Sunday, January 30, 2005

Moments of Clarity

Clarity trumps lucidity, I've decided. They're actually
quite closely related, but today, they've been separated by a
vast chasm in my head.

We all have our moments, but it's quite rare that I feel this
disconnected from the world around me. Unable to keep my
head in a conversation, unable to maintain focus. I don't do
any form of drugs, haven't had a drop to drink, and it's not
that fuzzy about-to-come-down-with-something feeling, so I
can't really explain it.

All day I've had moments of clarity, and moments of
lucidity. Problem is, I need them constantly,
simultaneously, and they've been hitting randomly and far
from synchronized. What it adds up to is instances of
realization of what needs to be done, but not enough presence
of mind to express it...followed by a grasp of language and
concepts that makes me return to the issues at hand, but the
inability to process more details to advance myself. All in
all a disorienting and dispiriting day.

I don't know what it is - am I tired? Was my blood sugar low
(I haven't been hungry)? Was my mind completely on
vacation? Either way, I've decided I'd rather be able to
process information than express it. After all, if you can't
process, it doesn't MATTER what you're expressing, and unless
you're in real trouble, you have time to rephrase your
words. If not, chances are the adrenaline has kicked in and
everything is working in sync, at least for the moment.

Maybe that's my problem...too much adrenaline, too
much sugar, too much anger and simmering unhappiness. Too
many questions unanswered and too many answers ungiven. At
any rate, I'm slipping again. Time to go read more and
remind myself what I aspire to be.

Slow Motion

I feel like I'm moving in slow motion, and it's not a good
feeling! I'm trying to process things, but information and
thoughts are having to cut through this thick haze that seems
to be surrounding my brain today. Not good. And now things
are getting busy. More later.

Saturday, January 29, 2005

Under a Microscope

I now know what happens when Greeks grow up. (No, I don't mean people of Hellenic ancestry - I mean frats and sororities.) And it's not always pretty.

Went to a girls' night tonight, all of the guests but three (myself being one of the three) were in the same sorority when they were in college. It was a very odd situation. First off, I'm just enough older than these girls that we had nothing in common except, of course, with the person who invited me. She was Greek only because her mother felt it was important... and was willing to pay for it. That's not to say she couldn't party - she just chose to do it without throwing herself at anything that moved.

Second, I ended up watching what only can be described as this odd bonding ritual of nicknames and cheek smooches and inside jokes. It's what we always thought the inside of a sorority house must be like after all the boys are ushered out in the morning.

I supposed I would compare the night to a carb-counter smoothie - all the ingredients minus one, watered down and not as bad for you, and leaving a bad taste in your mouth. Imagine - about a dozen sisters gathered to drink and talk, but no hitting on men because they're all taken.

I think I'll keep looking for a better analogy. Until then, I'm proud to have been what a friend called a GDI: G-D Independent!

Friday, January 28, 2005

Long time no blog

Yeah, if you look at the dates, it's been a few days since I blogged anything.

That's not entirely the truth. I've deleted a few posts here. Just way too personal for me to put out there, even though no one knows who I am or where this is. I want to write about rhetorical questions and pose issues to myself. These were letters to someone, feelings and sentiments I would rather say face to face if I can ever, to paraphrase Shakespeare, "screw my courage to the sticking place."

So they're gone from here. Don't worry - I'm not abandoning the blog. Not that anyone reads this anyway...I think I could count you all on one hand and have fingers left over. However, even though I know this is an effective means of communication, I can't hide behind my words.

Someday, I'll fill ya in. Till then, it's bed time.

Tuesday, January 25, 2005

The Blower's Daughter

It's a day for posting lyrics again...This time it's the song Mike Nichols used for Closer, which at some point when I have time to sit and truly pontificate, will be the fodder for another post.

And so it is
Just like you said it would be
Life goes easy on me
Most of the time
And so it is
The shorter story
No love, no glory
No hero in her sky

I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...

And so it is
Just like you said it should be
We'll both forget the breeze
Most of the time
And so it is
The colder water
The blower's daughter
The pupil in denial
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off of you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes off you
I can't take my eyes...
Did I say that I loathe you?
Did I say that I want to
Leave it all behind?
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off of you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind off you
I can't take my mind...My mind...

Monday, January 24, 2005

How you say?

I have such a slow wit sometimes...l'esprit de l'escalier if you will.

