My Own Worst Critic

I’ve been spending too much time alone with my thoughts lately. It’s that post-holiday return to normal letdown. That sprint from Thanksgiving to New Year’s makes it so easy to keep moving. Even if you don’t have the spirit, which I lost about halfway through December, there’s so much to do and so many places to go and people always want to get together that the holiday inertia keeps you on that keel, whatever your keel may be.
But now that wheel of energy is over, that constant insanity has ended, and I’m left alone with my thoughts far too often. I especially noticed it today. Of course, I didn’t have the healthiest response – I came home and had a beer. On an empty stomach. So now, lightweight that I am, I’m slightly buzzed, but still pissed at myself, so pardon me while I get this out.

I hate myself sometimes. Not the person that I am, but the spineless bastard who I can be. I spend all day anticipating something, only to discover I SUCK at it and can’t do what’s asked of me. Then a situation I thought I had in hand throws itself in my face and it’s not there at all.

But my biggest problem is that I’ve been in a state of self-loathing for the last day and a half over the fact that someone asked me to wait on pulling the trigger on that big decision, and I agreed to it. I don’t want to get into the details here, but it comes down to a parent asked me and I agreed. And now I hate myself. I don’t want to be in that situation. I know what I want, and I want it yesterday. But part of me is still afraid that once that happens, you’ll realize you deserve so much better and leave my ass on the curb. So I’m sitting here alone on a Saturday night, drinking far too much and extolling the virtues of spell-check so this doesn’t look too bad when I finally post it.

So what do I do? Get a glass of wine and consult one of my closest friends for advice. Someone who knows me better than most anyone on this earth. But what does he say? "Sorry, can't talk to you anymore - my girlfriend won't like it. BTW- I did tell you I'm seeing someone, didn't I?" Um, NO! Or I wouldn't have called you! At least not about this one. I respect other people's insecurities, especially when relationships are just starting, so that takes him out of the mix at a rather inopportune time.

Next step, try my other friend just for a pick-me-up. No, she doesn't want to talk about me or my life right now, but I need a splash of her sunny disposition, 'cause I'm so far into that feeling of retreat from the world that I know this isn't good. But that was two hours ago and she hasn't called me back. Knew that would happen, but I had to try.

I'm falling apart and the only way to put it all back together looks like it is to tear it all down and start over. Maybe I should just throw myself into my work, forget this trying to be a real person shit. It's not working for me. This is one of those times I'd rather be a robot without needs cause these needs are killing me. I'm tired of wanting human contact...it makes me feel so young and immature. I'm always the strong one, and now I can't hold myself together? What's up with that? I don't like it at all, and I don't like admitting that all I want to do sometimes is curl up in a ball and bawl my eyes out. It's a side of me I don't like to indulge, much less to show others. But I'm about to lose it, or so it seems.

To recap at this point, I have one friend who can't talk to me because his current girlfriend is the jealous sort, a second with whom I have some sort of detente right now, and a third whose arms I just want to fall into and make it all go away, but can't. What the hell did I do to f-up my timing this badly?