Green isn't just the color of jealousy. It's also the color of jade. And tonight I sit here, lamenting the fact that I am a jaded individual, far before my time.
It's times like this that I'm glad I haven't identified myself on here at all. Because these are the times I want to be brutally honest, but can't to anyone I know for fear of offending.
Tonight, I went out with friends, only to discover one of our acquaintances had gotten engaged last week. Before I go on, I can't say emphatically enough how happy I am for her. I've only met her fiance once, but from his first impression and from hearing her talk I know they'll be a wonderful match! And it's thrilling to hear the proposal stories, and know that yes, there are still a few romantics out there!
However, as the night wore on, I couldn't help but feel that nagging at the back of my mind. The voice saying you blew your turn years ago...that it's just not going to happen for you. The more I thought about it, the more I realized that I do have a knack for falling for the men who want me right now, but can't make a forever out of it. They aren't bad people, and they aren't bad to me, they just aren't what I'm looking for, but by the time we figure all that out (for one reason or another), I'm in love and they're saying goodbye.
I'm no spring chicken, but I'm too young to be this jaded and bitter at myself. Or am I? Is there an age where you just say, "Fuck it" and give in to the fact that you're more than old enough to be old and jaded and bitchy about everything this world offers at you? Or am I merely an old soul who has seen too much, trying to find her way to clutch to some form of naivete?
What it all boils down to is this - it's a hard year. 5 engagements (and counting - I know another one is coming soon), at least 5 weddings I can think of...and as I offer all these people my heartfelt best wishes and support, part of me dreads another happy face, another wedding to attend, another reception full of people wanting to know what your plans are.
Because have you noticed that people feel like they can say whatever they want at weddings? Complete strangers are expected to make polite small talk, but it evolves into intimate details and probing questions about your status and future and plans. People you DO know take the chance to make comments they've thought twice about saying in any other setting...when are YOU getting married? Don't you want kids? Well you better hurry up!
I love my friends, and I wish them all the happiness in the world and beyond. But I don't like this bitter person I feel myself becoming at the mention of someone's nuptials. The big day always goes well...it's the dread leading up to it that kills me these days. Hopefully it's something I can change before another person truly close to me has such happy news, because I don't want to feel anything but pride and joy for them should that big day be theirs.
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3 comments:
Hey, I've been there. Perhaps it feels different here in a man's body, but I've been there. I've crumbled inside as the last hope of making a permanent connection was snuffed out when she introduced me to her new boyfriend. I've stood by as silent witness to my own lunacy as jealousy and suspicion took over the reins and completely ruined what was at best a decent friendship. And I've looked out through these tear-burned, bloodshot eyes, curled up all fetal on the floor, the dust bunnies staring at me in disbelief as I cursed my own stupidity and screamed out in lonely frustration, "Why? Why?"
And just when I had given up looking, when I had finally accepted that there was no one out there for me, and I had set age 35 as my final lap around the sun because the pain was crowding out the warm daylight that remained, she stepped into view. I wasn't trying to impress her, but to make her laugh. I wasn't trying to woo her or to land her or to make her mine. It just happened. She was my band-aid. My elixir. She didn't know it at the time, but she was saving my life.
Stop trying to find him. Stop trying to find it. "It" is the proverbial watched pot. Don't give up as I did, but disengage. Step off the merry-go-round. Live life for you. Enjoy your friends' company. Decline matchmakers and blind date artists. Focus on you and get comfortable with yourself. If only in this one area, let life happen to you. Love is not something you control. In others or you. Don't attempt to control it.
And it will be.
dassall
I think it is a little different looking through the eyes of the other chromosome, but not too much. I've never been your typical female, never had the ticking clock or the urge to wed. I'm only now starting to hear the muffled strains of Father Time calling to me.
I know I'm speaking about myself, so I'm biased here, but I believe I've always done well at being happy enough with who I am, but not so happy that I turn a blind eye to opportunities to grow as a person. I try, as much as I can, not to define myself through the views or actions of another, but through how I see myself. However, as I get older, I'm startig to feel that pull, that desire to make that substantial connection with someone else. I think that's why it's so perplexing to me - because I've never put this pressure on myself before, and therefore these emotions are a first for me.
Of course, that said, it occurred to me that reading this blog could give you a totally different picture of me. I started it to have a place to vent these unsureties and questions. I haven't connected with someone quite this strongly since the one to whom I was all but engaged...and it's novel territory for me. So realize that if you go back and read some of the archives, you're seeing a skewed me....
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