What? You haven't heard that phrase before? You've probably heard it and just haven't used it because it's a hard one to explain. Basically, it means that one only thinks of the witty retort as you're descending the staircase away from the situation.

No, I didn't make that up, I promise! I had actually heard it before, and was thrilled to find it on
a list of the most untranslatable words on the planet. Also on the list are:

  • a Tshiluba word for a person who is ready to forgive any transgression a first time and then to tolerate it for a second time, but never for a third time;
  • a Greek word for infusing your life with passion, creativity or love;
  • and a Japanese phrase that when translated literally means "a meal eaten sideways" but that the Japanese use to express the stress associated with learning a new language.

Amazing, eh? I wonder what English words (or more specifically, Americanisms) just don't make it into other languages in that same vein?

Sunday, January 23, 2005

Not so free

Ever wonder why I try to keep so many identifying details out of my blog?

This is why right here. A story about people being fired for too many details on their blogs. I know someone who falls into this category, and let me say, I've learned from his mistakes.

Thursday, January 20, 2005

Table for Four

NPR : 'Angels and Demons' Draws Tourists to Rome

As a fan of Dan Brown's books, I heard this on Morning Edition and had to blog it. The book may not be plausible, but the mind that dreamed up some of these plot twists (No, I won't ruin the book for you) is a mind I'd love to have coffee with just once.

Or perhaps that fantasy dinner my friend is always talking about. She's always posing rhetorical questions or questions designed to put you on the spot. Two of her favorites come in a pair:

1: Name three people, living or dead, with whom you would like to have dinner.

2: Name three people, living or dead, with whom you'd want to have a one night stand.

I never have an answer for number 2, but for number one, I can come up with some pretty intersting threesomes. I'd definately put Dan Brown at a table with Bono and Jesus. But it would have to be a five course meal because getting their takes on the Catholic Church would go on for hours!

27 Freedoms and nothin' on

I listened to the President's Second Inaugural Address today. I didn't watch him deliver the speech because I wanted to truly HEAR his words, not consider them as some sort of package deal with the facial expressions and however the networks were covering the event. I wanted to hear what he had to say.

Overall, I was not impressed. Should an address delivered on the day one takes leadership of the last superpower (albeit for a second term) not deal with your objectives here at home? Yes, we are interconnected with the rest of the world, but this to mee seemed to step out and say "For the next four years, we're sticking our nose into everyone else's business." We know that already. We knew that the day after the election when the electoral college was decided. And he confirmed it:

Today, America speaks anew to the peoples of the world: All who live in tyranny and hopelessness can know: the United States will not ignore your oppression, or excuse your oppressors. When you stand for your liberty, we will stand with you.
Democratic reformers facing repression, prison, or exile can know: America sees you for who you are: the future leaders of your free country.

But what bothered me more was the language and rhetoric. He alluded time and time again to stories of the Old Testament - a time when God was a vengeful and angry god - rather than the New Testament loving God more people choose to follow. The President used words like "liberty" and "slavery" and "tyrrany". Was this George W. Bush or Abraham Lincoln? It doesn't matter - he drew parallels between the two. He used the word freedom 27 times in the course of his speech, yet I feel like they were all directed at the rest of the world, and not at our own citizens.

Perhaps had I watched I would have felt something different, but just listening, between it's language and lack of domestic content, this speech left me feeling empty and worried. The State of the Union Address is at the end of the month - perhaps we'll get a better look at the domestic agenda then.

It's here, it's gone

About 24 hours ago, I was on the phone with a friend of mine talking about how pretty the snow was and whether he should leave work early. He did, and that's a good thing, given how quickly it piled up.

Now, 24 hours later, it's nearly all gone. The only snow left in my yard are the piles that I shoveled. The roads are clear and dry, and people are out picking up their abandoned cars. Amazing what a difference a day makes sometimes.

Wednesday, January 19, 2005

A (Not so) Lost Day

I slept in this morning, finally. Decided to do a little around the house before I ran my errands. Had I known what was coming, I would have reversed the process. Somewhere along the way, snow fell. And fell. And fell. To the point that I lost phone service intermittently, cell service was unreliable at best, and all I could do was stay home.

So I did. I watched TV, watched tapes I have that were backing up, read my book, shoveled my walk and driveway, went to the neighbor's house, walked out to the road for a better glimpse, and came back home. Spent a lot of the day lounged out on the couch, recovering from a long week and storing up rest for the weekend. But the most productive thing I did today was catch up with a friend from college.

