So long, 2007

Should auld acquaintance be forgot.....

Less than 24 hours are left in 2007 at this point, and they can't pass quickly enough. Usually, I don't make New Year's Resolutions because I don't see the difference between making a change on one day or another. I don't put much stock in life changing because a clock chimed midnight. However, this year, I'm so desperate that I'll take anything.

2007 has tried to wrench every last drop of life out of me, and it's made quite the run. I've dealt with the bulk of it offline.... most of it personal enough, cuts that swipe so deep that I don't even have the desire to try and disguise them for the purposes of a blog. But I can sum it up in a few words. Tonight, I sit alone typing this in my house. A series of choices have put me here, and I know that. I'm just not happy with it, and the choices I've made to try to change that have left me even more alone. That, however, is another dissertation for another post.

That said, here's 2007 by the numbers:

2 - very important people in my life who moved away. And by moved away, I mean beyond week-end roadtrip distance.

5 - couples who got engaged

1 - amazingly fun wedding

1 - amazingly random wedding

4 - cupcakes that led to an awesome friendship

6 (at least) - fantabulous people to whom I've grown closer than I ever realized, and whom I should thank for helping me keep my sanity

2 - rooms repainted in my house as I searched for that sanity

25 - pairs of shoes now in my new organizer

3 - days it took me to clean out the two upstairs bedrooms so that I could have people over again

10 - out of town destinations I hit this year... I think.... destinations only, not states I flew over on the way

10 + the District - states I drove through in a U-Haul getting my friend to her new job

3 - days I spent in NYC trying to see an art exhibit that wasn't meant to be.

3 - hours spent at an amazing art exhibit here at home

1 - dance weekend organized

1 - family member's passing

3 - funerals attended

2 - jobs I still work

1 - Christmas ever spent alone in my lifetime, and this was it

1 - Midnight kiss I won't get on New Years Eve.

so many I can't count:

• unsolicited rude comments from strangers
• people who think they can run my life better than I can
• broken heart moments
• bad dreams
• sleepless nights
• pictures taken
• memories made
• memories relived
• hours spent trying to unravel my thoughts from their Gordian knot into a straight piece of mental twine

And

1 - person who made it all worth it

1 - person I want to spend next New Year's Eve with

So long, 2007. Here's to a better year ahead for all. Salute!

An Unaddressed Letter with Your Answers

I want their input on where our lives are going. I want to see
their ideas on our future. I admit I am too quick to spout out ideas and dreams, and they are listened to with patient ears. But I am ready to know what is expected of me. Tell me. Ask me. Demand of me. I want to
know.

My ears may be patient, but my mind is not. For every time I bite my lip so as not to pressure you, I have 10 thoughts of where life could go. All I know for certain is that I want you by my side as it unfolds. You should know me well enough to know, I do not make demands. Do not expect that to change in the present situation. You are a person with much on your plate. I am happy right now with what I can get, but there will be more. There will be a time in the future when I am figured into the equation. Until then, I don't know that I can ask for this outright, but in my world, here's what I want.

I want a ring. I want the promise that the future holds. I want a white dress and a flower girl and a ring bearer and crowds of family and friends saying how happy they are. I want well wishes and the hope of tomorrow.

I want stability. I want to know that this time is mine and that time is yours. I want my rock to stop rolling and to stay in one place. When I am in need, I want to know you'll be there, no question. I want you to know you have me always, thick or thin. I want the privilege of being able to ask your time be devoted to me. I want you to ask that my time be for you.

I want experience. I want you to teach me to kayak. I want to teach you the arts. I want to seek out things we've never done and learn them together, one step at a time, and to laugh with each other each step of the way. I want to experience love at its fullest.

I want bravery. You give me the courage I lack. I want to step forward with you and try things that I, myself, am sure to fail. I want to know that you are here. Not there. Here.

I want family. I want love. I want it all. And I want to share it all with you. Sounds easy, yes?

So that's just a glimmer of the many places my mind goes. I have plans. I have ideas. And perhaps, next Christmas, they will be more than just dreams.

Merry Christmas, dear.

I'm Mobile!!!!

Yay me! I have finally broken down and purchased that piece of sanity known as a laptop. I'm still getting used to the posture and all, but after spending the last 2 days locked in a battle with both the wireless router and a mouse I've not-so-affectionately named Squeaky and Co., I can't say how thrilled I am to have something WORK!

We'll attack Squeaky in another post.

Stage or Screen?

Okay, okay... I've been gone for a while. I've been writing, they've just been long and involved emails to my friend's new girlfriend talking about the meaning of life and the timing of love and all the deep, thought provoking things I used to write here, but I've been too tired to copy over for your reading interest.

Anyway, Farrago has been badgering me to return to the pixel pages that are my blog... and I was strting to formulate a good return post. Had it all in my head, then went to read his tag.... and it's a meme. No worries. I'll just have to let the other idea stew a while longer....

Popcorn? or Candy?

Popcorn, hands down! There's NOTHING like that movie theater popcorn all sogged down in ooey-gooey butter... mmmmm. And then finding that one kernel so damp it's dripping and the butter has soaked all the way through.... Oh, sorry... are you still reading? Back to business.

Name a movie you've been meaning to see forever.

Um, just about anything that the rest of the world has already seen... I'm not a big movie person, so I'm always WAAAAAY behind. But I guess I'd have to say... The Graduate?


Steal one costume from a movie for your wardrobe.

Oooo... so many choices, so little time to wear them all... I tend to go for mvies that really don't have iconic costumes, and those that do I'd not want to add to my wardrobe. So I'll have to say anything worn by Juliette Moore in The End of the Affair. I do so love period pieces, the 40s attire accentuates my waist, and hats are my forte.

