Thursday, December 15, 2005
Dear (Cyber) Abby:
Now that I can count my readership on TWO hands instead of one, and I know you all to be quite the vocal group, I toss this one out there as a blatant request for advice.
You don't know this, but I'm a rather staid person in my real life. I'm usually very calm, cool, level-headed. Everyone's proverbial "rock" to lean on, if I may borrow a cliche. And I don't mind that. I like knowing I'm helpful to my friends, that they can count on me when they need something.
That said, right now, I'm going through some things that have stretched my patience to its absolute limits! The normally infinite listening ear has found its bounds. I'm crumbling under the weight of my friends' needs and of my own. An in addition, even though all these people open up to me, I don't open up to them, mostly because I don't know them well enough or because I don't trust them to keep my secrets.
There is one person whose opinion truly matters. In fact, I derive the strength to get through much of my day to day bullshit from anticipating the moment when I can fall into his arms. Problem is, I can't. Because when that moment comes, I can't seem to let my guard down. I'm afraid of...well, I don't know what I'm afraid of. Being whiny? Being bitchy? Being needy? Appearing weak? Of just being myself? Of acknowledging that I can't handle it all on my own? Who knows! That's where you come in:
What's the deal? How do I open up to this person? The simple idea of having his arms around me gets me through some of my toughest situations. However, when it comes to asking for his support, I find myself tongue-tied and silent. Even right now, after two glasses of wine, a crappy day, and a series of events that on one hand make me smile and on the other hand hurt like crazy, I couldn't even muster up enough moxie to be angry when he wouldn't come over here when I said I needed him tonight. We've had our share of miscommunications, so I'll take my lumps too...but I digress.
So - your opinions...if you have any... are always welcome. As for me, I'm exhausted. I'm going to go rinse out the wine glass before another glass of Beaujolais calls my name...
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7 comments:
"I'm usually very calm, cool, level-headed"
"Everyone's proverbial "rock" to lean on"
"That said, right now, I'm going through some things that have stretched my patience to its absolute limits!"
Gosh. I think you just described me. I am the usual "fix-it" guy for most of my friends. They can make fun with me (or OF me), but when anything goes wrong and they need advice/ear-to-speak-junk-in, I am their guy.
I am more than eager to help out, but my limits are being reached ... I want some time for myself -- alone-time. Won't go into the details here (will let this still be your blog!)
Anyways, here is my (ME: lots of issues in life!) advice worth less than a penny:
You said it yourself. I think the real reason (well, not so real since I don't know you much!) is that you may be afraid of appearing weak. Everyone has this feeling ... maybe stemming from "Survival of the fittest".
You may never overcome this fear, but you can put it in perspective of yet another fear :-) The one of time running away from us. Time that is once gone, will never return. You see once you are afraid of losing the person over time, you'll stop being afraid of "appearing weak" ;-)
Quoting Pink Floyd (Time):
"The time is gone
The song is over
Thought I'd something more to say"
In my family, growing up, I was always taught to speak out about my feelings. As my mom once said "How else am I going to know you hate the color red if you don't tell me!" And to think, me with a closet full of red shirts.
I know I've lost a lot of great girls in my life because I didn't say anything. I was always too afraid of what they might think, or worst yet, that they would hate me for even suggesting that I might have feelings for them. But because I didn't open up to them, I lost them in a way. One in particular comes to mind really fast, and I kick myself for that.
Open up with this guy. Tell him how and what you feel. let the guard down, even for 5 seconds. Because if he freaks out and hits the dusty trail, was he really worth it in the first place? It sounds like you do trust him, and if your gut tells you that, then tell him that.
But if you hold it in and dance around the subject...your either going to explode, or lose him to somebody else.
That's my opinion.
Letting people in and being vulnerable from time to time are signs of strength, not weakness.
And even if things don't go well, wouldn't you rather try and fail than never try at all?
Dear Advisee,
You have sought advice from us, the wisest three on the Internet. Advice, yes ... advice we have provided. How was it received, the advice? Are you still seeking a different kind of advice? If you have followed the given advice, did any sparks fly as a result of that?
Please let us know.
Your advising committee,
Chloe, Flash & Yoda.
P.S.: Man, I am having major silliness bouts today!!
I address my remarks to the committee as a whole...
(Ouch! Grad school flashback there. *insert Chester Cheetah head shake here*)
Anyway, as I was about to say:
Thanks for the advice. Unfortunately, before I've had the chance to put it to good use, we've had another falling out. Without the whole story, last night ended much sooner than I had planned, and the conversation that ensued was one of raised voices and exasperations instead of hushed tones and explanations.
Oooo... I like that line...I may have to use that one...oh, wait...I just did.
He came here today. He rarely visits, often forgetting I even have this blog, and never comments... but today he came here, to this page, seeking...something. I know not what. Was it insight? Was it more of the same? Did he hope I used my waking hours deep into the night to try and write through the emotions? I don't know.
I appreciate all your advice. A few things:
Chloe:
You're right - I'd rather fail than not try at all, but at this point I almost feel as though I've both tried and failed, and failed by not trying.
Flash:
I never thought I'd spend time in another volatile relationship, yet that is precisely what this has become. He identifies a problem, I think things are fine. He explodes, I pick up the pieces. I suppose that's why I'm afraid to explode...because I don't know that he wants to pick up my pieces.
Which brings me to Yoda:
Catholic though I was, I don't use negative behavior as reverse motivators. I can't feel right about using guilt to get what I want out of someone, or along the same lines, to choose to stop fearing something by indulging the greater fear. It happens too often without my choosing.
So, to answer your questions, sparks flew alright, but not the sparks of my desiring, moreso the sparks of my Irish heritage. Not to mention the afrementioned argument left me pondering other courses of action that I likely shouldn't pursue if I want my point to be heard....
I had planned to post tonight, but this kinda weaves in everything I wanted to say. Maybe after Firefly I'll try again.
Until then,
Claire, the confused
Oh, I'm sorry to hear the sparks weren't of the fun kind :-(
Yeah - me too. :(
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