We've been trying to connect for weeks - you could even argue "months" since he moved back here this summer and one thing or another has kept us from getting together. But thanks to the wonderful technology that is instant messaging, we were able to chat for about an hour and a half or so. Catching up, figuring out what's going on in each other's lives, carrying on at points like two, well, college kids.

Everyone talks about how great it is to get a fresh start, a clean slate if you will, but I find comfort in the familiar as well. I don't allow many people to know me very well. Call it a defense mechanism or self-preservation...that's just how it happens. The fewer people who know me, the fewer people who can hurt me. So when I find one I let in, I make every effort to keep them. Even though we haven't talked in a while, it didn't take long before we're back in step, knowing where each other is going and offering that insight that only someone who has seen your behavior patterns develop can truly offer.

In this time of upheaval, I find myself gravitating toward comfort. I've been aware that I owe it to myself to give myself a chance at happiness. But my friend, in his perennial role as "devil's advocate" also made me sit back and take stock of what that would be - someone with whom I could be myself and not put on acts or airs. Someone who allows me to explore the emotional side I've kept pent up for so long as "one of the guys." Someone willing to smile when I laugh, and willing to hang around and make me smile when I cry. Someone who allows me to be myself, whether that invovles slouching in jeans and a sweatshirt, or jazzing it all up and notices when I do.

Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Light a Candle, Say a Prayer

I'm not Catholic, but I grew up that way, and there's something comforting to me at times about the lighting of a candle and the uttering of a prayer. Today is one of those times. One year ago, I had to have my beloved pet put to sleep. I've quit listening for him when I come home, but I still miss him almost daily. It's amazing how empty my house, my life, can feel without the little fella around.

So this morning I got up early to light a candle by his picture downstairs.

Sometimes it's comfort in the little things.

Stubborn Pride

*Potential TMI Warning*

I'm tired of trying to prove that all women aren't the same. I've waited, I've never nagged, I've been patient, I supported him in everything he's wanted. So why am I now saddled with the feelings of guilt over trying to move on with my life.

Years. Not months, YEARS. That's how long I waited without even bringing up the option. Why? Because "Women nag you about the future." I didn't nag.

Years. That's how long I waited for him to file. Why? Because he was too lazy and I'm not a nag.

Years. That's how long people have said that he doesn't deserve me. Why? Because I'm not your typical woman.

Years. That's how long I've thought maybe there's something more. But I stayed because I thought that maybe, since everything else evolved with time, this would too. And it did - but in the wrong direction.

I don't believe in changing someone. If you have to change them, then do you love them, or the image of them you have all dolled up in your mind? If it's the image, that's not healthy and you're already starting out as a negative. If it's the person, then it's up to you to learn about them, grow with them, change with them, not just change them (unless, of course, you're in that rare case where they ask you to..i.e. they want to stop smoking.) .

Yet I tried to change myself to make this work. And that didn't work. And now we've done nothing but grow apart. I don't have the temper, but I did get a streak of foolish, stubborn pride. I've always taken pride in setting myself apart from others. However, it's time to admit that I'm wrong and he's right, that his theory has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. That whether we nag or not, whether we are patient or have fiery tempers, I'm just like all the rest after all.: I want a future. Keeping my word and waiting to get it is hurting like hell, though.

Monday, January 17, 2005

The Power of Fashion, Part 2

Found the dress I'm going to wear this weekend. Don't know if I'll ever have anywhere else to wear it, but ya know something, SO WHAT!

If all goes well, this will be the only time I have to wear it anyway.

Now I just have to find shoes that are tall enough to raise the hem, comfy enough to wear all night, decide on the jewelry with which I'll accessorize, and find a hair style.

Being a chick is hard work...which is why I *rarely* bother to go all out.

Leave a message at the BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP

I now know my smoke alarms will likely wake me up if there's ever a need.

About a half hour ago, I heard a beep. Just a dream, I thought, rolled back over.


No...not again. Not when I have to be up in a few hours.


Damn! Battery going dead in my smoke alarm. Problem is, all my alarms are interconnected, and there are 6 of them, and when one is dying, they all beep. So I had to figure out which one was dying on me. Of course, it's one on the 9 foot ceilings.

Back upstairs, look for a 9V, throw on some sweats, go get the ladder, climb up, change the battery, put the ladder away, and now I can't sleep.


