I did it! I wrote the novel, and I have it edited. It's a sense of accomplishment that's kinda nice. For a month I had a diversion to focus on. But now the holidays are squarely upon us and I can't help but be reminded of the goal I'm still holding out for. So I'll try to come back and write more in the Christmas/Hannukah/Kwanzaa/Eid season, but tonight, getting ready for what should be a festive evening, it just makes me sad thinking about the fact that what I truly want for Christmas will have to wait. But before I tear up again and this makeup trails off my face, it's time to go to a party.
Happy Holidays to all!
Showing posts with label Living life. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Living life. Show all posts
Saturday, December 13, 2008
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Success!
I have to start this post on a positive note, or it will turn into grousing, like so many other things in my life at this point, and that's not what I'm going for.
I did it! I made it through the election season without tipping my had which way I wanted to go. Those of you who know me know that I work somewhere that I'm not supposed to reveal my opinion. And in the final two and a half months of the election season, that got harder and harder to do. Any comment, no matter how it was intended, was perceived as bias or an attempt to influence those within my sphere. I had to stop blogging because every time I even made a quip it looked slanted, or could at least be perceived that way. So I figured, if I couldn't even blog about my choice, I'd best not blog at all. I stayed away, and I did it! I didn't tip my hand, I played devil's advocate in conversations - only my closest confidants know how I voted. Even the economy/health-care debate the broke out at my own birthday dinner... and that was a hard one for me to avoid.
Of course, there were other things keeping me from the keyboard as well. Working three different shifts over the course of a week tends to make me want nothing more than sleep when I'm not working. Turning another year older led to a week's worth of partying, which was the only positive reason... For the most part work has consumed my life. Even Halloween, no one got to see the nifty costume I made, because I was detained at work for a site survey that lasted till midnight. So, to wrap this up before I grouse, I'm ready for a change. But my life is at someone else's disposal until after the first of the year.
Until then, I am trying something else for a sense of satisfaction. I'm trying NaNoWriMo. That's the exercise where you write a novel in a month. Mine will be no good - my friend talked me into it at the last minute so I'm a touch behind. But I'm trying it. ANd I'm hitting the lack of motivation point. The where do i go next point. So I'm letting you all know that I'm doing it in hopes that shame of not finishing will push me forward.
Wish me luck!
I did it! I made it through the election season without tipping my had which way I wanted to go. Those of you who know me know that I work somewhere that I'm not supposed to reveal my opinion. And in the final two and a half months of the election season, that got harder and harder to do. Any comment, no matter how it was intended, was perceived as bias or an attempt to influence those within my sphere. I had to stop blogging because every time I even made a quip it looked slanted, or could at least be perceived that way. So I figured, if I couldn't even blog about my choice, I'd best not blog at all. I stayed away, and I did it! I didn't tip my hand, I played devil's advocate in conversations - only my closest confidants know how I voted. Even the economy/health-care debate the broke out at my own birthday dinner... and that was a hard one for me to avoid.
Of course, there were other things keeping me from the keyboard as well. Working three different shifts over the course of a week tends to make me want nothing more than sleep when I'm not working. Turning another year older led to a week's worth of partying, which was the only positive reason... For the most part work has consumed my life. Even Halloween, no one got to see the nifty costume I made, because I was detained at work for a site survey that lasted till midnight. So, to wrap this up before I grouse, I'm ready for a change. But my life is at someone else's disposal until after the first of the year.
Until then, I am trying something else for a sense of satisfaction. I'm trying NaNoWriMo. That's the exercise where you write a novel in a month. Mine will be no good - my friend talked me into it at the last minute so I'm a touch behind. But I'm trying it. ANd I'm hitting the lack of motivation point. The where do i go next point. So I'm letting you all know that I'm doing it in hopes that shame of not finishing will push me forward.
Wish me luck!
Saturday, July 12, 2008
Even the Stars Are Right Sometimes
I have a friend with whom I email frequently at work. We keep each other grounded, awake, and cognizant of the fact that life goes on.
One of the things we do is trade horoscopes, then analyze just how right on, or how off-beat they are for our lives that particular day. We've found The Washington Post to have horoscopes that are a little less vague than most, a little longer, and full of discussion fodder. I don't usually look on the weekends, but today I was killing time and decided to take a peek.
Hmmm.... that's about as square on as a horoscope gets. I'm always there for my friends if they need me, but lately, I've been trying to take more time for myself. The only thing is, there's one person who trumps it all, and he's pushed me to the side. So I'm trying to find that balance with him, and within myself. I've been trying to convince myself that selfish is OK from time to time, especially when it involves telling him what I want instead of asking what's good for him.
But today, I know he needs something. And I want that something to be me. I want to ease his pain, to help him sleep, to take away the mental games and help him be the man I know him to be, the man he's allowed others to beat into a corner of his personality. For me, somewhat, but mostly for him.
And I tangent. Point being, I have been being a little more selfish lately and it's freed up more of me to give to him. And more of me to cry when he refuses me, but I'll keep trying.
