Thursday, July 24, 2008

A Day of Randomness Inside My Head

I've spent far too much time inside my own head lately, and I'm not expecting miracles in terms of getting pulled out of it. So instead I thought I'd offer up a few of the random snippets that cross my mind over the course of a day that break up the monotony. Carried a pen and paper today and jotted down a few:

When I talk to my cat, I call her "Kit-ums" sometime. Not that that is anywhere close to her name. Where the heck does that come from?

What does it say when pet-names for pets are weirder than pet names for people?

It bothers me that there's a digital clock in the new sign for the cemetery down the street. There should be no concept of time in a cemetery, and if there is a clock, go old-school analog.

Double-click. It's a simple concept. Think you can try it?

Hmmm... how much more advanced would civilization be if people actually read an entire 2 paragraph email before firing off knee-jerk questions that are answered in the second paragraph?

And how smart-alecky would I sound if I pointed that out?

And those were just before 10 a-m. I'll snark a little more later...

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

Green-Eyed Monster, Defined

So at the risk of sounding stupid, I've decided to blog about a lesson that smacked me upside the head in the wee hours of the morning, and turned in my head all night. I've been working a swing shift, and am sleep deprived as a result, which means I'm not in my wittiest of moods. Please forgive.

The word of the night, is Jealousy. That green-eyed monster that we're all supposed to keep in check. Well, he and I had a conversation and I've come to realize, I had him all wrong. Yeah, he's still a monster, but he has his softer spots, and can actually lend a helping hand every once in a while. Just don't depend on him, because then he'll get you into ALL sorts of trouble!

Jealousy and I struck up a chat, complete with all the cursory pleasantries. Then we got to "where are ya from." I had always thought Jealousy came from the state of Mistrust. In the past, acknowledging his existance was an insult both to my character and to my loved one's. It said to me that there was something inherently wrong in either him or me that I didn't trust him, and that true love trusts. It also said that I didn't trust myself. All are deal-breakers for me in a relationship, so therefore, Jealousy and I never got acquainted - I always showed him the door.

I was all wrong.

Jealousy is not an offshoot of how little or how much you trust someone else. Jealousy comes from Fear. Fear of losing something - a connection, a love, a friendship, a position. I've never felt been jealous because I've thought I was trusting people to make good choices. Now, it appears that actually, I was either not invested enough to care about their choices even had they made bad ones, or I was too naive to image they would make a choice at opposition to what I would choose.

Recently, it's the naivety that had gotten me in trouble - I never imagined that someone I was so in step with would choose to do something so blatantly outside of our path. It never occurred to me that if we were walking in step he would question our stride and destination, and walk away on his own. But he did. And all of a sudden, I find myself looking into some very unfamiliar green eyes.

Now that I've found the source of it, I feel a little better about it. It's also given me a direction to take, so that I don't feel as helpless. Just an interesting conversation with our good friend Jay. One I felt like sharing, and you got to be the guinea pigs since you can click away at any time.... :)

Saturday, July 12, 2008

Even the Stars Are Right Sometimes

I have a friend with whom I email frequently at work. We keep each other grounded, awake, and cognizant of the fact that life goes on.

One of the things we do is trade horoscopes, then analyze just how right on, or how off-beat they are for our lives that particular day. We've found The Washington Post to have horoscopes that are a little less vague than most, a little longer, and full of discussion fodder. I don't usually look on the weekends, but today I was killing time and decided to take a peek.
Libra September 23 - October 22
For Saturday, July 12 -The problems of other
people don't interest you too much, right now, and even juicy gossip won't
thrill you the way it used to. Right now you're much more self-involved, which
is quite a switch for you. You've been putting the needs and wishes of other
people before your own for too long, and today your mind wants to find a
balance. Don't you deserve to be a bit selfish once in a while? You don't have
to ignore a friend's call, but you can feel free to let it go to voice mail.

Hmmm.... that's about as square on as a horoscope gets. I'm always there for my friends if they need me, but lately, I've been trying to take more time for myself. The only thing is, there's one person who trumps it all, and he's pushed me to the side. So I'm trying to find that balance with him, and within myself. I've been trying to convince myself that selfish is OK from time to time, especially when it involves telling him what I want instead of asking what's good for him.

But today, I know he needs something. And I want that something to be me. I want to ease his pain, to help him sleep, to take away the mental games and help him be the man I know him to be, the man he's allowed others to beat into a corner of his personality. For me, somewhat, but mostly for him.

And I tangent. Point being, I have been being a little more selfish lately and it's freed up more of me to give to him. And more of me to cry when he refuses me, but I'll keep trying.

Monday, July 07, 2008

The Final Rose

I hate to admit it, but I watched the final episode of The Bachelorette tonight. I won't spoil it for those of you who may be taping it (as I just learned my friend is - sorry!), but all I'll say about the outcome is that I would have taken the other one. But to each their own and that is why everyone is said to have a soulmate.

I'm writing more because my mind has been on love a lot lately. One thing that has always bothered me about these love reality shows is the question, is it really love? These shows have the resources to take couples on dream date after dream date. to set up scenarios that whisk them out of reality and into a fantasy world where everything is roses. So are they pledging lifelong fidelity (because even if it doesn't work, it's still a life-long pledge at the time) to someone with whom they're compatible in the real world, or merely in a cotton-candy construct of Hollywood's making?

To watch this woman say she's falling in love with two people at once, but one moreso than the other really reinforces that to me. No reflection on her - she's just a human being plopped down in the middle of an amazing situation. But to fall so hard for two people... to me, just says that she's in love with the emotional journey and the situation just as much as the people.

Not that I have any remarkable insight here, I'm just bothered by this whole thing. I see the contrived scenarios they put these couples in to spark chemistry, and it makes me think of my own love life. I've fallen for someone with whom I don't need grandiose scenery and expensive dates to achieve love and affection. Dancing in an auditorium with a personal concert? I can't imagine it feeling any better than swaying in the living room with the right person as the mix CD we made plays behind us. An individual fireworks show? I get my own sparks when I see him. Now, if only I could see him.