year underscores that point. The fact that the Democratic race could come down to the final primaries and even, perhaps, the superdelegates, shows that the entire electorate deserves a voice, and not a less-than-scientific sample established mainly bu tradition.
These thoughts were swirling in my head when I found this article from the Washington Post. A Click-ocracy! How perfect! Opinions, information, and social circles, all transmitted by internet. Point, click, live a life unfettered - all online. Could "Vote" be next?
The Mouse in the Sky Keeps on Clickin'.....
Don't know what I'll read tomorrow...
See... isn't Journey awesome???
Wednesday, April 09, 2008
Monday, March 31, 2008
This is a real post?
Ok, ok, ok... I'm back. Back by popular demand in the true sense of popular, cause there weren't THAT many people clamoring for my return, but those who were, are damn persuasive!
In the time we've been apart, dear readers, life has taken a few twists and turns and careened around more than a few corners. Even so, we're still here. You, me, the blogosphere. It's all still here, as much as there are times we wish it all away. As much as there are times we want to close our eyes and wake up in someone else's life. It, and we, are still here.
That said, I managed to distill some thoughts from the swirly morass that substitutes for my brain at times.
Ever looked at a skein of yarn? See all the different layers and twists, but if you pull from the wrong spot, it creates tension, and you can't separate the parts as they collapse on themselves and tie themselves in knots. However, find the one true strand and pull one of the ends, and voila, it all separates like it was intended to, and can be fashioned into whatsoever you please, and it can be done as you go instead of having to pull it all, untie it, and then begin your work.
I haven't found my "true end" yet, but I'm getting very close - and have a great idea of what it looks like. In the end, I'm a simple person, one who is looking for a few things, but things that are quite important to me:
I need love, but I'm not willing to ask for it. I need someone who loves as I do - giving, and considerate as a baseline, not as a tool by which to impress. He has it.
I desire respect, and I'm willing to earn it. Work to gain it, and work to keep it. I will not take it for granted.
I want to be challenged, and I'm willing to seek that out. Wherever it takes me. I can always turn it down, but it's not my decision to make if I don't go after it to start with.
I want to live, not by someone else's rules, but by my own. And if that means I'm an eccentric who turns into a fuddy duddy on certain topics, sobeit.
So why, then, do I find myself constantly drawn to those men and women who don't allow me to live this way? And how long until the one who does let me, will be in a position to let me.?
End of test. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog-reading.