I'm sorry to keep the handful of you reading this in suspense, but I needed a day or so to process exactly what happened. (And if you have no idea what I'm talking about, start here - one post back.)
Nothing.
That's precisely what happened.
I can't say it was or wasn't what I expected, because, as I said last night, I wasn't sure WHAT to expect, and perhaps it was the lackluster qualities of the evening that struck me the most, leaving me to ponder whether I missed something or if there was, truly, "nothing to see here."
I arrived at the house and only knew one person - "Jim." Two of his friends I had met once before, but couldn't have chosen them from a lineup if my life depended on it. And the rest were work friends from the office long after we were no longer together. As I'm taking off my coat, and scanning the faces for an island of recognition in this unfamiliar sea, a woman tapped my shoulder.
"Are you Claire?" she asked.
"I am. Have we met?"
"No, we haven't. I'm Blair." (Name also changed to protect the innocent)
There she was. Right in front of me. "Nice to meet you! Jim's told me a lot about you! How's the trip been so far?"
But she wasn't having any small talk. She had done her duty, or so it seemed, and introduced herself. Any opportunity for me to obtain my conversational sea legs was not to be, as she walked away, found Jim, and stayed plastered to his side the rest of the night.
I don't say any of this to be catty. I have no problem with this woman. She makes Jim happy and enough for me. That said, that's my disclaimer for the rest of this post.
In watching the two of them, I noticed a couple of things. First off, she reminds me of me when we were dating. Not surprising, since people tend to date within a certain pattern. Similar hair cut, similar height, similar clothes. But since then, I've lost weight (she's thinner than I was with him) and become more girlish in my appearance (I was quite "who Cares" in my fashion sense with him), donning jeans that fit my new form and tighter sweaters that replaced the chunky winter turtlenecks. And yes, there's even a similarity in the names (totally coincidence, I'm positive, and not in a facetious manner either).
When we dated, I was a polar opposite to the woman who came before me. He got to the same point of near marriage with Abby as well before she cheated on him and broke his heart. After me, there was a pendulum swing back toward the Abby type, and an "off the board" choice in there somewhere too. The impression I got was that Blair is the midpoint between Abby and I, combining the traits he enjoyed and abandoning those he found annoying. So in that respect, I see her as an upgrade - Claire 2.1 if you will - instead of an entirely new model.
I also learned something more about myself last night. I'm surprised to say, I don't feel any pressure to get married because of the encounter. Many people see a former S-O moving on to the next big step in their lives and feel inadequate, as though something is missing. I don't. Probably because I know I'm not at a point where that is an option right now, so why waste effort and self-esteem longing for what isn't practical.
I think one reason I miss him, is that I miss being with him. I watched their easy-going nature, the sense of humor, the caring and the love there, and I remembered what it was like to love Jim. Life was easier then because he was there. There was no stress, there was no strife, there was just an ease to everything about us. The relationship was not perfect by any stretch of the imagination, or we'd still be together. There were problems and incompatibilities, however, in spending time with him, you felt good about yourself and about each other. That's what I'm looking for and can't seem to find.
Not only do I miss that, but I miss the person I was at that point. Unjaded, open to love, caring more for him than for myself. Naive? Yes, to a degree, but a naivete that opened my heart to an extent I don't think it will ever reach again. Now I'm more closed off. No one will see that side of me again. Many people who know me now would likely never believe that person ever even existed. I miss her, and seeing that last night brought it all flooding back.
So there you go - the report card. no fireworks, no attitude, no catfights. Sorry if that's disappointing. I just call it, a sign of maturity. Now, if only I knew what to call this small pang of regret I feel....or how to assuage it into oblivion.
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7 comments:
Congratulations ... you got through what can possibly be described as the toughest evenings of your life. Getting to meet the "other woman". I can only imagine what kind of strength it would need to go through this. I'd just have plain refused to go. I'm made of clay.
So, when is Jim 2.1 coming along? Has the hunt begun?
Hmmm. "Claire" is your pseudonym. Ms. Upgrade has a similar name to your real name, but to protect her identity (and yours), and in choosing a name similar to "Claire," you choose "Blair."
Let's look at the subliminal - nay, Freudian - implications, here. In current American culture the name, Blair is almost immediately followed by the silent echo, "...Witch Project..." So, in my hackneyed, pseudo-psychologist's point of view, your use of "Blair" is akin to "witch."
But let's look into history culturally. I think the other, strongest connotation we - as in people of age 35-55 - draw from "Blair" is the name Linda Blair, star of the infamous, original "The Exorcist," as the child of Satan's interest. So again you have chosen quite an interesting pseudonym for your ex-lover's betrothed.
But, perhaps, I'm being too cynical. I've racked my brain for a whole minute and a half and I can't come up with another name aside from Blair that rhymes with Claire. So maybe this tree I'm barking up doesn't conceal the elusive squirrel after all.
Focus elsewhere, Claire. He'll find you.
Yoda,
We'll have to mold you and fire you then so you're ready when the right one comes along. Or more to the point...let HER mold you nd fire you!
Farrago,
"But, perhaps, I'm being too cynical. I've racked my brain for a whole minute and a half and I can't come up with another name aside from Blair that rhymes with Claire. So maybe this tree I'm barking up doesn't conceal the elusive squirrel after all."
The squirrel is sitting in the tree, but the tree has no leaves, and he's chattering away saying, in squirrel, of course, "I'm right here!" The rhyme is all that it is...something I didn't even notice until someone else pointed it out the other night.
And you're right - my focus is elsewhere, for the most part. But you have to admit, when the ex blows into town, it can make your world teeter a bit off its axis.
I think what you did was very brave and you should be commended. I can remember being in situations like that and found them painful.
I get the feeling Jim will always look at you as the one who got away.
mr. s,
I think the feeling will be mutual.
Okay.
Claire, I don't know you except through your blog, and I'm a fairly current reader. I read both posts and I have some advice, albeit cold advice, but advice none the less.
Get an ego! Do it. You're worth something and you know it. You also know there is another "upgrade" for yourself. And while your relationship with him may have seemed near-perfect, trust your self-worth and know that this is a learning experience, about yourself, and no one else. You are your own God, Claire. Act like it. You can't control her or him, but you can control yourself. (Trust me when I say these things somewhat hypocritically--I, too, am learning.)
(I really mean totally good intentions and if I made you feel bad in any way, I'll go away and cry in the corner, feeling bad that I portrayed things I didn't mean to.)
Michael, First off, let me start by saying, "Yay, you're back!!!!!" Long time no write!
That said, I beg to differ with you a tad. I think I *do* have a healthy feeling of self-worth. I think that's a lot of what I learned from the whole experience...that while, yes, I am human and do miss him, I am also mature enough to see where we went right and where we went wrong, and more to the point, that I am secure enough in who I am not to let the common wimpy feelings of "Oh, he's getting married...what's wrong with me" overwhelm me. Because they just weren't there.
I know I'm in control of my future...and that there is an upgrade out there for me. If anything, this confirms it. I decided when he left me so many years ago that I could either be a simpering violet who pined away for the lost love, or a hardy...yeah, I don't know what kind of flower is all that hardy, but a strong soul who mourned a loss, then picked herself up and moved on. I'm not saying that I didn't let the catty curiousity in, but I didn't let it overwhelm me, and this encounter confirmed it for me.
That said, I know I have a lot of growing to do. We all do, and anyone who thinks otherwise, well, I'd say they don't know themselves very well. So, no, you didn't make me cry in the corner, and I hope I didn't offend with my rebuttal. That's just the way I see things.
But yay, you're back :)
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