Monday, December 31, 2007

So long, 2007

Should auld acquaintance be forgot.....

Less than 24 hours are left in 2007 at this point, and they can't pass quickly enough. Usually, I don't make New Year's Resolutions because I don't see the difference between making a change on one day or another. I don't put much stock in life changing because a clock chimed midnight. However, this year, I'm so desperate that I'll take anything.

2007 has tried to wrench every last drop of life out of me, and it's made quite the run. I've dealt with the bulk of it offline.... most of it personal enough, cuts that swipe so deep that I don't even have the desire to try and disguise them for the purposes of a blog. But I can sum it up in a few words. Tonight, I sit alone typing this in my house. A series of choices have put me here, and I know that. I'm just not happy with it, and the choices I've made to try to change that have left me even more alone. That, however, is another dissertation for another post.

That said, here's 2007 by the numbers:

2 - very important people in my life who moved away. And by moved away, I mean beyond week-end roadtrip distance.

5 - couples who got engaged

1 - amazingly fun wedding

1 - amazingly random wedding

4 - cupcakes that led to an awesome friendship

6 (at least) - fantabulous people to whom I've grown closer than I ever realized, and whom I should thank for helping me keep my sanity

2 - rooms repainted in my house as I searched for that sanity

25 - pairs of shoes now in my new organizer

3 - days it took me to clean out the two upstairs bedrooms so that I could have people over again

10 - out of town destinations I hit this year... I think.... destinations only, not states I flew over on the way

10 + the District - states I drove through in a U-Haul getting my friend to her new job

3 - days I spent in NYC trying to see an art exhibit that wasn't meant to be.

3 - hours spent at an amazing art exhibit here at home

1 - dance weekend organized

1 - family member's passing

3 - funerals attended

2 - jobs I still work

1 - Christmas ever spent alone in my lifetime, and this was it

1 - Midnight kiss I won't get on New Years Eve.

so many I can't count:

  • unsolicited rude comments from strangers
  • people who think they can run my life better than I can
  • broken heart moments
  • bad dreams
  • sleepless nights
  • pictures taken
  • memories made
  • memories relived
  • hours spent trying to unravel my thoughts from their Gordian knot into a straight piece of mental twine


1 - person who made it all worth it

1 - person I want to spend next New Year's Eve with

So long, 2007. Here's to a better year ahead for all. Salute!

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

An Unaddressed Letter with Your Answers

I want their input on where our lives are going. I want to see
their ideas on our future. I admit I am too quick to spout out ideas and dreams, and they are listened to with patient ears. But I am ready to know what is expected of me. Tell me. Ask me. Demand of me. I want to

My ears may be patient, but my mind is not. For every time I bite my lip so as not to pressure you, I have 10 thoughts of where life could go. All I know for certain is that I want you by my side as it unfolds. You should know me well enough to know, I do not make demands. Do not expect that to change in the present situation. You are a person with much on your plate. I am happy right now with what I can get, but there will be more. There will be a time in the future when I am figured into the equation. Until then, I don't know that I can ask for this outright, but in my world, here's what I want.

I want a ring. I want the promise that the future holds. I want a white dress and a flower girl and a ring bearer and crowds of family and friends saying how happy they are. I want well wishes and the hope of tomorrow.

I want stability. I want to know that this time is mine and that time is yours. I want my rock to stop rolling and to stay in one place. When I am in need, I want to know you'll be there, no question. I want you to know you have me always, thick or thin. I want the privilege of being able to ask your time be devoted to me. I want you to ask that my time be for you.

I want experience. I want you to teach me to kayak. I want to teach you the arts. I want to seek out things we've never done and learn them together, one step at a time, and to laugh with each other each step of the way. I want to experience love at its fullest.

I want bravery. You give me the courage I lack. I want to step forward with you and try things that I, myself, am sure to fail. I want to know that you are here. Not there. Here.

I want family. I want love. I want it all. And I want to share it all with you. Sounds easy, yes?

So that's just a glimmer of the many places my mind goes. I have plans. I have ideas. And perhaps, next Christmas, they will be more than just dreams.

Merry Christmas, dear.