Sunday, January 16, 2005

A Perfect Snow

I'm in the mood to write - I haven't updated this blog in days - but I don't know what to say. My last two days have been consumed by work, and I've decided NOT to talk about work on this thing. I have plenty of people I can vent to about that. Besides, a co-worker once got canned for mixing work and blog, so I'm staying as far away as humanly possible from that.

Woke up this morning to some unseasonably seasonal weather....snow. Honest to goodness flakes, and I don't mean the people I know, either. It was gorgeous, so beautiful I had to lay there in bed and just watch for a while.

A perfect snow...big fat flakes drifting lazily down out out of the low cloud cover. Each one that caught my eye lollygagging through the air on its way to an unknown destination. Its comrades in condensation clinging to every surface available, yet the unlucky few that hit the ground disintegrating on impact. It was just enough to give the world a fresh look, a sheen of white, a new start, even if only for a couple of hours. Then, by the time I had my cup of coffee in hand and had ventured out to get the newspaper, the sun raised the temperatures and the snow melted away, about as slowly as it arrived.

Quotes out of Context

"You make sure and keep your pointy projectiles to yourself"

"I love French."

"I'll take my meat on the D-L please"

Friday, January 14, 2005

Filled to the Rim

I’m driving home tonight and I have a realization. I’m full. My chest physically feels as though you couldn’t stuff another breath of air in there. And this is a good thing.

What the heck is she talking about? See, when anything takes sensory form, I try to notice and remember. I’m that person who will say things like “It smells like rain” or “it tastes like perfume.” And that includes emotions…so here goes my explanation: you know that hollow feeling, that empty pit of near despair that any goth or acoustic musician has milked for all its worth? The void that it feels as though it’s so powerful it will pull your ribs in on themselves? The occasional chill that can sometimes plunge to the depths of your being, strike your spine and send shivers up your back? Yeah – that one. We’ve all been there.

The flip side of that coin never gets any positive pub. Think for a second – when was the last time you remember having that amazing feeling of being filled to the point of overflowing. I can tell you that for me, animals can always do it to me. Give me an adorable dog who trusts me enough curl up with me, and the best I can describe it is as though my heart is not a muscle, but an actual vessel with so many good feelings in it that they just want to spill out.

Tonight, it wasn’t an animal. It was human beings. Two-legged, not furry, very conditional in their affections….people. It was enjoying myself, not allowing the drama of others to intrude on the night, letting go and feeling the moment and enjoying where I was and not wanting to be anywhere else. It was feeling secure enough in me to go out and enjoy myself, even though I’m not the most popular kid, or the best dancer. It was trusting you and just living, not thinking, not questioning, and simply basking in that hour or so.

I can’t remember he last time a person made me feel this way – maybe when the Trio landed for the first time? When I feel this way, I tend to be a little too giving, too honest, too reluctant to lose that moment. But at the same time, shouldn’t one share happiness with the people around them? Whatever your answer, I know that tomorrow it’s back to reality, but tonight, I’ll stay up a while longer, relishing this feeling. It doesn’t come around often enough to squander it.

Wednesday, January 12, 2005

My Own Worst Critic

I’ve been spending too much time alone with my thoughts lately. It’s that post-holiday return to normal letdown. That sprint from Thanksgiving to New Year’s makes it so easy to keep moving. Even if you don’t have the spirit, which I lost about halfway through December, there’s so much to do and so many places to go and people always want to get together that the holiday inertia keeps you on that keel, whatever your keel may be.
But now that wheel of energy is over, that constant insanity has ended, and I’m left alone with my thoughts far too often. I especially noticed it today. Of course, I didn’t have the healthiest response – I came home and had a beer. On an empty stomach. So now, lightweight that I am, I’m slightly buzzed, but still pissed at myself, so pardon me while I get this out.

I hate myself sometimes. Not the person that I am, but the spineless bastard who I can be. I spend all day anticipating something, only to discover I SUCK at it and can’t do what’s asked of me. Then a situation I thought I had in hand throws itself in my face and it’s not there at all.

But my biggest problem is that I’ve been in a state of self-loathing for the last day and a half over the fact that someone asked me to wait on pulling the trigger on that big decision, and I agreed to it. I don’t want to get into the details here, but it comes down to a parent asked me and I agreed. And now I hate myself. I don’t want to be in that situation. I know what I want, and I want it yesterday. But part of me is still afraid that once that happens, you’ll realize you deserve so much better and leave my ass on the curb. So I’m sitting here alone on a Saturday night, drinking far too much and extolling the virtues of spell-check so this doesn’t look too bad when I finally post it.

