A Day of Randomness Inside My Head

I've spent far too much time inside my own head lately, and I'm not expecting miracles in terms of getting pulled out of it. So instead I thought I'd offer up a few of the random snippets that cross my mind over the course of a day that break up the monotony. Carried a pen and paper today and jotted down a few:

When I talk to my cat, I call her "Kit-ums" sometime. Not that that is anywhere close to her name. Where the heck does that come from?

What does it say when pet-names for pets are weirder than pet names for people?

It bothers me that there's a digital clock in the new sign for the cemetery down the street. There should be no concept of time in a cemetery, and if there is a clock, go old-school analog.

Double-click. It's a simple concept. Think you can try it?

Hmmm... how much more advanced would civilization be if people actually read an entire 2 paragraph email before firing off knee-jerk questions that are answered in the second paragraph?

And how smart-alecky would I sound if I pointed that out?

And those were just before 10 a-m. I'll snark a little more later...

Green-Eyed Monster, Defined

So at the risk of sounding stupid, I've decided to blog about a lesson that smacked me upside the head in the wee hours of the morning, and turned in my head all night. I've been working a swing shift, and am sleep deprived as a result, which means I'm not in my wittiest of moods. Please forgive.

The word of the night, is Jealousy. That green-eyed monster that we're all supposed to keep in check. Well, he and I had a conversation and I've come to realize, I had him all wrong. Yeah, he's still a monster, but he has his softer spots, and can actually lend a helping hand every once in a while. Just don't depend on him, because then he'll get you into ALL sorts of trouble!

Jealousy and I struck up a chat, complete with all the cursory pleasantries. Then we got to "where are ya from." I had always thought Jealousy came from the state of Mistrust. In the past, acknowledging his existance was an insult both to my character and to my loved one's. It said to me that there was something inherently wrong in either him or me that I didn't trust him, and that true love trusts. It also said that I didn't trust myself. All are deal-breakers for me in a relationship, so therefore, Jealousy and I never got acquainted - I always showed him the door.

I was all wrong.

Jealousy is not an offshoot of how little or how much you trust someone else. Jealousy comes from Fear. Fear of losing something - a connection, a love, a friendship, a position. I've never felt been jealous because I've thought I was trusting people to make good choices. Now, it appears that actually, I was either not invested enough to care about their choices even had they made bad ones, or I was too naive to image they would make a choice at opposition to what I would choose.

Recently, it's the naivety that had gotten me in trouble - I never imagined that someone I was so in step with would choose to do something so blatantly outside of our path. It never occurred to me that if we were walking in step he would question our stride and destination, and walk away on his own. But he did. And all of a sudden, I find myself looking into some very unfamiliar green eyes.

Now that I've found the source of it, I feel a little better about it. It's also given me a direction to take, so that I don't feel as helpless. Just an interesting conversation with our good friend Jay. One I felt like sharing, and you got to be the guinea pigs since you can click away at any time.... :)

Even the Stars Are Right Sometimes

I have a friend with whom I email frequently at work. We keep each other grounded, awake, and cognizant of the fact that life goes on.

One of the things we do is trade horoscopes, then analyze just how right on, or how off-beat they are for our lives that particular day. We've found The Washington Post to have horoscopes that are a little less vague than most, a little longer, and full of discussion fodder. I don't usually look on the weekends, but today I was killing time and decided to take a peek.

Libra September 23 - October 22
For Saturday, July 12 -The problems of other
people don't interest you too much, right now, and even juicy gossip won't
thrill you the way it used to. Right now you're much more self-involved, which
is quite a switch for you. You've been putting the needs and wishes of other
people before your own for too long, and today your mind wants to find a
balance. Don't you deserve to be a bit selfish once in a while? You don't have
to ignore a friend's call, but you can feel free to let it go to voice mail.

Hmmm.... that's about as square on as a horoscope gets. I'm always there for my friends if they need me, but lately, I've been trying to take more time for myself. The only thing is, there's one person who trumps it all, and he's pushed me to the side. So I'm trying to find that balance with him, and within myself. I've been trying to convince myself that selfish is OK from time to time, especially when it involves telling him what I want instead of asking what's good for him.