One of the things we do is trade horoscopes, then analyze just how right on, or how off-beat they are for our lives that particular day. We've found The Washington Post to have horoscopes that are a little less vague than most, a little longer, and full of discussion fodder. I don't usually look on the weekends, but today I was killing time and decided to take a peek.
Libra September 23 - October 22
For Saturday, July 12 -The problems of other
people don't interest you too much, right now, and even juicy gossip won't
thrill you the way it used to. Right now you're much more self-involved, which
is quite a switch for you. You've been putting the needs and wishes of other
people before your own for too long, and today your mind wants to find a
balance. Don't you deserve to be a bit selfish once in a while? You don't have
to ignore a friend's call, but you can feel free to let it go to voice mail.
Hmmm.... that's about as square on as a horoscope gets. I'm always there for my friends if they need me, but lately, I've been trying to take more time for myself. The only thing is, there's one person who trumps it all, and he's pushed me to the side. So I'm trying to find that balance with him, and within myself. I've been trying to convince myself that selfish is OK from time to time, especially when it involves telling him what I want instead of asking what's good for him.
But today, I know he needs something. And I want that something to be me. I want to ease his pain, to help him sleep, to take away the mental games and help him be the man I know him to be, the man he's allowed others to beat into a corner of his personality. For me, somewhat, but mostly for him.
And I tangent. Point being, I have been being a little more selfish lately and it's freed up more of me to give to him. And more of me to cry when he refuses me, but I'll keep trying.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
The Auction, part 2
Thanks for asking - the auction was a disappointment, mostly because of a lack of advertising. The auction house we used didn't send out their direct mailings, and even told regulars not to come. Add in a flash flood warning, and a faltering economy, and the fact that the auction house turned away donors, and it was not a pretty sight.
The good news is that we did make a little money, so at least all the effort didn't send us into the red.
The good news is that we did make a little money, so at least all the effort didn't send us into the red.
Saturday, June 21, 2008
Wish me Luck!
The time-sink known as a charity auction I've been organizing for the last three months is only hours away. Preview starts at 2, bidding at 4 and all over with by 5:30. Wow... hard to believe that 3 months of work will be over with, evaluated, and wrapped up in an hour and a half. It's been laden with drama, but next time, we won't get caught off guard by jumping in mid-stream. Then I can get back to living my OWN drama-laden life. Ugh.
Anywho, this is the major fundraiser for three animal rescues that are being flooded with applications now that the economy is turning downard. Wish us luck.
Anywho, this is the major fundraiser for three animal rescues that are being flooded with applications now that the economy is turning downard. Wish us luck.
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Solitude
I feel like talking to someone, but I don't know to whom. I feel like writing, but I don't know what to say.
It's been a long weekend. After I left a party on Friday night, the next time my phone rang was early this morning... a good friend letting me know his father had taken a turn for the worse. Then again, time to time today, with updates. But no one else until my (still feels strange to call him my) ex called this evening. Were it not for a tragedy, no one would have tried to contact me except someone who doesn't want me.
Don't get me wrong - I got a lot done on the charity event I'm working on. And I sat on the couch and crocheted quite a bit. But tonight I feel remarkably unsettled. I feel like there's something amiss and I can't put a finger on it. In part with me, because I know there are two people I should call tonight and I don't feel up to being someone else's rock or putting on a cheery face tonight. And in part with someone who I know was going through a life change this weekend and hasn't called to keep me in the loop. Not that I have to know everything mind you... just that, well, no news is supposed to be good news, but I'm the paranoid type when predictable people waiver from their patterns. So now I'm unsettled.
Add to that I'm very aware this weekend of being alone. I'd rather be single than be in a bad relationship (not that I have been, just saying I'm not one of those women for whom ANYTHING is better than NOTHING), but sometimes I want that comfort. I want that kindness. I'm just not in the mood for the whole "getting to know you" deal. I don't find myself interested in the sparks flying of beginning a relationship. I just want someone, male OR female, with whom I can be me. Sit on the couch, lean on them, not bear the burdens myself kind of "me." A male would be preferable, as it would be nice to be able to lean into them and fall asleep, but at this point I'd take the female companionship that goes beyond just listening.
Anyway, end of venting. I had a few things this week I wanted to post about, but didn't get to. I promise, a vent on the Supreme Court at some point this week.
Thanks for listening. I'm still paranoid, and still unsettled, but still - I needed that.
It's been a long weekend. After I left a party on Friday night, the next time my phone rang was early this morning... a good friend letting me know his father had taken a turn for the worse. Then again, time to time today, with updates. But no one else until my (still feels strange to call him my) ex called this evening. Were it not for a tragedy, no one would have tried to contact me except someone who doesn't want me.
Don't get me wrong - I got a lot done on the charity event I'm working on. And I sat on the couch and crocheted quite a bit. But tonight I feel remarkably unsettled. I feel like there's something amiss and I can't put a finger on it. In part with me, because I know there are two people I should call tonight and I don't feel up to being someone else's rock or putting on a cheery face tonight. And in part with someone who I know was going through a life change this weekend and hasn't called to keep me in the loop. Not that I have to know everything mind you... just that, well, no news is supposed to be good news, but I'm the paranoid type when predictable people waiver from their patterns. So now I'm unsettled.