So what do I do? Get a glass of wine and consult one of my closest friends for advice. Someone who knows me better than most anyone on this earth. But what does he say? "Sorry, can't talk to you anymore - my girlfriend won't like it. BTW- I did tell you I'm seeing someone, didn't I?" Um, NO! Or I wouldn't have called you! At least not about this one. I respect other people's insecurities, especially when relationships are just starting, so that takes him out of the mix at a rather inopportune time.

Next step, try my
other friend just for a pick-me-up. No, she doesn't want to talk about me or my life right now, but I need a splash of her sunny disposition, 'cause I'm so far into that feeling of retreat from the world that I know this isn't good. But that was two hours ago and she hasn't called me back. Knew that would happen, but I had to try.

I'm falling apart and the only way to put it all back together looks like it is to tear it all down and start over. Maybe I should just throw myself into my work, forget this trying to be a real person shit. It's not working for me. This is one of those times I'd rather be a robot without needs cause these needs are killing me. I'm tired of wanting human makes me feel so young and immature. I'm always the strong one, and now I can't hold myself together? What's up with that? I don't like it at all, and I don't like admitting that all I want to do sometimes is curl up in a ball and bawl my eyes out. It's a side of me I don't like to indulge, much less to show others. But I'm about to lose it, or so it seems.

To recap at this point, I have one friend who can't talk to me because his current girlfriend is the jealous sort, a second with whom I have some sort of detente right now, and a third whose arms I just want to fall into and make it all go away, but can't. What the hell did I do to f-up my timing this badly?

Tuesday, January 11, 2005

A Page From Another Book

Yesterday, I posted not-so-random lyric lines from a mix cd I made.

Today, we're going back to the well that is music. A friend's blog suggested setting your MP3 player on random and writing down the first 10 songs to come out.

I did it with my computer - here's the list and two for good measure:

"Lip Service" - Elvis Costello
"Patience" - Guns 'n' Roses
"Caged Bird" - Alicia Keys
"You Don't Miss Your Water" - Marva Wright
"Fumbling Toward Ecstacy" - Sarah McLachlan
"Children of the Revolution" - Bono and Gavin Friday
"In the Still of the Night" - Jane Monheit
"Crucify" - Tori Amos
"Devil Inside" - INXS
"A Little Less Conversation" - Elvis
"Stuck in a Moment" - U2
"Green Eyes" - Coldplay

The Power of Fashion

I’ve never been one to need the latest fashion, the haute couture, or the “In” thing. But I have to say, every time I wear the outfit I had on today, I feel the power of fashion.

First, the outfit: White blouse, slightly fitted but not totally. Black watch plaid skirt that stops just above the knee and is actually almost too big (Ok – were it not for my hips, it would fall off, but it’s an absolute favorite of mine, so even though you’ve helped me shrink, I still wear it). Suede boots to the knee with a high heel, and a matching hat.

I woke up this morning and after the oh-so-crappy day I had yesterday, felt like displaying a little attitude, so out came the “Sassy” outfit. Put it on, was comfy, so I went to work.

Before I even got in the door, I had compliments. Women saying they loved the boots, men saying they loved the whole ensemble. My former boss told me I looked, and I quote, “electric and fabulous” and asked where his wife could find the shoes. A person far above me on the totem pole stopped by my desk quite a few times to compliment me today, even asked if there were anything I needed done. My boss called me “sassy” (hence the name for the outfit). And the HeadHoncho, who I don’t even think knows my name, not only stopped by my desk to say hello, he CHATTED. This man does not know the meaning of the words small talk. Not a bad thing, just interesting to know I even popped up on his radar screen.

The feeling was insane! I took time to think about it, and let me say, there’s a lot of analysis that could be done there. Does one command respect not based on one’s abilities, but based on one’s outward appearance? Do men have more respect for a woman who finds a way t be both competent AND sensual (I won’t go so far as to say sexy – to me that’s a subjective term & I can’t speak for them)? Did I appear more assured today, or did the person IN the outfit have anything at all to do with the equation? Do women find that combination more imposing as well?

No matter what the reason, it’s energizing. I felt so much more confident today – I don’t know if that’s because I knew all eyes were on me and I had to live up to the expectations, or because I knew I had the attention and it freed me to be less mousy. Either way, I found myself striding instead of walking, talking instead of muttering, defending instead of demurring. And wishing you could see me, the whole package, on this day.