But today, I know he needs something. And I want that something to be me. I want to ease his pain, to help him sleep, to take away the mental games and help him be the man I know him to be, the man he's allowed others to beat into a corner of his personality. For me, somewhat, but mostly for him.

And I tangent. Point being, I have been being a little more selfish lately and it's freed up more of me to give to him. And more of me to cry when he refuses me, but I'll keep trying.

Random Thoughts

Can I just say it feels so good to sit down at a computer and NOT be sending out auction solicitation letters! I should be writing more emails, but instead, I'm typing with one hand and petting the cat with the other. Meow!

Anyway, a few more random observances from the last few days, since i don't have the wherewithal to come up with a coherent post....

• There's nothing quite like coming home to a kitty cat who thinks she's a dog. Meets you at the door, then is small enough to crawl into your lap.
• The problem with ballet? It goes on about a half hour longer than it should. Just when the story ends, there's always a party or some other reason for people to do about 20 minutes worth of alternating solos!
• My cat and I are far too much alike.
• My car and I are far too much alike, too.
• It's been 10+ years since I've done the dating thing - no wonder I'm no good at it!
• I don't even want to do the dating around thing - I just have to find the way to tell one person that he's it.
• I'm way tired of being that strong woman who does everything alone. I did that even when I was in a relationship... it's wearing really thin.
• Fur therapy is awesome!

Barenaked Ladies, This One's For You

No, not porn stars.... the wacky Canadian group. You know, BNL... "If I had a million dollars..."

In honor of Tax Day here in America, a sentence for you to finish:

If I won the lottery, I would . . .

I'll start:

If I won the lottery, I would work until I knew what I was going to do with the money. I would travel for a year, and bring friends with me who would appreciate where we were going and enjoy what we saw. I would go to law school. I would set aside money for my kids for college (even though I don't have them yet). I would buy myself an historic home and renovate it. I would buy season tickets to all the local theater groups.

See... I think small. And you?

This is a Test....

This is a test. This is only a test of the Emergency Blogging System. Were this an actual blogging, the ton....

What?

This is a real post?

Damn!

Ok, ok, ok... I'm back. Back by popular demand in the true sense of popular, cause there weren't THAT many people clamoring for my return, but those who were, are damn persuasive!

In the time we've been apart, dear readers, life has taken a few twists and turns and careened around more than a few corners. Even so, we're still here. You, me, the blogosphere. It's all still here, as much as there are times we wish it all away. As much as there are times we want to close our eyes and wake up in someone else's life. It, and we, are still here.

That said, I managed to distill some thoughts from the swirly morass that substitutes for my brain at times.

Ever looked at a skein of yarn? See all the different layers and twists, but if you pull from the wrong spot, it creates tension, and you can't separate the parts as they collapse on themselves and tie themselves in knots. However, find the one true strand and pull one of the ends, and voila, it all separates like it was intended to, and can be fashioned into whatsoever you please, and it can be done as you go instead of having to pull it all, untie it, and then begin your work.

I haven't found my "true end" yet, but I'm getting very close - and have a great idea of what it looks like. In the end, I'm a simple person, one who is looking for a few things, but things that are quite important to me:

I need love, but I'm not willing to ask for it. I need someone who loves as I do - giving, and considerate as a baseline, not as a tool by which to impress. He has it.

I desire respect, and I'm willing to earn it. Work to gain it, and work to keep it. I will not take it for granted.

I want to be challenged, and I'm willing to seek that out. Wherever it takes me. I can always turn it down, but it's not my decision to make if I don't go after it to start with.

I want to live, not by someone else's rules, but by my own. And if that means I'm an eccentric who turns into a fuddy duddy on certain topics, sobeit.

So why, then, do I find myself constantly drawn to those men and women who don't allow me to live this way? And how long until the one who does let me, will be in a position to let me.?

End of test. We now return you to your regularly scheduled blog-reading.

So long, 2007

Should auld acquaintance be forgot.....

