Sunday, April 22, 2007

Speak now...or forever hold your peace

I attended a wedding yesterday that was quite a joyous affair. I've not been to a wedding this happy in quite a long time - usually there's some flavor of drama going around that tinges the sweetness of the day with the tart pangs of jealousy or family secrets. Not so this time. However, a few things also struck me that I felt like sharing.

1) Something the pastor did say - One of his first comments was that Eve was taken from Adam's Rib... not his feet so she could be walked on; not his hand so she could be held down, not his back so she could follow...but under his arm, so she could be protected, from his side so she could stand as his equal, his companion. That was an interesting way to look at things I thought. Yeah yeah, you guys have heard it all before, but given the ceremony I was in and the mix of Baptist and Episcopalian, I was suprprised that made the cut.

2) Something the pastor didn't say: Nowhere in the ceremony was there any variation on "if anyone aming us knows reason this man and this woman should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace" bit. Possibly because there was no reason whatsoever for anyone to have anything against these two wonderful people, but more than likely because everyone knew coming in, were they to say a word, they'd be in TROUBLE with a capital T!

3) Something the couple did: It's the first time in years I've seen a ceremony include jumping the broom!

4) Something said in a toast: This was the one that really hit me. One of the bride's best friends (the matron of honor) said that God in His wisdom had created him for her and her for him, knowing before the hour of their births what would be the hour of their marriage. Wow! Talk about pre-destination! The Gentleman upstairs has His own agenda, that's true, but I just can't cotton any belief that our lives are SO predetermined that no matter what decisions we make, it's all going to go according to that hour-by-hour plan. To me, that means He knows not only that we will make mistakes (which we do cause we're not perfect), but which mistakes we will make, and how long it will take us to realize we're making a mistake, atone, and find the path He chose again. That just doesn't wash with me.

I bet if we could sneak a peek at His cosmic road map, there's a lot of roads doubling and tripling back on each other as we receive second and third and fourth chances to achieve the happiness we could have. Remind me not to drive that Spaghetti Junction without a GPS and Google Maps!

Saturday, April 21, 2007

Are we there yet, Papa Smurf?

Random observance:

Blue nail polish is fun!

That's it...back to life as usual.

Friday, April 20, 2007

Supreme Court makes a mistake

At least, in my opinion they did.

(disclaimer: I wrote this on Tuesday when the decision came down - please keep that in mind when looking at the time references)

Today, the justices of the nation's High court entered the abortion debate through a different door. Instead of trying to regulate the availability, the Court, for the first time, made a ruling that regulates the medical procedure itself. In Gonzales v. Carhart, the Supreme Court upheld a ban on partial-birth abortions. The Washington Post does a wonderful job of explaining the issue and the ruling.

The logic behind it was:
1) The law at issue doesn't tell women they can not get an abortion, only which procedure they can not have;
2) and it leaves other procedures available to women;
3) and it will only impact a small portion of the women in America who choose abortion;
4) therefore it will not fly in the face of Roe v Wade and is constitutional.

I can't say that I agree. Stepping outside the abortion debate and the firsts for the Court in that arena, let's look at this for a second. Today's decision has now allowed the Supreme Court to legislate medicine in this country. If the justices can be convinced through a strong legal argument that a certain form of chemotherapy is undesireable, or that a certain surgery isn't being regulated properly by the AMA, they now have precedent to step in. This bothers me.

Doctors have peer review to govern their acts because peers know the profession, the risks, the new technology, and the history of failures and successes. Laywers have the same. As do any number of professional groups who are better off being regulated by their comrades than their government. Even a federal appeals court agreed last week, saying they had no constitutional right to step into the debate over mercury in dental fillings just because one group didn't think the FDA was taking the claims seriously.

The Supreme Court has bypassed the clamoring media circus at the gates and entered the abortion debate from a side door. I only hope that this ruling doesn't send safe and honest service providers slinking out the back door.

Square peg, round hole....

Wow, am I behind! The last week or so has been a whirlwind, to say the least. So please, forgive me so many posts at once, but there were a few I wrote in email and never did publish, so there will be a few popping in tonight. I'll start, though, with the one that I still have bouncing around in my head.

This time last week, I was on my way to Washington, DC. It's a great place to visit, and once upon a time, I wanted to live there. Then I didn't. Now I wonder again how I would fare, as DC seems to be an elixir for this troubled mind.

Every time I go there, I feel like I hit the reset button. My troubles seem to vanish for a few days, even when they can find me on my cell. I have an amazing time...but more importantly... I "fit." It's not that I fit IN, because that's a challenge anyone can tackle anywhere. I just feel like I "fit." The conversations go up a notch...pinging and ponging from the best lines in Monty Python and the Search for the Holy religion as an evolutionary construct (great article...check it out! I'm only part of the way through it, but the idea is both plausible and fascinating!) And this wasn't the first time it happened.....I feel this way every time I come back.
So to me the question becomes, it is the people I meet, or the place itself, or just the fact that I'm on vacation? If I did move, though, there are some people I would take with me just to make the place perfect. Wonder how they feel about Northern Virginia suburbs....

Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Contradiction of Terms

Spotted this license plate in my rear-view mirror on the way to work this morning:

Save the Earth.

The vehicle sporting it?

An H2

People kill me!

Monday, April 09, 2007

I tried....and it doesn't work

You're right...I do need to take someone up on the offer of just listening. Problem is finding someone who's not going to be disappointed in me. Or offended by me. Or judge me.

Be glad I didn't blog yesterday - it was a rough one - but after a long long weekend of tension and strife, I thought I had that person. She reached out to me and let me cry. I hadn't said anything because I feared disappointing her. I thought perhaps I wouldn't.


Today, I discovered things are right back to normal. She is an "act-now-think-later" person. I'm the opposite. But for her, if I'm not immediately taking steps to rectify my situation (and trying to figure out where to go from here doesn't count) then I'm nothing. But I already knew that one anyway.

Aack. I can't seem to win.

Saturday, April 07, 2007

Gimme Shelter

With each passing day, the sleep deficit grows. I close my eyes, and my body relaxes, but the brain cannot. Instead, the backs of my eyelids become a projection screen, where the scenes of my life as it is, as it was, and as it could be all play out in a random order and seemingly simultaneously...until I jolt awake crying, screaming, or just in plain fear.

I've hidden it well, or so I thought, until last night someone offered me the comfort of shelter. Not the One who Knows...or the One who Should Notice...but just, One who Cares.

As we danced, I kept missing the lead and apologizing. After the third time, he increased the pressure on my back, and said he didn't mind. "Your mind is wandering somewhere...I think it keeps bouncing between your dance and whatever is causing those bags under your eyes," he said. "Don't sweat the following, and if you need a shoulder to cry on, even just while you dance, you know where to find me."

At that moment, you don't know how welcome it was. I couldn't do it, mind you. I need not pull someone else into this rabbit hole with me. But I'm so raw right now, that the idea nearly cracked my fragile shell. I could feel my emotions aching to be heard and just held. Security. Safety. The few things that I can't give myself right now.

I didn't do it though. Aside from it being wrong to use someone like that, I'm on a precarious perch right now. I teeter on the wire, held in place by opposing forces. If one pushes harder than the other, I'll crack...I know I will. the question becomes now - who can exert the greater forces...exterior or the fear I create from my own worries.

Friday, April 06, 2007

A Slice of the Morning

7:50am - out of the shower. Looks like I have time to check my email AND stop for coffee. Insomnia has its benefits!

8:06am - still at the keyboard. Hmmmm....minimal staffing at the office today. It's a holiday - what else did I expect? Quick read of the 4am ramblings I forgot to post on the blog.

8:17am - still cleaning up those 4 am ramblings. Crap - I still have to make lunch. Forget that!

8:27am - starting the car, looking down at the clock...I can still hit Rana Capelli if I hurry...

8:29am - don't need to hurry - it's Good Friday - no one is on the roads!

8:31am - and neither was the owner of the drive thru coffee shop. Pull up to the window, sign reads "Have a Good Friday. We will. Closed till Easter Monday"

8:37am - this is one on the roads today, I'm making record time. Maybe I can make it to work really early!

8:39am - accident about a mile from work. Shit! I can't do it.

8:40am – the clock rolls over, and silence starts to build. I tried to run from it, but the absence of one sound creates a second presence in the car, drowning out even the radio that I’ve cranked to try to avoid the inevitable.

8:43 am – pull into the parking lot. Rock star spot! That’s the trade off for working a holiday. The wave of loneliness crashes over me and starts to recede as I see one more person pulling into the lot. If I hurry, I can get myself together and walk in with her so I don’t have to be alone.

Sometimes, I tire of running.

...that's MS. Hyde to you!

I didn't make a return to the blogosphere to cry on your virtual shoulders. I came back because a few people said they missed me, and because one in particular encouraged me to start writing again. That said, in skimming through the rest of the posts I've made this year, it does sound as though I'm back just to lament the state of the world.

Newsflash: Life's not THAT bad.

Yes, I'm in an emotional pit right now, trying to dig myself out. Yes, I'm not really sure which way is up. Yes, I'm experiencing a lot more hurt and confusion than I've had in years. But things could be so much worse that it's not even funny! My material needs are met - the bills are paid...and my friends surround me. That said, they also have no clue a thing is happening, except two very observant people whom I don't know that I can trust with my self.
Which is why I'm pulling this Dr. Jekyll/Ms. Hyde routine of whiplash between posts. One flighty, one curious and one sad.

I say this because I have thoughts I want to pursue and I can't do it with people. I tried earlier tonight and one of my best friends' response was "Yep...that's a pickle. Don't know what you're going to do." So I'll do it here.

Thanks for listening. After all, you can just keep clicking through if I'm too much! :)

Thursday, April 05, 2007

Slipping away and nothing I can do

It's there again. That emptiness...except emptiness isn't the right word because that insinuates that I can fill it.