Don’t worry – I took a picture.

Monday, January 10, 2005

La Poesie de la Musique

When you stop seeing beauty you start growing old.
The lines on your face are a map to your soul.
I've never felt this way.
How do you give me so much pleasure?
And cause me so much pain?
When I look to the sky,
Something tells me you're here with me,
And you make everything alright.
With you I can spread my wings.
There and then all my dreams will come true.
And just as you find me, always I will be
'neath the cover of October skies.
Let me take some of the punches for you tonight.
Listen to me now.
I need to let you know.
You don't have to go it alone.
I knew you before the fall of Rome,
The only one who could ever reach me.
Learnin' from each other's knowin'
I can feel myself slippin'
Cause we got it together, didn't we?
The answers to it all aren't here,
But together we can find them
Or have a great time trying along the way.

You've found me

Congratulations - you're the only person who knows this little corner of the web belongs to me. Well, I think I do have one loyal anonymous reader, someone who stumbled onto what I've written and comes back to check in from time to time.

I gave you the address...I won't change what I have to say or edit any of these posts (other than this one now that I'm back at home) if you have questions, feel free to ask. I only wish I had a more balanced "me" to show you.

I figured you've invited me to read your musings, and you're an inspiation for my words, so you shouldn't have to stumble onto this as a "straggler." Again with the whole head verus instinct thing. I find nothing wrong with letting you know what you mean to me. I only hope it's not too much too soon, or too late.

Again, welcome. You know who you are, and I'm quite glad I know you.

Democracy Inaction

Can you believe this?

Okay- that's a rhetorical question - of course you can...this is, after all, as Jon Stewart so poignantly reminds us, a democracy. Regardless of how efficiently, or inefficiently, it operates.

For those who haven't clicked on the link, public libraries in parts of Mississippi have banned Jon Stewart's book "
America: A Citizen's Guide to Democracy Inaction."

This truly bothers me. I could find some kernel of understanding if a SCHOOL library chose to take it off the shelves, but only a KERNEL. These are public libraries. The same institutions charged with making information and ideas available to the populace at large. I'm sorry, but show me where in the librarian's code of ethics that says "except when there's an off-color joke or photograph." If that's the case, we'd better get rid of National Geographic. And the Starr Report. And forget half the biography section....And most of those Oprah selections that brought people back to the libraries to begin with! Because it's all about sanitizing the life experience these days.

Again, if this is life, I think I'll go live in my own little world. At least it makes sense.

Sunday, January 09, 2005

The Occasional Dash of Whimsy

Hey - even a blog dedicated to allowing me to retain some semblance of sanity has to have fun every once in a while, right?

Tonight, that's what I did. Went out after work to hear a band I'd never heard before play songs I hadn't heard and danced with people I ... well, okay, that's where the adventure ends. I knew all the people I danced with. After all, it was a rock club. It was actually an odd little convergence of my professional life and my personal life, as two of my co-workers were there as well. Not that there's anything wrong with that.

But it was fun to dance and party and be looney. I haven't had that much fun at a regular ol' club since probably the night of the infamous table for three, but that may not even count since I knew the guy playing.

At least I'm feeling a lot better than I was last night, and I didn't have to listen to another night of bitching and moaning. All in all, a night well spent.

Saturday, January 08, 2005

How you do what you do

I'd really like to know. I don't sleep well, I barely eat, I don't drink - what's going on? How did you get such a hold on me? How did I let you in so easily?

I'm debating whether to give you the address to this, to see if you have answers. I wouldn't hesitate if it had my earlier posts. A wittier me, a less-obsessive, more well-rounded me. But now I've adapted so this is my outlet, and the rest of me is devoted to presenting a positive spin to the world once again.

It's not deception, just compartmentalizing my world view ;)

Friday, January 07, 2005

Talk about customer service!

It's the ongoing saga of the mattress. For those of you just tuning in, I bought a new mattress as a Christmas present for myself. Today, when I signed for it, the owner of the shop asked how I liked it.

"Very Comfortable," I said. "I'm quite happy with it."

"And your husband? What does he think?" asked the owner.

I snapped. I'm sick of those questions, those assumptions, and this poor mobster wannabe caught the brunt of it.

I believe what I said was something to the effect of : "I don't have one, but I'm sure, when I eventually do, he'll enjoy it as well!"

The dude looked a little stung, but started trying to joke it off.