Less than 24 hours are left in 2007 at this point, and they can't pass quickly enough. Usually, I don't make New Year's Resolutions because I don't see the difference between making a change on one day or another. I don't put much stock in life changing because a clock chimed midnight. However, this year, I'm so desperate that I'll take anything.

2007 has tried to wrench every last drop of life out of me, and it's made quite the run. I've dealt with the bulk of it offline.... most of it personal enough, cuts that swipe so deep that I don't even have the desire to try and disguise them for the purposes of a blog. But I can sum it up in a few words. Tonight, I sit alone typing this in my house. A series of choices have put me here, and I know that. I'm just not happy with it, and the choices I've made to try to change that have left me even more alone. That, however, is another dissertation for another post.

That said, here's 2007 by the numbers:

2 - very important people in my life who moved away. And by moved away, I mean beyond week-end roadtrip distance.

5 - couples who got engaged

1 - amazingly fun wedding

1 - amazingly random wedding

4 - cupcakes that led to an awesome friendship

6 (at least) - fantabulous people to whom I've grown closer than I ever realized, and whom I should thank for helping me keep my sanity

2 - rooms repainted in my house as I searched for that sanity

25 - pairs of shoes now in my new organizer

3 - days it took me to clean out the two upstairs bedrooms so that I could have people over again

10 - out of town destinations I hit this year... I think.... destinations only, not states I flew over on the way

10 + the District - states I drove through in a U-Haul getting my friend to her new job

3 - days I spent in NYC trying to see an art exhibit that wasn't meant to be.

3 - hours spent at an amazing art exhibit here at home

1 - dance weekend organized

1 - family member's passing

3 - funerals attended

2 - jobs I still work

1 - Christmas ever spent alone in my lifetime, and this was it

1 - Midnight kiss I won't get on New Years Eve.

so many I can't count:

• unsolicited rude comments from strangers
• people who think they can run my life better than I can
• broken heart moments
• bad dreams
• sleepless nights
• pictures taken
• memories made
• memories relived
• hours spent trying to unravel my thoughts from their Gordian knot into a straight piece of mental twine

And

1 - person who made it all worth it

1 - person I want to spend next New Year's Eve with

So long, 2007. Here's to a better year ahead for all. Salute!

80s Video Game Deathmatch

Now that I have your attention...

We all have our own analogies for life. Life is like a garden... an airplane....a busy highway...a shopping mall. Driving home tonight, I came up with a new one. Life is like....a 1980s video arcade.

Think about it...

Sometimes, life is Ms Pac Man - day after day, eating the dots, doing what's expected and avoiding the trouble that's on your tail. However, every once in a while (4 times per board), you get the chance to turn on those who chase you, have your shining moment in the sun, and get your revenge before you move back on, eating the dot dot dot dot dot dot dot.


Sometimes, life is Donkey Kong - You climb the ladder, only to find out it doesn't take you where you want to be. So you shift lanes/patterns/paths/ideas and climb another, to find something coming right at you when you get there. And every once in a while, just when you think you've got the bait and switch routine down pat, the Universe throws a temper tantrum and stomps on your plans, shifting them all in a domino fashion and you begin again from round one.

Sometimes, life is Galaga - you have all the fire power you want, but you can only move in one plane, while the forces acting against you can move in two. It takes some artful moves to survive those days.

Sometimes, life is Jungle Hunt - You're swinging, back and forth, over the pitfalls. One false move and *chomp* you're dinner! Then you get on solid ground, only to have boulders come hurling themselves at you to trip you up. The decision being....jump? Or Crouch?

Sometimes life is Frogger - well . . . there's no comparison needed there. Life really *is* Frogger!

Sometimes life is Double Dragon - you and a trusted companion versus the world. Times you can defeat all comers, and at times, the world gets you.

Right now, my work life is Ms Pac Man and my personal life is Jungle Hunt. What did I leave out? And what is yours?

What's your sign?

I'm a Libra, but my honest answer would have to be, "Yield." I've always given in to other people's desires, and two have held a particular amount of sway. If you read the previous post, you know that they're both gone.