Add to that I'm very aware this weekend of being alone. I'd rather be single than be in a bad relationship (not that I have been, just saying I'm not one of those women for whom ANYTHING is better than NOTHING), but sometimes I want that comfort. I want that kindness. I'm just not in the mood for the whole "getting to know you" deal. I don't find myself interested in the sparks flying of beginning a relationship. I just want someone, male OR female, with whom I can be me. Sit on the couch, lean on them, not bear the burdens myself kind of "me." A male would be preferable, as it would be nice to be able to lean into them and fall asleep, but at this point I'd take the female companionship that goes beyond just listening.
Anyway, end of venting. I had a few things this week I wanted to post about, but didn't get to. I promise, a vent on the Supreme Court at some point this week.
Thanks for listening. I'm still paranoid, and still unsettled, but still - I needed that.
Monday, December 31, 2007
So long, 2007
Should auld acquaintance be forgot.....
Less than 24 hours are left in 2007 at this point, and they can't pass quickly enough. Usually, I don't make New Year's Resolutions because I don't see the difference between making a change on one day or another. I don't put much stock in life changing because a clock chimed midnight. However, this year, I'm so desperate that I'll take anything.
2007 has tried to wrench every last drop of life out of me, and it's made quite the run. I've dealt with the bulk of it offline.... most of it personal enough, cuts that swipe so deep that I don't even have the desire to try and disguise them for the purposes of a blog. But I can sum it up in a few words. Tonight, I sit alone typing this in my house. A series of choices have put me here, and I know that. I'm just not happy with it, and the choices I've made to try to change that have left me even more alone. That, however, is another dissertation for another post.
That said, here's 2007 by the numbers:
2 - very important people in my life who moved away. And by moved away, I mean beyond week-end roadtrip distance.
5 - couples who got engaged
1 - amazingly fun wedding
1 - amazingly random wedding
4 - cupcakes that led to an awesome friendship
6 (at least) - fantabulous people to whom I've grown closer than I ever realized, and whom I should thank for helping me keep my sanity
2 - rooms repainted in my house as I searched for that sanity
25 - pairs of shoes now in my new organizer
3 - days it took me to clean out the two upstairs bedrooms so that I could have people over again
10 - out of town destinations I hit this year... I think.... destinations only, not states I flew over on the way
10 + the District - states I drove through in a U-Haul getting my friend to her new job
3 - days I spent in NYC trying to see an art exhibit that wasn't meant to be.
3 - hours spent at an amazing art exhibit here at home
1 - dance weekend organized
1 - family member's passing
3 - funerals attended
2 - jobs I still work
1 - Christmas ever spent alone in my lifetime, and this was it
1 - Midnight kiss I won't get on New Years Eve.
so many I can't count:
Less than 24 hours are left in 2007 at this point, and they can't pass quickly enough. Usually, I don't make New Year's Resolutions because I don't see the difference between making a change on one day or another. I don't put much stock in life changing because a clock chimed midnight. However, this year, I'm so desperate that I'll take anything.
2007 has tried to wrench every last drop of life out of me, and it's made quite the run. I've dealt with the bulk of it offline.... most of it personal enough, cuts that swipe so deep that I don't even have the desire to try and disguise them for the purposes of a blog. But I can sum it up in a few words. Tonight, I sit alone typing this in my house. A series of choices have put me here, and I know that. I'm just not happy with it, and the choices I've made to try to change that have left me even more alone. That, however, is another dissertation for another post.
That said, here's 2007 by the numbers:
2 - very important people in my life who moved away. And by moved away, I mean beyond week-end roadtrip distance.
5 - couples who got engaged
1 - amazingly fun wedding
1 - amazingly random wedding
4 - cupcakes that led to an awesome friendship
6 (at least) - fantabulous people to whom I've grown closer than I ever realized, and whom I should thank for helping me keep my sanity
2 - rooms repainted in my house as I searched for that sanity
25 - pairs of shoes now in my new organizer
3 - days it took me to clean out the two upstairs bedrooms so that I could have people over again
10 - out of town destinations I hit this year... I think.... destinations only, not states I flew over on the way
10 + the District - states I drove through in a U-Haul getting my friend to her new job
3 - days I spent in NYC trying to see an art exhibit that wasn't meant to be.
3 - hours spent at an amazing art exhibit here at home
1 - dance weekend organized
1 - family member's passing
3 - funerals attended
2 - jobs I still work
1 - Christmas ever spent alone in my lifetime, and this was it
1 - Midnight kiss I won't get on New Years Eve.
so many I can't count:
- unsolicited rude comments from strangers
- people who think they can run my life better than I can
- broken heart moments
- bad dreams
- sleepless nights
- pictures taken
- memories made
- memories relived
- hours spent trying to unravel my thoughts from their Gordian knot into a straight piece of mental twine
And
1 - person who made it all worth it
1 - person I want to spend next New Year's Eve with
So long, 2007. Here's to a better year ahead for all. Salute!
Tuesday, November 27, 2007
I'm Mobile!!!!
