It's late and I really should be heading off to bed right now. Problem is, I want to write. Despite all the obstacles, the mental blocks, the timing, the everything that should be telling me no, I still want to write. And yet, I have nothing to say.
Maybe that's why I want to write...I want what I can't have. There seems to be a lot of that in my life lately as well, or at least in my mind. Things I don't even allow myself to want, except in the dead of night. When all the lights are off and the house falls silent. In those moments where you teeter between wakefulness and sleep, when the body relaxes and the mind tenses. Those are the moments when my psyche carries off into a world of its own creation, abandoning the constraints of the daily grind and flirting with the possibilities seen only by the mind's eye.
Sorry - I've been quite introspective of late, with my mind's eye quite often turning inward to examine myself. Pondering questions for which I think I will never receive an answer...second guessing my decisions and looking for reasons why to questions whose only answer can be, "because." In my waking hours, I convince myself that "because" is more than enough, for while the unravelling of the yarn is both fun and revealing, to figure out a definitive answer would take some of the magic out of it all.
That said, nothing has stopped me from peeling back the layers and searching for the greater why...how that which appears to contradict itself could, in reality, not only co-exist, but even thrive in a symbiosis that only proves life is not as it appears to be. Yet, as the ideal and the reality are in direct conflict with each other, I find myself in a state of utter confusion much of the time.
In case of confusion, break glass. I've broken it. Now what?
Now, I go to bed. You can tell it's been a while since I've tried to just write off the top of my head. Either that, or I just have too much on my mind right now. Too many conversations unspoken out of fear or respect or intimidation. Maybe if I do a few more of these I'll get my words to fall in place a little easier. Right now, it feels like I'm herding cats.
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4 comments:
Now what?
Take out the magical Cat Herding device that was been awaiting it's release for a millennia.
It's those kind of thoughts that will keep me up at night, making my brain churn out crap, and all I want to do is sleep.
So I feel your pain.
You may babble and riff, but your writing is always worth reading. Even, when all is said -- or written -- and done, when you've said nothing, it was a fun ride getting there.
Stay with us. Stay writing.
Farrago pinted me in your direction, Claire, and I'm happy to "meet" another fellow blogger. I'll stick around to read some of your archives, and I hope you'll visit mine too.
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