My best friend has moved to a town 800 miles from door to door, a town whose name has as many vowels as it does consonants. She's the one that believes in signs, but I tell ya, after the last three days, it may be rubbing off on me a bit too.

Sunday, I had no more gotten in my car at the airport, than my cell phone rings. A friend of mine who NEVER calls me, wanting to watch a movie and drink some wine. I declined, having just gotten into town and all. Then I went to the grocery store, where I ran into three people I knew (and no, they weren't all together). I NEVER run into anyone I know at the store. Period!

Monday afternoon, an old friend came back into my life unexpectedly. Mark, the man about whom I blogged this randomness a few years back, works for a company that supports a program I use at work. So he ended up transferred to my extension. The conversation was brief and professional, but there's still that extra flash of thinking I'd never hear from him again. Then I came home, and a cat tried to adopt me, a black one at that. I have a certain affinity for black animals, mostly because I know the superstition still runs deep in these parts.

Today, the little things continued to add up. An evening at trivia with a new friend....coffee with two more where I unexpectedly ran into yet another.... This means one of two things..

1) The universe is pinging me over the head to say "You'll be okay...trust me" (And if that's the case, then maybe we really ARE someone's version of SIMS, as suggested in The Times this morning....)

or

2) I should have called this post "I NEVER..."

Since I'd have to both change the title AND alter the first paragraph of this post if that were the case, I think I'm forced to choose #1.

Things I Noticed This Weekend

I don't think that I ever have to worry about becoming an alcoholic. I'm a social drinker, and I will have a drink when I'm home if I feel like I'm in the mood for that flavor. But this weekend, I noticed that the worse things get, the less likely I am to want to touch alcohol. I have yet to go on what a friend of mine calls "The Breakup Bender" and the same bottle of wine has been in my refrigerator for weeks now.

*******************************

That said, Mango Vodka is too sweet, unless it's had from the freezer with Tom Collins mix.

*******************************

I went to my first Jewish wedding this weekend. Although I didn't understand everything (obviously), one thing I really did like was that the couple spent 95% of the ceremony facing those who had come to see them get married. I think I know where it comes from - the bigger emphasis on community versus the closed doors of the family unit - but there's something I like about embracing the community versus standing with your back to the people you've invited to share this special moment.

To me, if they're important enough to share the moment, they shouldn't be looking at her veil and his hair. It's only through the support of others when times get rough that you get through the rough times. So that was an aspect that just struck me.

*******************************

I can't tell if my dancing is getting better or worse. Or maybe it's just that I danced with different people and therefore taxed different elements of my abilities. Who knows.

*******************************

If you ever dance with me, don't try to lead with my hair!

*******************************

If we call raw fish, sushi...what do sharks call raw humans?

*******************************

Caveat - since we call sushi after the rice and not the fish, what would we have to be wrapped in for sharks to have a name for raw humans?

*******************************

I could BATHE in sunscreen and it wouldn't be enough. There will always be one spot that gets scorched - at least on a person with my complexion.

*******************************

Karaoke is even better in large groups. Sometimes it doesn't even need music...just a handful of people who can't get a song out of their head.

A Clean Sweep

Sometimes I hate to admit Mom was right. It's just part of being human..but this is one of those times I have to tip my hat. Or in this case, my glass.

It amazes me, the calming effect a clean house can have...

The last few months have been ones of absolute upheaval in my life. Topsy-turvy craziness ruled my mind, and my actions, and by extension, my house. Bills got paid, then piled...rather than filed. Clothes cluttered nooks and crannies. Crafts took over the living room, because the kitchen table had been consumed by that notorious paper tiger.

Finally, I'd had enough. That's it! I started with the front door – installed a new one. Most people spent Memorial Day weekend by the lake or the pool. I spent it taming that tiger. The next weekend, I tackled the kitchen. Cleared the counters, the cabinets, the top of the fridge, you name it. Top to bottom clean. Bathrooms too – all three of ‘em.