Yay me! I have finally broken down and purchased that piece of sanity known as a laptop. I'm still getting used to the posture and all, but after spending the last 2 days locked in a battle with both the wireless router and a mouse I've not-so-affectionately named Squeaky and Co., I can't say how thrilled I am to have something WORK!
We'll attack Squeaky in another post.
We'll attack Squeaky in another post.
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
In Case of Emergency Remix
Evidently being single and alone in my workplace is not an option.
Those forms I had to fill out were returned to me this week, with a little post-it note that said "Please fill in"
With what? Or more to the point, with whom?
Is it no longer socially acceptable to be a single female in this workplace? What are you supposed to do if you just don't have anyone you're that close to? I'm sorry, but the people closest to me are the people farthest from me... or they're so absent minded they wouldn't remember where I live or anything else about me. Good hearted souls, but the mind... not all there.
So I scrolled through my inbox and picked one. She's a newcomer, but I know she would at least know who to ask to get the info she would need. And she's on better terms than I am right now.
Once again, I beat the system
Those forms I had to fill out were returned to me this week, with a little post-it note that said "Please fill in"
With what? Or more to the point, with whom?
Is it no longer socially acceptable to be a single female in this workplace? What are you supposed to do if you just don't have anyone you're that close to? I'm sorry, but the people closest to me are the people farthest from me... or they're so absent minded they wouldn't remember where I live or anything else about me. Good hearted souls, but the mind... not all there.
So I scrolled through my inbox and picked one. She's a newcomer, but I know she would at least know who to ask to get the info she would need. And she's on better terms than I am right now.
Once again, I beat the system
Tuesday, September 18, 2007
In Case of Emergency, Please Call...
...No one.
I was at work today, filling out the annual update on our "on the job emergency" contact forms and it occurred to me. I don't have an Emergency Contact.
Sure, my parents can fill the secondary slot, but they're at least five hours away should anything happen. There is now officially no one in town whom I trust enough, care for enough, and whom I believe would care enough and know enough about me to be listed as my primary contact.
The one who filled that slot for so many years is now 500 miles away starting over. The friend who took his place last year - now 800 miles away. And the one who just two weeks ago could have filled that void in a pinch, now no longer speaking to me.
No wonder I've felt like an interloper for a while now. No wonder I feel this city is so foreign. It's all making sense now.
I was at work today, filling out the annual update on our "on the job emergency" contact forms and it occurred to me. I don't have an Emergency Contact.
Sure, my parents can fill the secondary slot, but they're at least five hours away should anything happen. There is now officially no one in town whom I trust enough, care for enough, and whom I believe would care enough and know enough about me to be listed as my primary contact.
The one who filled that slot for so many years is now 500 miles away starting over. The friend who took his place last year - now 800 miles away. And the one who just two weeks ago could have filled that void in a pinch, now no longer speaking to me.
No wonder I've felt like an interloper for a while now. No wonder I feel this city is so foreign. It's all making sense now.
Thursday, August 30, 2007
80s Video Game Deathmatch
Now that I have your attention...
We all have our own analogies for life. Life is like a garden... an airplane....a busy highway...a shopping mall. Driving home tonight, I came up with a new one. Life is like....a 1980s video arcade.
Think about it...
Sometimes, life is Ms Pac Man - day after day, eating the dots, doing what's expected and avoiding the trouble that's on your tail. However, every once in a while (4 times per board), you get the chance to turn on those who chase you, have your shining moment in the sun, and get your revenge before you move back on, eating the dot dot dot dot dot dot dot.
Sometimes, life is Donkey Kong - You climb the ladder, only to find out it doesn't take you where you want to be. So you shift lanes/patterns/paths/ideas and climb another, to find something coming right at you when you get there. And every once in a while, just when you think you've got the bait and switch routine down pat, the Universe throws a temper tantrum and stomps on your plans, shifting them all in a domino fashion and you begin again from round one.
Sometimes, life is Galaga - you have all the fire power you want, but you can only move in one plane, while the forces acting against you can move in two. It takes some artful moves to survive those days.
Sometimes, life is Jungle Hunt - You're swinging, back and forth, over the pitfalls. One false move and *chomp* you're dinner! Then you get on solid ground, only to have boulders come hurling themselves at you to trip you up. The decision being....jump? Or Crouch?
Sometimes life is Frogger - well . . . there's no comparison needed there. Life really *is* Frogger!
Sometimes life is Double Dragon - you and a trusted companion versus the world. Times you can defeat all comers, and at times, the world gets you.
Right now, my work life is Ms Pac Man and my personal life is Jungle Hunt. What did I leave out? And what is yours?
We all have our own analogies for life. Life is like a garden... an airplane....a busy highway...a shopping mall. Driving home tonight, I came up with a new one. Life is like....a 1980s video arcade.
Think about it...
Sometimes, life is Ms Pac Man - day after day, eating the dots, doing what's expected and avoiding the trouble that's on your tail. However, every once in a while (4 times per board), you get the chance to turn on those who chase you, have your shining moment in the sun, and get your revenge before you move back on, eating the dot dot dot dot dot dot dot.