How about void? Void works nicely. Because it's a hole larger than I can fill alone, larger than I can repair with a spiritual Band-aid. Let's go with void, shall we?

It's my fault I feel this way. Something I truly want is slipping away and the bad thing is...I've seen it coming. I've seen this unfolding and I haven't had the strength to stop it before now. My mind has seen the logic, my heart has seen the desperation. I've prayed for guidance, and thought I was receiving none. Perhaps I was after all, and as a stupid human being simply ignored it, thinking that God couldn't be that simple.

I prayed for love....I receive hurt. I pray for forgiveness, I feel more guilt. I ask for a glimpse into whether I'm making the right decisions...and I get a turn of events that tells me, no, I must be doing something wrong. Now I just hope o find a way to right my wrongs and repair the damage done.

But there's nothing I can do. For anyone. So tonight I indulge this desperation and tomorrow I begin to close off that void. I'm utterly paralyzed by the thought of making the wrong decision again, but I can't just sit here.

Wednesday, April 04, 2007

My Bar Tab Is $520.50

So I'm sitting here trying to catch up on some long lost blogs I've not read in a while, and I stumbled onto a post from Wordnerd that looked kinda fun. Basically, it's a sort of purity go through the list and each questions is assigned a dollar value. At the end, you don't admit which ones you've done, just your tab.

Mine's $520.50

Wow...I'm not as dull as I thought I'd be. Maybe that's why I couldn't find anything else to say right now. Either that or knowing I have a few other things I should do before I come back and write more....

Tuesday, April 03, 2007

Making a list...checking it twice....

I'm no Santa Claus....I'm not even a good Mrs. Claus...but I'm taking a page from Santa's book and making my own list tonight. This time, it's of topics I want to talk about but have no time to do so.

I can tell I've been writing more...or talking less...or introverting more and showing more high gloss to the world...because I'm starting to come up with more things I want to write about. Rather than bore you with all of them, however, here's a brief list. Let me know what interests you:

1: The fast-track to sainthood. Pope Benedict waived the five-year waiting period for Pope John Paul II. Pope John Paul II waived the time period for Mother Teresa. Is this indicative of our society's lack of patience? Or is it a marketing ploy for the Catholic Church, trying to reach out to a younger demographic in a time when the argument could be made the traditions are dying?

2: Emotion as currency. You can say that "you're spent." Can you spend emotion as currency? Can you run out of love? Or hate? Or worry? Or care?

3: Keith Richards found a VERY strange way to honor his deceased father....

4: Judgment from the perch. It's so easy to say what you would do were you in someone else's shoes. But it's not so easy not to impose those ideas and thoughts on others.

Time to run..ideas? Suggestions?

Sunday, April 01, 2007

Something's Missing....

The Boomtown Rats didn't like Mondays. I've got 'em beat by a day. Sundays slay me.

First off, I just don't seem to get anything done. It's like a retail store in the South, Sunday starts late and ends early. I wake up in the morning, and read the Sunday paper. Instead of it being a relaxing experience over a cup of coffee, though, it turns into a race against the clock to finish the mammoth beast off before I can get to anything else in my day. Noon rolls around and the phone starts to ring....people looking for a lazy Sunday experience and people to have it with. Nope...I'm usually booked already. Time blocked off for this person or that project. And all has to be wrapped up by the time dancing starts or I feel guilty about not honoring THAT committment, one that is truly about as voluntary as they come.

Second, Sunday is a day of confrontations. With all the time that's available and no rigid constraints, people seem to pick this day as one to expect things of me, or launch into long elaborate conversations that explain my deficiencies and shortcomings, sometimes in a very hurtful manner. I can't recall the last time I didn't end a Sunday with some sort of negative feelings. Even so, I do my best not to dread them, as they are still a hundred times better than the good days at work!

Today, however, it's particularly painful. Forgive me if my language leans a touch dark here, and for indulging me at least on the surface...but the best way to describe it is that I feel as though I have a hole at the center of my being. Something's missing, and no matter how hard I try I can't stop the ache to get it back. I woke up with this feeling at about 5 this morning, grasping for my sanity. clutching for that which would make me whole. I failed.

It's an odd way to describe it, but I started the day with a weight in my heart. I've spent the day crying about it, running from it. and even trying to smash into it face first. I don't often have these, but it's a day of why does the world work this way? Why take from us that which we need. To show us that we don't need it? To offer a greater apprciation for that which can not be taken away? To force an examination of self and a realignment of priorities?

Or is the universe and all the forces that create it just playing with us like a cat on canip having a field day with a ball of string?



I rarely buy gum, but I picked up three packs of Dentyne for a friend yesterday. They have these awesome little sayings on the backs....Dentyne-isms. I can't seem to find a website for them, so pardon me if I get this wrong, but one of them hit the nail on the head....

Dentyne-ism #19: Don't date anyone who says they "need to be selfish right now."

Once again...Words of Wisdom from a bubble gum wrapper.