Next – the living room. Furniture moved, crafts put away...I’ve bought organizational aids and a DVD tower to make it all have a place. And voila...a home uncluttered is a home rediscovered. I was quite embarrassed by the appearance of my home and my state of mind. No one had come over in months. In the last few weeks, I’ve had a dinner party, people over for drinks, and for conversation. It’s just nice! And calming – I don’t feel anxiety crawl up my spine every time I walk in the house anymore. A liberating feeling!

One floor down, one to go. The upstairs still needs lots of work. I’m going through my closet right now, making donations to Goodwill and Salvation Army. Then I’ll tackle the rest of the room. And the computer room, well, I need a shredder and a WEEK to get that taken care of. But I’ll start where I can and go from there. After all, That’s a door I can close.

So here’s to Mom. You were right – a clean house IS more important that I ever gave it credit for. But I draw the line at your old tricks of covering the bed in a project that needs completion. After all, I need SOMETHING to call my own way of doing things!

Eureka!

Driving home tonight, I came to a rather odd realization. I think I understand a little more why someone would have a (sober) one-night stand.

When you're drunk, it's one thing. The objective is purely to obtain some part of a member of the opposite sex - his phone number, his tie, his jacket, et cetera. The physical things paired with alcohol - well, we all know what road that travels down. But I'm sober. So where does that leave me?

Tonight, I just didn't want to come home alone. I just didn't want to walk into an empty house and sleep in an empty bed. I've never had the luxury of companionship when we were dating. Yes, a twisted thing, but I was ok with it...I think because I knew it was my choice not to be held or rescued or saved...because I knew it just wasn't right. But now, as times get hard, I don't want to be here alone.

For some people, that need is stronger than for others, and the greater the need, the greater the measures it takes to fill it. My needs are simply cravings...I don't want the sex. I don't want a stranger. However, tonight I would gladly trade emotional strength and pride for comfort. That said, I won't do it, and I'll sleep alone.

Good night

Contradiction of Terms

Spotted this license plate in my rear-view mirror on the way to work this morning:

Save the Earth.

The vehicle sporting it?

An H2

People kill me!

Dentyne-isms

I rarely buy gum, but I picked up three packs of Dentyne for a friend yesterday. They have these awesome little sayings on the backs....Dentyne-isms. I can't seem to find a website for them, so pardon me if I get this wrong, but one of them hit the nail on the head....

Dentyne-ism #19: Don't date anyone who says they "need to be selfish right now."

Once again...Words of Wisdom from a bubble gum wrapper.

Did you know...

Today is Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day? Yeppers - a day to remember the crazy songs with titles that make your eyes and ears do a double take. A few of my favorites (and yes, I listened to most of these growing up)

"I'm Gonna Hire a Wino to Decorate Our Home"
"Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goalpost Of Life"
"You're the Reason Our Kids Are Ugly."
"At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump"

and one of my dad's favorites from the early 80s...

"Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissin' You Goodbye"

Here...peruse this list and get a few faves of your own :)

Nothing...just babbling

It's late and I really should be heading off to bed right now. Problem is, I want to write. Despite all the obstacles, the mental blocks, the timing, the everything that should be telling me no, I still want to write. And yet, I have nothing to say.

Maybe that's why I want to write...I want what I can't have. There seems to be a lot of that in my life lately as well, or at least in my mind. Things I don't even allow myself to want, except in the dead of night. When all the lights are off and the house falls silent. In those moments where you teeter between wakefulness and sleep, when the body relaxes and the mind tenses. Those are the moments when my psyche carries off into a world of its own creation, abandoning the constraints of the daily grind and flirting with the possibilities seen only by the mind's eye.

Sorry - I've been quite introspective of late, with my mind's eye quite often turning inward to examine myself. Pondering questions for which I think I will never receive an answer...second guessing my decisions and looking for reasons why to questions whose only answer can be, "because." In my waking hours, I convince myself that "because" is more than enough, for while the unravelling of the yarn is both fun and revealing, to figure out a definitive answer would take some of the magic out of it all.

That said, nothing has stopped me from peeling back the layers and searching for the greater why...how that which appears to contradict itself could, in reality, not only co-exist, but even thrive in a symbiosis that only proves life is not as it appears to be. Yet, as the ideal and the reality are in direct conflict with each other, I find myself in a state of utter confusion much of the time.

