Possession

An awesome song, isn't it? Sarah McLachlan's an amazing singer, and she makes the whole concept of not being able to live without someone else sound so beautiful. Think about it...

Through this world I've stumbled
So many times betrayed
Trying to find an honest word
To find the truth enslaved
Oh you speak to me in riddles and
You speak to me in rhymes
My body aches to breathe your breath
Your words keep me alive

Rumor is, those words came from a letter from an obsessed fan...and she turned something of potential fear into something of great impact and import. But even if taken at face value, the tale of the lovelorn stumbling through this life can appeal to us all at times.

So why am I writing about a song that was released in the 90s? Because I was reading another blog in which the author asked if it were possible to love someone without possessing them. I started to respond in her comments, but rather than pen an expansive diatribe there, I decided to bring it here instead, and the first thing that popped into my head was that song, so it's the first element in my blog entry as well.

It's a rhetorical question with so many aspects to its answer, it's not even funny. Some would say that the ultimate love is one in which you posses no one. Others would say the ultimate end is one in which you are married, and therefore each possesses the other in every aspect imaginable. I believe that the ultimate love for me is one in which I am in possession of my own values and desires and can therefore choose to love someone freely and without restraint on them or on me.

In my opinion, love without possession is an acquired ability. When lovers are young (not love, for love can be young when those who feel it are not), love is all about laying claim to your emotional state, owning a feeling or an experience and adding it to your limited pool of experience you call life - that thing that people have told you about, but you're so young you feel you haven't experienced for yourself yet. That's why people say "my boyfriend" or "my fiancee" instead of using names. In doing so, they lay claim to the feeling, the state, and the person. For some, that is enough. That is all they want and all they need, and as long as they find someone who feels the same, then that is good.

Others pursue a different goal that is a step beyond. These are people who know that you get only what you give, but are not willing to give it all. This is the category where I place "starter marriages" - people who are willing to give all in the good times, but only part in the bad, and eventually pull apart.

Finally, there are thosepeoplee who know themselves, and who know that love without possession is more than just the pure love written of in poetry and novels. It's not the courtly love of the medieval times, or thecourtesans of Japan (the term for which escapes me at the moment). The story books and poems and literature all say that to achieve the perfect love you must give all of yourself. Those who pursue an unpossessive love know that this is dangerous - that by giving all of yourself, there is nothing left of you, leaving you to develop into little more than a mirror of the person you love. If your amour is a narcissist, then that's fine. But if (S)he fell in love with you because of who you are, that person will disappear if you attempt to sublimate yourself to their wants, needs, and desires. A precarious position to start with that can tip completely out of control if the other person is determined to do the same. Soon, both are throwing their "selves" out the window to reflect the other, who has done the same so there is little there to reflect.


Love without possession is a survival skill. It is respect, both for your partner and for yourself. You must love without possessing if you do not want to find yourself possessed in turn. Again, if you don't mind being kept, then that's fine, but it is imperative you find a partner with similar desires. However, I believe that the only way a relationship of any form can survive is through healthy exchange of ideas and dialogue and personalities between two participating people. Remove the participation, and it is not the kind of love I seek, and for me, being someone else's property - physical emotional or otherwise - removes me from being able to grow as a human being. It does the same to someone else. Therefore, I owe it to them to learn to love without possessing...to express the jealous twinges without going over board...to provide input into their decisions, and them into mine, without MAKING the decision for them. Only then can love flourish.

And on that note, I leave you for a five day vacation. Ponder...discuss...comment (even though I may not get back to you until next week)...and have a wonderful weekend.