Thursday, August 30, 2007

80s Video Game Deathmatch

Now that I have your attention...

We all have our own analogies for life. Life is like a garden... an airplane....a busy highway...a shopping mall. Driving home tonight, I came up with a new one. Life is like....a 1980s video arcade.

Think about it...

Sometimes, life is Ms Pac Man - day after day, eating the dots, doing what's expected and avoiding the trouble that's on your tail. However, every once in a while (4 times per board), you get the chance to turn on those who chase you, have your shining moment in the sun, and get your revenge before you move back on, eating the dot dot dot dot dot dot dot.

Sometimes, life is Donkey Kong - You climb the ladder, only to find out it doesn't take you where you want to be. So you shift lanes/patterns/paths/ideas and climb another, to find something coming right at you when you get there. And every once in a while, just when you think you've got the bait and switch routine down pat, the Universe throws a temper tantrum and stomps on your plans, shifting them all in a domino fashion and you begin again from round one.

Sometimes, life is Galaga - you have all the fire power you want, but you can only move in one plane, while the forces acting against you can move in two. It takes some artful moves to survive those days.

Sometimes, life is Jungle Hunt - You're swinging, back and forth, over the pitfalls. One false move and *chomp* you're dinner! Then you get on solid ground, only to have boulders come hurling themselves at you to trip you up. The decision being....jump? Or Crouch?

Sometimes life is Frogger - well . . . there's no comparison needed there. Life really *is* Frogger!

Sometimes life is Double Dragon - you and a trusted companion versus the world. Times you can defeat all comers, and at times, the world gets you.

Right now, my work life is Ms Pac Man and my personal life is Jungle Hunt. What did I leave out? And what is yours?

Sunday, August 26, 2007

While we're sharing...

...I want to share one more thing I read this week... Here's a little taste:

Tangoing Cheek to Cheek for 3 Minutes in the Park

It was a sultry 6 p.m. in Central Park, and over by the 1872
statue at Literary Walk, melancholy rhythms spilled from two speakers propped up on park benches.

Courtenay Nugent rose. He asked Fran Beaumont to dance. There they
were: the two it took to tango.

They moved sensually across the asphalt pavers, counterclockwise around
the monument, under a coquettish breeze and what was to become a limitless
starry sky and an oblong moon. As dozens of onlookers watched over the next
three hours, about 50 couples swayed to the steps of the dance that has been
called a three-minute love affair.

The New York Times played this article front and center on their home page Friday. It's amazingly refreshing to know that one of the remaining bastions of journalism can find room for amazing writing and intriguing storytelling...WITHOUT squirreling it away in the recess of its web pages.

Thank you, Now if only the rest of the journalistic world could follow suit.

Sunday Commentary

I know that in America we are indeed VERY lucky to have a separation of church and state...something most of us take for granted. However, this one takes the cake.

As of next month, China has banned Buddhist monks in Tibet from reincarnating without government permission.

It's a political move, of course. What isn't these days... Now, tell me... who can control their next life from this one? And if you can, why aren't you doing more either (1) in this life to ensure a better next life, or (2) to rig the lottery so your future self can give half to charity and STILL have no worries whatsoever?

Just sayin'...

Saturday, August 18, 2007

Shutting Down

I had a good run there for a while...I was on a roll. but now, I feel myself shutting down. Just turning off my interest in anything in my own life. Turning off feelings, turning off desires, just turning off and tuning out.

I find myself not sure how to live. I go to work, I push myself to excel there. However, when I get home,I don't know what to do. What does the world want from me, and what do I want from it? I've lived so little of my life for myself, and it's a hard pattern to break. I mentioned earlier about the whole new volume theory? Well, this one is starting out a lot like the last one...this week alone, I spent one night helping a friend assemble items for her work, I was late to a birthday party because I was trying to help keep it a surprise, I spent my Friday night helping a friend with something, and I spent today doing the same. I don't know how to live what I want because what I want is to make those closest to me, happy. Problem being, that's what got me in the hole that became the Grand Canyon from which I am now trying to extract myself. It's a fine line of who I am versus taking it to an extreme.

But, there has to be a bright side, right? I mean, at least I'm not starting this volume tied to railroad tracks in a hoop skirt like some damsel in distress......

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Le sigh

Sometimes I can run, and sometimes I run but I don't mean to. Either way, life still catches up with me.