Sometimes, life is Donkey Kong - You climb the ladder, only to find out it doesn't take you where you want to be. So you shift lanes/patterns/paths/ideas and climb another, to find something coming right at you when you get there. And every once in a while, just when you think you've got the bait and switch routine down pat, the Universe throws a temper tantrum and stomps on your plans, shifting them all in a domino fashion and you begin again from round one.
Sometimes, life is Galaga - you have all the fire power you want, but you can only move in one plane, while the forces acting against you can move in two. It takes some artful moves to survive those days.
Sometimes, life is Jungle Hunt - You're swinging, back and forth, over the pitfalls. One false move and *chomp* you're dinner! Then you get on solid ground, only to have boulders come hurling themselves at you to trip you up. The decision being....jump? Or Crouch?
Sometimes life is Frogger - well . . . there's no comparison needed there. Life really *is* Frogger!
Sometimes life is Double Dragon - you and a trusted companion versus the world. Times you can defeat all comers, and at times, the world gets you.
Right now, my work life is Ms Pac Man and my personal life is Jungle Hunt. What did I leave out? And what is yours?
Saturday, August 18, 2007
Shutting Down
I had a good run there for a while...I was on a roll. but now, I feel myself shutting down. Just turning off my interest in anything in my own life. Turning off feelings, turning off desires, just turning off and tuning out.
I find myself not sure how to live. I go to work, I push myself to excel there. However, when I get home,I don't know what to do. What does the world want from me, and what do I want from it? I've lived so little of my life for myself, and it's a hard pattern to break. I mentioned earlier about the whole new volume theory? Well, this one is starting out a lot like the last one...this week alone, I spent one night helping a friend assemble items for her work, I was late to a birthday party because I was trying to help keep it a surprise, I spent my Friday night helping a friend with something, and I spent today doing the same. I don't know how to live what I want because what I want is to make those closest to me, happy. Problem being, that's what got me in the hole that became the Grand Canyon from which I am now trying to extract myself. It's a fine line of who I am versus taking it to an extreme.
But, there has to be a bright side, right? I mean, at least I'm not starting this volume tied to railroad tracks in a hoop skirt like some damsel in distress......
I find myself not sure how to live. I go to work, I push myself to excel there. However, when I get home,I don't know what to do. What does the world want from me, and what do I want from it? I've lived so little of my life for myself, and it's a hard pattern to break. I mentioned earlier about the whole new volume theory? Well, this one is starting out a lot like the last one...this week alone, I spent one night helping a friend assemble items for her work, I was late to a birthday party because I was trying to help keep it a surprise, I spent my Friday night helping a friend with something, and I spent today doing the same. I don't know how to live what I want because what I want is to make those closest to me, happy. Problem being, that's what got me in the hole that became the Grand Canyon from which I am now trying to extract myself. It's a fine line of who I am versus taking it to an extreme.
But, there has to be a bright side, right? I mean, at least I'm not starting this volume tied to railroad tracks in a hoop skirt like some damsel in distress......
Sunday, June 17, 2007
Stereotype...busted!
Road rage doesn't discriminate. ANYONE can get pissed at the way people drive these days.
Want proof? I got some this afternoon.
So I'm leaving Target and sitting that the red light behind a new Ford Five Hundred with a handicapped placard and an elderly couple inside. (Note - I'm very cautious with the use of elderly...but these both had grey hair and gnarled fingers, so I believe I'm accurate here.)
The light turns green. The Ford doesn't move. I'm in no rush, so I wait...however, when no one moves, the sensor trips rather quickly and it's back to red. Okay - one light cycle down. I keep sitting.
The light turns green. The Ford doesn't move. I'm starting to wonder if everything is pkay in the car ahead of me. That and I'm getting ever so slightly impatient (Hey - I can admit my shortcomings!). So I honk the horn.
The brakelights on the Ford go off. As it starts to roll forward, the man at the wheel and his female companion turn to look at me, and the man flips me off!
So much for kindy older gentlemen in the South!
Want proof? I got some this afternoon.
So I'm leaving Target and sitting that the red light behind a new Ford Five Hundred with a handicapped placard and an elderly couple inside. (Note - I'm very cautious with the use of elderly...but these both had grey hair and gnarled fingers, so I believe I'm accurate here.)
The light turns green. The Ford doesn't move. I'm in no rush, so I wait...however, when no one moves, the sensor trips rather quickly and it's back to red. Okay - one light cycle down. I keep sitting.
The light turns green. The Ford doesn't move. I'm starting to wonder if everything is pkay in the car ahead of me. That and I'm getting ever so slightly impatient (Hey - I can admit my shortcomings!). So I honk the horn.
The brakelights on the Ford go off. As it starts to roll forward, the man at the wheel and his female companion turn to look at me, and the man flips me off!
So much for kindy older gentlemen in the South!
Sunday, April 22, 2007
Speak now...or forever hold your peace
I attended a wedding yesterday that was quite a joyous affair. I've not been to a wedding this happy in quite a long time - usually there's some flavor of drama going around that tinges the sweetness of the day with the tart pangs of jealousy or family secrets. Not so this time. However, a few things also struck me that I felt like sharing.