In case of confusion, break glass. I've broken it. Now what?

Now, I go to bed. You can tell it's been a while since I've tried to just write off the top of my head. Either that, or I just have too much on my mind right now. Too many conversations unspoken out of fear or respect or intimidation. Maybe if I do a few more of these I'll get my words to fall in place a little easier. Right now, it feels like I'm herding cats.

Happy Holiday Shopping

A random couple of musings tonight, cause I don't have the brain power to cobble together anything coherent!

1) What on earth is wrong with me this year? I know I've been sick, but still! I usually enjoy the hunt that is Christmas shopping. The thought that goes into finding just the right gift....the surgical strike of going to the store, getting it, and getting out while the other crazies browse and ponder and call home to question every little decision.... This year, not so much. I find myself wandering aisles of tried and true retail friends, looking for the perfect gift to bonk me on the head. When really, my head just isn't in the game.

2) Went out dancing the other night. Very little is quite as disturbing as hearing a 60+ year old man dancing with you mis-sing the lyrics of "I'll take you there" by the Staple Singers as "I'll take you to bed"...

3) And little is as comforting as knowing you belong with someone. Even in as small a way as a dance. I took the floor with a very good dancer I know, and three steps into the dance, he dips me all the way to the floor. A move that soon, before partners are in sync...that's silly, and can even be dangerous, depending on who your partner is. But this man is strong and good. When I was on my feet again I laughed and said, "Wow, wasn't that a little soon?" He simply said, "Not with you. You always follow me....and I always catch you. Regardless. You get me. So no, not too soon." It's nice to belong somewhere, even for a split second.

Gobble Gobble

Hope everyone had a great Thanksgiving, and that the travel to and from home wasn't too daunting. Most of all, I hope you had the chance to indulge your family traditions.

In my house, we really don't have a traditional Thanksgiving. We opt for Black Friday instead. Some years I cook, some years Mom does, some years we eat out. Some years we go to the mountains, some years we go to the beach, some years we don't travel at all, but the pattern remains the same: every year Mom flips through the ads and lays out the game plan Thursday night. Friday morning she bribes me with a cup of coffee when she comes to wake me at 4 am (after I've already reached over and turned off the alarm clock totally) and we're on the road.

We stop for a second cup of coffee at the mall about two hours into the excursion. This after she's purchased some Doorbuster or Early Bird special for Dad and my grandparents. This is also about when my brain starts to function. We hit the other stores in the mall with specials, then we start driving to the outlying towns. A boutique in this burb, a depot in that downtown...all to get ideas for what I want for Christmas before I leave to return to my house and they go back home, or return to life as normal.

Ah, the comfort of tradition.

They miss me!

Wow - you guys really do miss me!

I'm sorry to have been gone so long....quite a few things piling up in life that needed addressing and many that still do. but since two of you have written me in the last 24 hours looking for me, I promise I'll try to do better this time.

So we begin with a heavy hitter - questions with no answers that have occurred to me in the last 24 hours.

Where has human kindness gone?

Why did the chicken cross the road, anyway?

Who is John Galt?

Why is it the ones you love are never the ones you're with?

And the question that occurred to me this evening - Do you ever look in the mirror and feel that you know the person staring back? That he or she is someone your age...your experience...your life? Or is there always that slight disconnect between who you feel you are and who you feel is looking back at you?

Yep - I'm back! Talk amongst yourselves..time to go get a glass of wine and read my book.

Talk about a smartphone!

I learned a new word tonight!

My cell phone has the feature to fill in the rest of the word once it thinks it knows what you're trying to say. So I'm trying to type in "Neon." I get to the N-e-o, and the phone fills in "neologism"

What on earth????!?!?!?

ne ol o gism–noun
1. a new word, meaning, usage, or phrase.
2. the introduction or use of new words or new senses of existing words.
3. a new doctrine, esp. a new interpretation of sacred writings.
4. Psychiatry. a new word, often consisting of a combination of other words, that is understood only by the speaker: occurring most often in the speech of schizophrenics.

Thank you, Motorola!