I had a good run there for a while...I was on a roll. but now, I feel myself shutting down. Just turning off my interest in anything in my own life. Turning off feelings, turning off desires, just turning off and tuning out.
I find myself not sure how to live. I go to work, I push myself to excel there. However, when I get home,I don't know what to do. What does the world want from me, and what do I want from it? I've lived so little of my life for myself, and it's a hard pattern to break. I mentioned earlier about the whole new volume theory? Well, this one is starting out a lot like the last one...this week alone, I spent one night helping a friend assemble items for her work, I was late to a birthday party because I was trying to help keep it a surprise, I spent my Friday night helping a friend with something, and I spent today doing the same. I don't know how to live what I want because what I want is to make those closest to me, happy. Problem being, that's what got me in the hole that became the Grand Canyon from which I am now trying to extract myself. It's a fine line of who I am versus taking it to an extreme.
But, there has to be a bright side, right? I mean, at least I'm not starting this volume tied to railroad tracks in a hoop skirt like some damsel in distress......
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8 comments:
Write fiction. It's fulfills the lives of other (make-believe) people, and yet enriches you. And when you perfect the story and share it, it enriches the lives of other (real) people, and it fulfills you.
And writing it can help you straighten out the kinks in your own life.
Let me read the first draft, okay?
Oh, Farrago, you are right! It's a great solution. And Claire, in writing the fiction, you can stay away from the people who steal your time away from you! That way, you can learn to live for yourself at least for a while. Treat yourself - you are worth it!
It sounds like a great idea, but I have no ideas for fiction. I read too much fact, and I write too much fact. I've never been strong at brainstorming new things...be it a color for my kitchen or a short story for school, or a different way of doing things at work. Fiction not my strength. Probably because I've seen too much truth that I know is far stranger than anything I could ever dream up.
I will add my two cents. Don't start you fiction with the goal of a story. Pick a character like you want yourself to be or like someone you know and start a journal about them, but with any fiction you want to add. As you have said truth is far stranger than fiction and your story may weave itself.
"what does the world want from me, and what do i want from it?"
focus on the latter. it sounds like you've spent too much time on the former already.
i find travel always helps me put things in perspective, not sure how you feel about that.
Claire, I've read your writing. You can do it. Don't write for others to see, necessarily.
Tabor nailed it. Write about the different person you sometimes wish you were, what you would say, what you would do, IF you were someone else. Believe me, I think a lot of writers write themselves into their fiction. I certainly do.
Tabor:
You (and your two cents) are always welcome here!
Benjibopper:
I *love* travel! It does help me put things into perspective...withdrawing myself from the everyday helps me look at the world differently. I think that's why my ex hated it when I traveled, especially when I traveled alone. I always returned with new ideas and less tolerance for his idiocy.
Farrago:
Not sure how I'd even start something without a point or a goal. I'll have to think on that one.
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