1) Something the pastor did say - One of his first comments was that Eve was taken from Adam's Rib... not his feet so she could be walked on; not his hand so she could be held down, not his back so she could follow...but under his arm, so she could be protected, from his side so she could stand as his equal, his companion. That was an interesting way to look at things I thought. Yeah yeah, you guys have heard it all before, but given the ceremony I was in and the mix of Baptist and Episcopalian, I was suprprised that made the cut.
2) Something the pastor didn't say: Nowhere in the ceremony was there any variation on "if anyone aming us knows reason this man and this woman should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace" bit. Possibly because there was no reason whatsoever for anyone to have anything against these two wonderful people, but more than likely because everyone knew coming in, were they to say a word, they'd be in TROUBLE with a capital T!
3) Something the couple did: It's the first time in years I've seen a ceremony include jumping the broom!
4) Something said in a toast: This was the one that really hit me. One of the bride's best friends (the matron of honor) said that God in His wisdom had created him for her and her for him, knowing before the hour of their births what would be the hour of their marriage. Wow! Talk about pre-destination! The Gentleman upstairs has His own agenda, that's true, but I just can't cotton any belief that our lives are SO predetermined that no matter what decisions we make, it's all going to go according to that hour-by-hour plan. To me, that means He knows not only that we will make mistakes (which we do cause we're not perfect), but which mistakes we will make, and how long it will take us to realize we're making a mistake, atone, and find the path He chose again. That just doesn't wash with me.
I bet if we could sneak a peek at His cosmic road map, there's a lot of roads doubling and tripling back on each other as we receive second and third and fourth chances to achieve the happiness we could have. Remind me not to drive that Spaghetti Junction without a GPS and Google Maps!
1) Something the pastor did say - One of his first comments was that Eve was taken from Adam's Rib... not his feet so she could be walked on; not his hand so she could be held down, not his back so she could follow...but under his arm, so she could be protected, from his side so she could stand as his equal, his companion. That was an interesting way to look at things I thought. Yeah yeah, you guys have heard it all before, but given the ceremony I was in and the mix of Baptist and Episcopalian, I was suprprised that made the cut.
2) Something the pastor didn't say: Nowhere in the ceremony was there any variation on "if anyone aming us knows reason this man and this woman should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace" bit. Possibly because there was no reason whatsoever for anyone to have anything against these two wonderful people, but more than likely because everyone knew coming in, were they to say a word, they'd be in TROUBLE with a capital T!
3) Something the couple did: It's the first time in years I've seen a ceremony include jumping the broom!
4) Something said in a toast: This was the one that really hit me. One of the bride's best friends (the matron of honor) said that God in His wisdom had created him for her and her for him, knowing before the hour of their births what would be the hour of their marriage. Wow! Talk about pre-destination! The Gentleman upstairs has His own agenda, that's true, but I just can't cotton any belief that our lives are SO predetermined that no matter what decisions we make, it's all going to go according to that hour-by-hour plan. To me, that means He knows not only that we will make mistakes (which we do cause we're not perfect), but which mistakes we will make, and how long it will take us to realize we're making a mistake, atone, and find the path He chose again. That just doesn't wash with me.
I bet if we could sneak a peek at His cosmic road map, there's a lot of roads doubling and tripling back on each other as we receive second and third and fourth chances to achieve the happiness we could have. Remind me not to drive that Spaghetti Junction without a GPS and Google Maps!
Friday, April 20, 2007
Square peg, round hole....
Wow, am I behind! The last week or so has been a whirlwind, to say the least. So please, forgive me so many posts at once, but there were a few I wrote in email and never did publish, so there will be a few popping in tonight. I'll start, though, with the one that I still have bouncing around in my head.
This time last week, I was on my way to Washington, DC. It's a great place to visit, and once upon a time, I wanted to live there. Then I didn't. Now I wonder again how I would fare, as DC seems to be an elixir for this troubled mind.
Every time I go there, I feel like I hit the reset button. My troubles seem to vanish for a few days, even when they can find me on my cell. I have an amazing time...but more importantly... I "fit." It's not that I fit IN, because that's a challenge anyone can tackle anywhere. I just feel like I "fit." The conversations go up a notch...pinging and ponging from the best lines in Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail...to religion as an evolutionary construct (great article...check it out! I'm only part of the way through it, but the idea is both plausible and fascinating!) And this wasn't the first time it happened.....I feel this way every time I come back.
So to me the question becomes, it is the people I meet, or the place itself, or just the fact that I'm on vacation? If I did move, though, there are some people I would take with me just to make the place perfect. Wonder how they feel about Northern Virginia suburbs....
This time last week, I was on my way to Washington, DC. It's a great place to visit, and once upon a time, I wanted to live there. Then I didn't. Now I wonder again how I would fare, as DC seems to be an elixir for this troubled mind.
