With each passing day, the sleep deficit grows. I close my eyes, and my body relaxes, but the brain cannot. Instead, the backs of my eyelids become a projection screen, where the scenes of my life as it is, as it was, and as it could be all play out in a random order and seemingly simultaneously...until I jolt awake crying, screaming, or just in plain fear.
I've hidden it well, or so I thought, until last night someone offered me the comfort of shelter. Not the One who Knows...or the One who Should Notice...but just, One who Cares.
As we danced, I kept missing the lead and apologizing. After the third time, he increased the pressure on my back, and said he didn't mind. "Your mind is wandering somewhere...I think it keeps bouncing between your dance and whatever is causing those bags under your eyes," he said. "Don't sweat the following, and if you need a shoulder to cry on, even just while you dance, you know where to find me."
At that moment, you don't know how welcome it was. I couldn't do it, mind you. I need not pull someone else into this rabbit hole with me. But I'm so raw right now, that the idea nearly cracked my fragile shell. I could feel my emotions aching to be heard and just held. Security. Safety. The few things that I can't give myself right now.
I didn't do it though. Aside from it being wrong to use someone like that, I'm on a precarious perch right now. I teeter on the wire, held in place by opposing forces. If one pushes harder than the other, I'll crack...I know I will. the question becomes now - who can exert the greater forces...exterior or the fear I create from my own worries.
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4 comments:
The fears you imagine and create can be more terrible than anything from without.
I hope you find peace soon.
I am like that in many ways. Even when I'm down, it is very hard for other people to notice. The only thing they can notice, is the bouncing of my attention span.
Whenever I'm down, I think that I have this ONE life. This ONE moment to live. Should I spend it feeling down or doing something better with it? I know it doesn't work all the time, but if I consistently think about this, eventually I crawl out of the hole.
Talk to SOMEONE. SOON.
When someone has offered a shoulder, you are not using that person should you accept the shoulder.
Perhaps call him and arrange a quiet, neutral place. And cry on that shoulder. Sometimes getting it off your chest is enough to give you some peace.
I'm with farrago on this one. I think he has the best idea. Go with that, I think it may work out for the best.
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