Le sigh

Sometimes I can run, and sometimes I run but I don't mean to. Either way, life still catches up with me.

I didn't blog last night because I was just way too busy. I went to work, then left and went to our local arts council for a few hours, then off to fix a water leak in the ex-b-f's house....because he's out of the state!... and then dancing and a phone call to another night owl that by the time all was done...I was too tired to type.

On one hand, the universe will take care of me. Randomly, a friend from DC to whom I've never considered myself close sent me a text in the afternoon. Then she called as I dealt with the whole house issue thing. Which was likely an amazing thing since I would probably have walked around in that empty house one last time, looking at it like I did before she called. Remembering things as they were, imagining things as they could have been.

It's starting to hit me that he's gone. In part because it's been some time now, and in part because he's starting to treat me like everyone else. When I called to wish him a happy birthday, he simply said, "Call me later."

Right now, the big thing to me is that there's no one who even cares to hear the mundanities (is that a word? Well, if not, it is now!) of my daily life. The little things that make one day stand out from the rest. That's probably a good thing right now though, because I'm noticing that there really is nothing to make each day stand out from the rest. It's a simple attempt to keep living and make my mark in the world out of both selfish and selfless pursuits. I've always tried to be selfless and give as much of myself as I can to others because it makes them happy. but now that I'm quite solitary, I find myself having a slightly ulterior motive. If I make people happy, maybe someone will notice when I'm not? Maybe someone will see that I'm here? Or will no one notice that day that I don't feel I can pull myself out of bed. I want someone to see me. Just a little. Tonight, I felt remarkably invisible. I went out to a friend's birthday dinner, and I think I said maybe three lines the entire conversation. And no one cared. This I know because I managed to say goodbye to the birthday girl, but my goodbyes to the rest of the crowd (all 5 of them) went unacknowledged.

Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself tonight. I'm sorry. Please feel free to skip this entry, but I need to get it out somewhere and as I've said, I have no ear to bend.