Every time I go there, I feel like I hit the reset button. My troubles seem to vanish for a few days, even when they can find me on my cell. I have an amazing time...but more importantly... I "fit." It's not that I fit IN, because that's a challenge anyone can tackle anywhere. I just feel like I "fit." The conversations go up a notch...pinging and ponging from the best lines in Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail...to religion as an evolutionary construct (great article...check it out! I'm only part of the way through it, but the idea is both plausible and fascinating!) And this wasn't the first time it happened.....I feel this way every time I come back.
So to me the question becomes, it is the people I meet, or the place itself, or just the fact that I'm on vacation? If I did move, though, there are some people I would take with me just to make the place perfect. Wonder how they feel about Northern Virginia suburbs....
Monday, April 09, 2007
I tried....and it doesn't work
You're right...I do need to take someone up on the offer of just listening. Problem is finding someone who's not going to be disappointed in me. Or offended by me. Or judge me.
Be glad I didn't blog yesterday - it was a rough one - but after a long long weekend of tension and strife, I thought I had that person. She reached out to me and let me cry. I hadn't said anything because I feared disappointing her. I thought perhaps I wouldn't.
Wrong.
Today, I discovered things are right back to normal. She is an "act-now-think-later" person. I'm the opposite. But for her, if I'm not immediately taking steps to rectify my situation (and trying to figure out where to go from here doesn't count) then I'm nothing. But I already knew that one anyway.
Aack. I can't seem to win.
Be glad I didn't blog yesterday - it was a rough one - but after a long long weekend of tension and strife, I thought I had that person. She reached out to me and let me cry. I hadn't said anything because I feared disappointing her. I thought perhaps I wouldn't.
Wrong.
Today, I discovered things are right back to normal. She is an "act-now-think-later" person. I'm the opposite. But for her, if I'm not immediately taking steps to rectify my situation (and trying to figure out where to go from here doesn't count) then I'm nothing. But I already knew that one anyway.
Aack. I can't seem to win.
Saturday, April 07, 2007
Gimme Shelter
With each passing day, the sleep deficit grows. I close my eyes, and my body relaxes, but the brain cannot. Instead, the backs of my eyelids become a projection screen, where the scenes of my life as it is, as it was, and as it could be all play out in a random order and seemingly simultaneously...until I jolt awake crying, screaming, or just in plain fear.
I've hidden it well, or so I thought, until last night someone offered me the comfort of shelter. Not the One who Knows...or the One who Should Notice...but just, One who Cares.
As we danced, I kept missing the lead and apologizing. After the third time, he increased the pressure on my back, and said he didn't mind. "Your mind is wandering somewhere...I think it keeps bouncing between your dance and whatever is causing those bags under your eyes," he said. "Don't sweat the following, and if you need a shoulder to cry on, even just while you dance, you know where to find me."
At that moment, you don't know how welcome it was. I couldn't do it, mind you. I need not pull someone else into this rabbit hole with me. But I'm so raw right now, that the idea nearly cracked my fragile shell. I could feel my emotions aching to be heard and just held. Security. Safety. The few things that I can't give myself right now.
I didn't do it though. Aside from it being wrong to use someone like that, I'm on a precarious perch right now. I teeter on the wire, held in place by opposing forces. If one pushes harder than the other, I'll crack...I know I will. the question becomes now - who can exert the greater forces...exterior or the fear I create from my own worries.
I've hidden it well, or so I thought, until last night someone offered me the comfort of shelter. Not the One who Knows...or the One who Should Notice...but just, One who Cares.
As we danced, I kept missing the lead and apologizing. After the third time, he increased the pressure on my back, and said he didn't mind. "Your mind is wandering somewhere...I think it keeps bouncing between your dance and whatever is causing those bags under your eyes," he said. "Don't sweat the following, and if you need a shoulder to cry on, even just while you dance, you know where to find me."
At that moment, you don't know how welcome it was. I couldn't do it, mind you. I need not pull someone else into this rabbit hole with me. But I'm so raw right now, that the idea nearly cracked my fragile shell. I could feel my emotions aching to be heard and just held. Security. Safety. The few things that I can't give myself right now.
I didn't do it though. Aside from it being wrong to use someone like that, I'm on a precarious perch right now. I teeter on the wire, held in place by opposing forces. If one pushes harder than the other, I'll crack...I know I will. the question becomes now - who can exert the greater forces...exterior or the fear I create from my own worries.
Friday, April 06, 2007
A Slice of the Morning
7:50am - out of the shower. Looks like I have time to check my email AND stop for coffee. Insomnia has its benefits!
8:06am - still at the keyboard. Hmmmm....minimal staffing at the office today. It's a holiday - what else did I expect? Quick read of the 4am ramblings I forgot to post on the blog.
8:17am - still cleaning up those 4 am ramblings. Crap - I still have to make lunch. Forget that!
8:27am - starting the car, looking down at the clock...I can still hit Rana Capelli if I hurry...
8:29am - don't need to hurry - it's Good Friday - no one is on the roads!
8:31am - and neither was the owner of the drive thru coffee shop. Pull up to the window, sign reads "Have a Good Friday. We will. Closed till Easter Monday"
8:37am - this is good...no one on the roads today, I'm making record time. Maybe I can make it to work really early!