Fast forward a few cell rings. It's the owner asking if he could take me out to lunch to apologize for his assumptions. Wow! I guess the customer IS always right.

Will I go? Who knows. I let him off the hook on the phone, but maybe I'll go anyway. Ease back into social discourse and what not.

1, 2, ___, 4, 5, 6

That's what my mix CD is going to look like in a few more weeks. No track 3, because I keep listening to it all the time. The song got stuck in my head more than a month ago, so I downloaded a copy. But now I don't want to get it out of my head because it makes me think of you.

I really am unsure why that is. Perhaps because October is one of my favorite months, or that the song is simply so romantic. Either way, it's in my head. Just as you are.

But there's more - sometimes I hear it and it makes me euphorically happy, smiling and ready to face whatever's next. Other times, mostly at night, I'm more melancholy. Those are usually the nights I've spent curled up with a CD player and tissues.

So why do I hesitate? Just as I deserve a chance at happily ever after, you deserve more as well. Mostly because I need to know I've done it for me, and no one else. So that if/when you decide however long down the line that I'm not the one for you, I don't look back with regrets.

You make me feel safe. I want to bury my head in your shoulder and myself in your arms and just exist, hold and be held and let that be enough. Yet then I think, you deserve a whole person, not someone who's still putting herself together. Or perhaps you're like me in that respect as well - doing better and feeling more comfortable in the role of the fixer and listener than as the one who needs to be held and be heard. And I'm tired of being everyone's superglue.

But to get back to that mix CD - I pulled that one over and one or two others, and let the computer fill the rest, and it's an interesting collection. Alicia Keys, Train, Elvis, Los Lonely Boys, G'n'R...all unknowingly with some comment to make. You should try doing that sometime. Could lend a little to the argument of sentient technology.

Thursday, January 06, 2005

What's in a Day?

In the last hour I've received two apologies from friends for the way they've acted in the last week. One by email, one by phone. No, the manner of transmission doesn't cheapen the sentiment in my eyes...It's simply making me think.

What is it about the holidays that makes people either giddy or griping? At my age, I've noticed that by New Year's, most everyone is ready to trade the festivities for some semblance of normalcy again. I think that's because of the protracted amount of time spent plunged into the family environment once again.

Everyone is someone's child, and at no time is that more prominent than at Christmas, when parents are fighting over who you'll see and where you'll go and what you'll do when you get there and how long you'll spend with them and whose sweater you'll wear to dinner and....I'm getting off track. No Christmas (or Hanukkah, or Kwaanza or what have you) can compare to the magical days spent when you're a kid, setting out cookies for Santa and singing carols with your family and seeing everyone in one place, or whatever your family tradition is/was. But every December 24th through December as-late-as-you'll-allow-them-to try, parents try to do just that. Even parents become children again, which can be interesting to watch as an outside observer, or a precocious child involved in the struggle.

But I digress. So all of us well-adjusted (or seemingly so) adults do what we're "supposed" to do and jet/drive off to the family homestead for days of baking and eating and forced family that end up driving us nuts by the time it's over. Then, when we come home, the new year is upon us and there's all that pressure to change something just because it's a new year. I've actually quit making New Year's Resolutions....why should one day of the year be THAT remarkably different from any other. If that's your only logic, why not make a change on the first of every month? Or every Monday for that matter? I've only kept one NYR in my life, and that was one that had more to do with my outlook on life than being time specific.*

So where was I? Oh, yes...all these well-adjusted adults, fresh off a solid month of binging and gorging and drinking and partying feel this pressure to change themselves in some way. So they flail out at the world, not always choosing something good to change. Which brings me back to the topic - my friends' apologies.

One of them apologized for a specific incident, the other for a general malaise. So while it's great to know I'm not losing one of the people who knows me better than anyone in this world, the change that led us into this situation (vis-a-vis 2005) is still a frustrating one at best. I support her and stand by her and hope she'll do the same for me.

At the same time, if this is the way most people live their lives, I'm tempted to return to my logical ways.

*Footnote: And if you've read this far to find it, that resolution was to appreciate people more, not only in my mind, but outwardly with words and with actions. It's the only resolution I've ever kept.

All Things Dunkin' Donuts: The Hole Behind Dunkin� Donuts

All Things Dunkin' Donuts: The Hole Behind Dunkin� Donuts

Reading along on the net today, I found this. Stories like this never fail to make me pause and wonder about the way life plays out.

