The Boomtown Rats didn't like Mondays. I've got 'em beat by a day. Sundays slay me.
First off, I just don't seem to get anything done. It's like a retail store in the South, Sunday starts late and ends early. I wake up in the morning, and read the Sunday paper. Instead of it being a relaxing experience over a cup of coffee, though, it turns into a race against the clock to finish the mammoth beast off before I can get to anything else in my day. Noon rolls around and the phone starts to ring....people looking for a lazy Sunday experience and people to have it with. Nope...I'm usually booked already. Time blocked off for this person or that project. And all has to be wrapped up by the time dancing starts or I feel guilty about not honoring THAT committment, one that is truly about as voluntary as they come.
Second, Sunday is a day of confrontations. With all the time that's available and no rigid constraints, people seem to pick this day as one to expect things of me, or launch into long elaborate conversations that explain my deficiencies and shortcomings, sometimes in a very hurtful manner. I can't recall the last time I didn't end a Sunday with some sort of negative feelings. Even so, I do my best not to dread them, as they are still a hundred times better than the good days at work!
Today, however, it's particularly painful. Forgive me if my language leans a touch dark here, and for indulging me at least on the surface...but the best way to describe it is that I feel as though I have a hole at the center of my being. Something's missing, and no matter how hard I try I can't stop the ache to get it back. I woke up with this feeling at about 5 this morning, grasping for my sanity. clutching for that which would make me whole. I failed.
It's an odd way to describe it, but I started the day with a weight in my heart. I've spent the day crying about it, running from it. and even trying to smash into it face first. I don't often have these, but it's a day of why does the world work this way? Why take from us that which we need. To show us that we don't need it? To offer a greater apprciation for that which can not be taken away? To force an examination of self and a realignment of priorities?
Or is the universe and all the forces that create it just playing with us like a cat on canip having a field day with a ball of string?
Meow!
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5 comments:
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I'll go with the cat theory. It seems logical.
Do you KNOW what is missing or is the feeling just empty and you don't know whay?
I've felt that many times before also. The best thing to do is be around people who appreciate you. You'll feel better.
And I've got to say, your opening line...I just pictured that an awesome way to open a book...
Ultra:
Time to start growing a big ol' pot of catnip on my window sill then!
Kenju:
I believe i know what's missing...it's a matter of building a bridge between where I am and where i want to be. But that's a preview into the next blog post that's brewing in my head. Thanks for jumping on the train and reading along, btw...now there are 6 of you!
Flash:
Yeah - after I wrote this I ended up at a great little dance, and found a pretty fun night at a karaoke joint with some friends ;) I think I just need to be loved, rather than left...and not necessarily amorous love. Just appreciated. Thanks!
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