8:39am - accident about a mile from work. Shit! I can't do it.
8:06am - still at the keyboard. Hmmmm....minimal staffing at the office today. It's a holiday - what else did I expect? Quick read of the 4am ramblings I forgot to post on the blog.
8:17am - still cleaning up those 4 am ramblings. Crap - I still have to make lunch. Forget that!
8:27am - starting the car, looking down at the clock...I can still hit Rana Capelli if I hurry...
8:29am - don't need to hurry - it's Good Friday - no one is on the roads!
8:31am - and neither was the owner of the drive thru coffee shop. Pull up to the window, sign reads "Have a Good Friday. We will. Closed till Easter Monday"
8:37am - this is good...no one on the roads today, I'm making record time. Maybe I can make it to work really early!
8:39am - accident about a mile from work. Shit! I can't do it.
8:40am – the clock rolls over, and silence starts to build. I tried to run from it, but the absence of one sound creates a second presence in the car, drowning out even the radio that I’ve cranked to try to avoid the inevitable.
Sometimes, I tire of running.
...that's MS. Hyde to you!
I didn't make a return to the blogosphere to cry on your virtual shoulders. I came back because a few people said they missed me, and because one in particular encouraged me to start writing again. That said, in skimming through the rest of the posts I've made this year, it does sound as though I'm back just to lament the state of the world.
Newsflash: Life's not THAT bad.
Yes, I'm in an emotional pit right now, trying to dig myself out. Yes, I'm not really sure which way is up. Yes, I'm experiencing a lot more hurt and confusion than I've had in years. But things could be so much worse that it's not even funny! My material needs are met - the bills are paid...and my friends surround me. That said, they also have no clue a thing is happening, except two very observant people whom I don't know that I can trust with my self.
Which is why I'm pulling this Dr. Jekyll/Ms. Hyde routine of whiplash between posts. One flighty, one deep...one curious and one sad.
I say this because I have thoughts I want to pursue and I can't do it with people. I tried earlier tonight and one of my best friends' response was "Yep...that's a pickle. Don't know what you're going to do." So I'll do it here.
Thanks for listening. After all, you can just keep clicking through if I'm too much! :)
Newsflash: Life's not THAT bad.
Yes, I'm in an emotional pit right now, trying to dig myself out. Yes, I'm not really sure which way is up. Yes, I'm experiencing a lot more hurt and confusion than I've had in years. But things could be so much worse that it's not even funny! My material needs are met - the bills are paid...and my friends surround me. That said, they also have no clue a thing is happening, except two very observant people whom I don't know that I can trust with my self.
Which is why I'm pulling this Dr. Jekyll/Ms. Hyde routine of whiplash between posts. One flighty, one deep...one curious and one sad.
I say this because I have thoughts I want to pursue and I can't do it with people. I tried earlier tonight and one of my best friends' response was "Yep...that's a pickle. Don't know what you're going to do." So I'll do it here.
Thanks for listening. After all, you can just keep clicking through if I'm too much! :)
Thursday, April 05, 2007
Slipping away and nothing I can do
It's there again. That emptiness...except emptiness isn't the right word because that insinuates that I can fill it.
How about void? Void works nicely. Because it's a hole larger than I can fill alone, larger than I can repair with a spiritual Band-aid. Let's go with void, shall we?
It's my fault I feel this way. Something I truly want is slipping away and the bad thing is...I've seen it coming. I've seen this unfolding and I haven't had the strength to stop it before now. My mind has seen the logic, my heart has seen the desperation. I've prayed for guidance, and thought I was receiving none. Perhaps I was after all, and as a stupid human being simply ignored it, thinking that God couldn't be that simple.
I prayed for love....I receive hurt. I pray for forgiveness, I feel more guilt. I ask for a glimpse into whether I'm making the right decisions...and I get a turn of events that tells me, no, I must be doing something wrong. Now I just hope o find a way to right my wrongs and repair the damage done.
But there's nothing I can do. For anyone. So tonight I indulge this desperation and tomorrow I begin to close off that void. I'm utterly paralyzed by the thought of making the wrong decision again, but I can't just sit here.
How about void? Void works nicely. Because it's a hole larger than I can fill alone, larger than I can repair with a spiritual Band-aid. Let's go with void, shall we?
It's my fault I feel this way. Something I truly want is slipping away and the bad thing is...I've seen it coming. I've seen this unfolding and I haven't had the strength to stop it before now. My mind has seen the logic, my heart has seen the desperation. I've prayed for guidance, and thought I was receiving none. Perhaps I was after all, and as a stupid human being simply ignored it, thinking that God couldn't be that simple.
I prayed for love....I receive hurt. I pray for forgiveness, I feel more guilt. I ask for a glimpse into whether I'm making the right decisions...and I get a turn of events that tells me, no, I must be doing something wrong. Now I just hope o find a way to right my wrongs and repair the damage done.
But there's nothing I can do. For anyone. So tonight I indulge this desperation and tomorrow I begin to close off that void. I'm utterly paralyzed by the thought of making the wrong decision again, but I can't just sit here.
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