Wednesday, January 05, 2005

...In with the New

The bed finally arrived, and WOW, talk about comfortable! I just spent that last half hour stretched out on it while on the phone and it was so comfy I didn't want to get up.

Of course, part of that can be attributed to the person on the other end of the phone as well.

The great thing about a blog like this is that no one knows I write it...and that includes you. So here I can tell you the things I don't know how to say to your face. You're teaching me a new kind of dance - one in which I don't know the steps, so I'm letting you lead, and relinquishing control is not a simple thing for me. It's your superpower though...leading someone through the steps of a quick and complex pattern they didn't know how to do before.

When I lead, I lead with the head. Logic decides where I'm going, what I'm doing next. This time, I'm trying something new: following my instincts. It's hard for someone like me who is accustomed to getting all the facts and looking for more. Who was it that said, "If your mother tells you she loves you, check it out!"? That's me, checking it out, and that's what has cost me in time and in friends. And in self-respect. I'm taking so long to execute a decision already made, I can't seem to do it.

When you lead, you're leading with the entire body. Your hands tell me where to go, your feet move out of the way of mine when I mis-step. Your words are always the right thing to say at just the right moment. And your mind is open. It's an all encompassing feeling of even if we're going there wrong, you're still with me. Perhaps all that is why I'm willing to listen with more than my ears, more than my logic, but with my instincts, my heart, my being.

I had coffee with a friend tonight who said it's obvious you and I have a chemistry that hasn't been seen in a very long time. I wonder if that's right. If that's what it's supposed to be. If we are "meant" to be. Or are we just inexorably and inexplicably drawn to each other. I've heard it said that people get into relationships because they meet someone just as emotionally dysfunctional as they are in the same aspects they are. From that point, it's a question of do they grow together, or do they stunt each other's growth?

I don't have the answers....but I want to find out.

Cable guy!

After this long, they may as well be the cable guy. Whatever happened to "We'll call in the morning and give you a 2 hours window."? All I know is that I'm "on the truck" and I only found that out by calling them.


Out with the old...

It's coming. I finally broke down ad bought myself a new mattress. Seeing as how the old one is lumpy and hard, it was time. Now I just have to get the spare bedroom cleaned out so I can move the old one into there by the time the truck gets here!

So why am I online? One word - procrastination!

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Timing. It's all about the timing.

Timing is something I can't quite seem to get right. All day, I've been in the mood to write something. Anything, just to get my feelings out and onto paper. But I've been at work, cooped up behind a keyboard and monitor, and doing my damndest to stifle any creative urge I may have until I got home.

But on the way home, I broke down. Started crying right there in the car. Something tells me that ranks right there below trying to change a CD and talking on a cell phone without a hands-free on the scale of what NOT to do in order to drive safely. I did it anyway. And now, I can't seem to muster that same sense of melancholy that I had all day. Normally, I wouldn't complain, but that seems to be dogging me everywhere I go of late, and I want to shake it, so perhaps by writing about it I can do so. But it looks like no luck in that department tonight.

Instead I suppose I'll set up some of the rantings and ravings you'll find here. I'm in the midst of making a rather large life decision. May not be so big to some, and it definately pales in comparison to many, so I don't impose myself on too many people. But the small handful of people to whom I do speak think the decision is a no brainer and therefore don't want to hear anything else about it.

Problem is, I think so too. I just can't muster the courage to make that final slice. To cut free of what I know is holding me back and move forward, into the uncharted unknown. I'm just too safe sometimes, and this time it's hurting me. Hurting me even more that I'm not only losing my touchstone, but my best friends as well until I make this happen.

Yeah, yeah, I know - if they're pushing me, they're not my friends. But they are. Consider this an intervention, except the addiction isn't chemical. Or spiritual. It's purely mental, and they can see that I need the break. When I step back, even I can see that I need the break, but when I step back into my own shoes, I haven't the courage to do it. That's what I'm working on right now. Courage to slice my life in two and feel the pain that's bound to come from it. Now if only I had an assurance that I could pick up the pieces.


It's 2 in the morning and I've finally found a username and blog address that aren't taken. They aren't my first choice, or even my 21st...they're just words from a song I've been listening to over and over. So here's hoping I can remember them.

There's more to come when I get more sleep. But for now, here's the deal. A blog, inspired by others, that doesn't talk about my work. It's a hard task, but I want this to be a place to drop ideas, pose rhetorical questions, the works. It's also a place to sort through all that crap that's floating around in my head without driving my friends bonkers.

Wish me luck.