1, 2, ___, 4, 5, 6

That's what my mix CD is going to look like in a few more weeks. No track 3, because I keep listening to it all the time. The song got stuck in my head more than a month ago, so I downloaded a copy. But now I don't want to get it out of my head because it makes me think of you.

I really am unsure why that is. Perhaps because October is one of my favorite months, or that the song is simply so romantic. Either way, it's in my head. Just as you are.

But there's more - sometimes I hear it and it makes me euphorically happy, smiling and ready to face whatever's next. Other times, mostly at night, I'm more melancholy. Those are usually the nights I've spent curled up with a CD player and tissues.

So why do I hesitate? Just as I deserve a chance at happily ever after, you deserve more as well. Mostly because I need to know I've done it for me, and no one else. So that if/when you decide however long down the line that I'm not the one for you, I don't look back with regrets.

You make me feel safe. I want to bury my head in your shoulder and myself in your arms and just exist, hold and be held and let that be enough. Yet then I think, you deserve a whole person, not someone who's still putting herself together. Or perhaps you're like me in that respect as well - doing better and feeling more comfortable in the role of the fixer and listener than as the one who needs to be held and be heard. And I'm tired of being everyone's superglue.

But to get back to that mix CD - I pulled that one over and one or two others, and let the computer fill the rest, and it's an interesting collection. Alicia Keys, Train, Elvis, Los Lonely Boys, G'n'R...all unknowingly with some comment to make. You should try doing that sometime. Could lend a little to the argument of sentient technology.