Tuesday, January 18, 2005

Stubborn Pride

*Potential TMI Warning*

I'm tired of trying to prove that all women aren't the same. I've waited, I've never nagged, I've been patient, I supported him in everything he's wanted. So why am I now saddled with the feelings of guilt over trying to move on with my life.

Years. Not months, YEARS. That's how long I waited without even bringing up the option. Why? Because "Women nag you about the future." I didn't nag.

Years. That's how long I waited for him to file. Why? Because he was too lazy and I'm not a nag.

Years. That's how long people have said that he doesn't deserve me. Why? Because I'm not your typical woman.

Years. That's how long I've thought maybe there's something more. But I stayed because I thought that maybe, since everything else evolved with time, this would too. And it did - but in the wrong direction.

I don't believe in changing someone. If you have to change them, then do you love them, or the image of them you have all dolled up in your mind? If it's the image, that's not healthy and you're already starting out as a negative. If it's the person, then it's up to you to learn about them, grow with them, change with them, not just change them (unless, of course, you're in that rare case where they ask you to..i.e. they want to stop smoking.) .

Yet I tried to change myself to make this work. And that didn't work. And now we've done nothing but grow apart. I don't have the temper, but I did get a streak of foolish, stubborn pride. I've always taken pride in setting myself apart from others. However, it's time to admit that I'm wrong and he's right, that his theory has become a self-fulfilling prophecy. That whether we nag or not, whether we are patient or have fiery tempers, I'm just like all the rest after all.: I want a future. Keeping my word and waiting to get it is hurting like hell, though.

1 comment:

River said...

No matter what we do, it seems we walk alone.

GREEN DAY LYRICS

"Boulevard Of Broken Dreams"

I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don't know where it goes
But it's home to me and I walk alone

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
and I'm the only one and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah,
Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I'm walking down the line
That divides me somewhere in my mind
On the border line
Of the edge and where I walk alone

Read between the lines
What's f****d up and everything's alright
Check my vital signs
To know I'm still alive and I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk alone

I walk alone
I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone

Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Ah-ah, Aaah-ah
Ah-ah, Ah-ah

I walk alone
I walk a...

I walk this empty street
On the Boulevard of Broken Dreams
Where the city sleeps
And I'm the only one and I walk a...

My shadow's the only one that walks beside me
My shallow heart's the only thing that's beating
Sometimes I wish someone out there will find me
'Til then I walk alone...


[ www.azlyrics.com ]