I feel like talking to someone, but I don't know to whom. I feel like writing, but I don't know what to say.
It's been a long weekend. After I left a party on Friday night, the next time my phone rang was early this morning... a good friend letting me know his father had taken a turn for the worse. Then again, time to time today, with updates. But no one else until my (still feels strange to call him my) ex called this evening. Were it not for a tragedy, no one would have tried to contact me except someone who doesn't want me.
Don't get me wrong - I got a lot done on the charity event I'm working on. And I sat on the couch and crocheted quite a bit. But tonight I feel remarkably unsettled. I feel like there's something amiss and I can't put a finger on it. In part with me, because I know there are two people I should call tonight and I don't feel up to being someone else's rock or putting on a cheery face tonight. And in part with someone who I know was going through a life change this weekend and hasn't called to keep me in the loop. Not that I have to know everything mind you... just that, well, no news is supposed to be good news, but I'm the paranoid type when predictable people waiver from their patterns. So now I'm unsettled.
Add to that I'm very aware this weekend of being alone. I'd rather be single than be in a bad relationship (not that I have been, just saying I'm not one of those women for whom ANYTHING is better than NOTHING), but sometimes I want that comfort. I want that kindness. I'm just not in the mood for the whole "getting to know you" deal. I don't find myself interested in the sparks flying of beginning a relationship. I just want someone, male OR female, with whom I can be me. Sit on the couch, lean on them, not bear the burdens myself kind of "me." A male would be preferable, as it would be nice to be able to lean into them and fall asleep, but at this point I'd take the female companionship that goes beyond just listening.
Anyway, end of venting. I had a few things this week I wanted to post about, but didn't get to. I promise, a vent on the Supreme Court at some point this week.
Thanks for listening. I'm still paranoid, and still unsettled, but still - I needed that.
A collection of random thoughts, rhetorical questions, and a dash of whimsy - all things that fit quite nicely under the burnt reds and oranges of fall foliage.
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About Me
- ProducerClaire
- Does it really matter who I am as long as I have something valid to say?
4 comments:
A blog is the best place to vent, Claire. We all need that from time to time. Feel free to vent away and call me if that isn't sufficient. I hope you find someone to lean on soon.
Bad times.
Chin up, Claire.
You can fall asleep on me anytime. Figuratively, of course... unless I'm in town there, or you're here.
The hardest thing about the time after a relationship finishes is all the time without people around. Things like having a spur of the moment thought amusing you and not being able to immediately share it with someone who it might make laugh.
I think I was a little lucky when my last relationship ended to be running a Warcraft guild, it gave me something to bury myself in where I'd need to talk to people. So that was the weekends and evenings ... Plus there were the people at work who kept an eye on me.
I wouldn't recommend online games though as anti-alone therapy :-) They're far too addictive ;-) However, I reckon that anti-alone thing is why I can't leave the online games alone permanently ...
The blogs are very handy for that too, you can bet there's a few people who'll have notifications that tell 'em when you've put something new up. I bet the next time you feel the need for a rant, there will be a few replying "Go get 'em Tiger !" :-)
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