I didn't blog last night because I was just way too busy. I went to work, then left and went to our local arts council for a few hours, then off to fix a water leak in the ex-b-f's house....because he's out of the state!... and then dancing and a phone call to another night owl that by the time all was done...I was too tired to type.

On one hand, the universe will take care of me. Randomly, a friend from DC to whom I've never considered myself close sent me a text in the afternoon. Then she called as I dealt with the whole house issue thing. Which was likely an amazing thing since I would probably have walked around in that empty house one last time, looking at it like I did before she called. Remembering things as they were, imagining things as they could have been.

It's starting to hit me that he's gone. In part because it's been some time now, and in part because he's starting to treat me like everyone else. When I called to wish him a happy birthday, he simply said, "Call me later."

Right now, the big thing to me is that there's no one who even cares to hear the mundanities (is that a word? Well, if not, it is now!) of my daily life. The little things that make one day stand out from the rest. That's probably a good thing right now though, because I'm noticing that there really is nothing to make each day stand out from the rest. It's a simple attempt to keep living and make my mark in the world out of both selfish and selfless pursuits. I've always tried to be selfless and give as much of myself as I can to others because it makes them happy. but now that I'm quite solitary, I find myself having a slightly ulterior motive. If I make people happy, maybe someone will notice when I'm not? Maybe someone will see that I'm here? Or will no one notice that day that I don't feel I can pull myself out of bed. I want someone to see me. Just a little. Tonight, I felt remarkably invisible. I went out to a friend's birthday dinner, and I think I said maybe three lines the entire conversation. And no one cared. This I know because I managed to say goodbye to the birthday girl, but my goodbyes to the rest of the crowd (all 5 of them) went unacknowledged.

Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself tonight. I'm sorry. Please feel free to skip this entry, but I need to get it out somewhere and as I've said, I have no ear to bend.

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

What's your sign?

I'm a Libra, but my honest answer would have to be, "Yield." I've always given in to other people's desires, and two have held a particular amount of sway. If you read the previous post, you know that they're both gone.

My best friend has moved to a town 800 miles from door to door, a town whose name has as many vowels as it does consonants. She's the one that believes in signs, but I tell ya, after the last three days, it may be rubbing off on me a bit too.

Sunday, I had no more gotten in my car at the airport, than my cell phone rings. A friend of mine who NEVER calls me, wanting to watch a movie and drink some wine. I declined, having just gotten into town and all. Then I went to the grocery store, where I ran into three people I knew (and no, they weren't all together). I NEVER run into anyone I know at the store. Period!

Monday afternoon, an old friend came back into my life unexpectedly. Mark, the man about whom I blogged this randomness a few years back, works for a company that supports a program I use at work. So he ended up transferred to my extension. The conversation was brief and professional, but there's still that extra flash of thinking I'd never hear from him again. Then I came home, and a cat tried to adopt me, a black one at that. I have a certain affinity for black animals, mostly because I know the superstition still runs deep in these parts.

Today, the little things continued to add up. An evening at trivia with a new with two more where I unexpectedly ran into yet another.... This means one of two things..

1) The universe is pinging me over the head to say "You'll be me" (And if that's the case, then maybe we really ARE someone's version of SIMS, as suggested in The Times this morning....)


2) I should have called this post "I NEVER..."

Since I'd have to both change the title AND alter the first paragraph of this post if that were the case, I think I'm forced to choose #1.

Sunday, August 12, 2007

Can I cry yet?

Life can't be summed up in a paragraph or five....or even as a book. At best, a well-told life story would fill volumes, a series of books dog-eared and finger-worn from being read and re-read to generations as they go. It's not often that you are fully aware that you are about to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard), armed with the knowledge that you're about to write the next volume.

The last month has been a whirlwind of change for me. The best way to put it... the people to whom I've devoted the last 10 years of my life - my ex-boyfriend and my best friend - have both moved away. 10 years of living departed my life in the span of 10 days. I just got back from moving her out, and now, it seems, the next phase of my life will start.

But do I want it to? And how do I live it?

Stepping off the plane to return home tonight, it hit me. I am alone. No one cares that I survived the hell that is traveling our nation's airlines these days. There's no one to call and share the little joys and victories in life.

And that scares me.

It all hit me when I got home. Hit me so hard that I blew off my plans for the night and stayed in to talk to my ex on the phone. Turns out, he loved me more when I had no emotions...more than he does now when I tell him how much I miss him.

Which leads me to the question of the night. Can I cry now? Will anyone notice?