Your favorite film franchise is…

Star Wars, hands down. Unless you can count John Hughes' 80s movies or John Cusack's 80s movies.

Invite 5 movie characters over for dinner. Who are they and why did you invite them?

This question really makes me wish I watched more movies....

Rob Gordon from High Fidelity. I'd love to quiz him and listen to his music tracklists for any occasion over the evening.
Inara from Serenity. Okay, this one is cheating - I'm actually basing the question on her character in Firefly, but she's in a movie playing the same character, so all is good.
Princess Buttercup from The Princess Bride . 20 years have passed since her true love came to town. How'd she fare?
Christian from Moulin Rouge - to learn how to live without the love that slipped through your fingers.
And the last comes in a pair - Jesse and Celine from Before Sunrise because I think I could learn so much from their story.

Wow - too much talking and not enough action. Oh well.


What is the appropriate punishment for people who answer cell phones in the movie theater?

Stealing their popcorn and drink while they're gone (or turning them over to their movie companion, should they have one) and forcing them to mortgage their home and sign away their first-born to pay for a second set of movie concessions at those over-inflated prices.

Choose a female bodyguard:

Um...Angelina Jolie! Really! Is there a doubt?

What's the scariest thing you've seen in a movie?

The logic that shows most large corporations fit the WHO criteria for a psychopath. Yeah, sad that a documentary fits here, but I don't watch scary movies.

Your favorite genre (excluding “comedy” and “drama” ):
Historical fiction

You are given the power to greenlight movies at a major studio for one year.
I would find three big blockbusters and make them - one to release at the start of summer, one at July 4th and one at Christmas. Those would finance everything else I did for a year. Then I'd go find all the Oscar contenders that no one wanted, the movies that tell a story and that could make a difference. The art film, the period pieces, the biographies and the quirky comedies that people don't know they want to see because they never get made.

Bonnie or Clyde?
Thelma and Louise!

In Case of Emergency Remix

Evidently being single and alone in my workplace is not an option.

Those forms I had to fill out were returned to me this week, with a little post-it note that said "Please fill in"

With what? Or more to the point, with whom?

Is it no longer socially acceptable to be a single female in this workplace? What are you supposed to do if you just don't have anyone you're that close to? I'm sorry, but the people closest to me are the people farthest from me... or they're so absent minded they wouldn't remember where I live or anything else about me. Good hearted souls, but the mind... not all there.

So I scrolled through my inbox and picked one. She's a newcomer, but I know she would at least know who to ask to get the info she would need. And she's on better terms than I am right now.

Once again, I beat the system

When?

When is a broken heart more than a broken heart? No, it's not a riddle.. I don't have a smart aleck answer stuffed up my sleeve somewhere. It's a question that was posed to me earlier today, albeit not in as many words. It was the kernel of contemplation that I took away from a conversation filled with queries.

Usually, I at least have a theory on these things, but this one truly hit me out of the blue. A friend's actions disappointed me immensely. And while I've forgiven him the actions, it still hurts that he is willing to sacrifice our friendship over things that we should be able to weather without issue. I called him friend. I trusted him. A trust and a kindness that has been repaid with strained silence when I needed him most, when I just need people around whom I can be myself.

Tonight I was called out on the strength of my reaction. Was there more to us than met the eye? Which led to a deeper conversation that boiled down to this: Friends can break your heart... sometimes harder than a lover. So when is a broken heart more than a broken heart?

In Case of Emergency, Please Call...

...No one.

I was at work today, filling out the annual update on our "on the job emergency" contact forms and it occurred to me. I don't have an Emergency Contact.

Sure, my parents can fill the secondary slot, but they're at least five hours away should anything happen. There is now officially no one in town whom I trust enough, care for enough, and whom I believe would care enough and know enough about me to be listed as my primary contact.

The one who filled that slot for so many years is now 500 miles away starting over. The friend who took his place last year - now 800 miles away. And the one who just two weeks ago could have filled that void in a pinch, now no longer speaking to me.

No wonder I've felt like an interloper for a while now. No wonder I feel this city is so foreign. It's all making sense now.

80s Video Game Deathmatch

Now that I have your attention...

We all have our own analogies for life. Life is like a garden... an airplane....a busy highway...a shopping mall. Driving home tonight, I came up with a new one. Life is like....a 1980s video arcade.

Think about it...

Sometimes, life is Ms Pac Man - day after day, eating the dots, doing what's expected and avoiding the trouble that's on your tail. However, every once in a while (4 times per board), you get the chance to turn on those who chase you, have your shining moment in the sun, and get your revenge before you move back on, eating the dot dot dot dot dot dot dot.


Sometimes, life is Donkey Kong - You climb the ladder, only to find out it doesn't take you where you want to be. So you shift lanes/patterns/paths/ideas and climb another, to find something coming right at you when you get there. And every once in a while, just when you think you've got the bait and switch routine down pat, the Universe throws a temper tantrum and stomps on your plans, shifting them all in a domino fashion and you begin again from round one.

Sometimes, life is Galaga - you have all the fire power you want, but you can only move in one plane, while the forces acting against you can move in two. It takes some artful moves to survive those days.

Sometimes, life is Jungle Hunt - You're swinging, back and forth, over the pitfalls. One false move and *chomp* you're dinner! Then you get on solid ground, only to have boulders come hurling themselves at you to trip you up. The decision being....jump? Or Crouch?

Sometimes life is Frogger - well . . . there's no comparison needed there. Life really *is* Frogger!

Sometimes life is Double Dragon - you and a trusted companion versus the world. Times you can defeat all comers, and at times, the world gets you.

Right now, my work life is Ms Pac Man and my personal life is Jungle Hunt. What did I leave out? And what is yours?

While we're sharing...

...I want to share one more thing I read this week... Here's a little taste:

Tangoing Cheek to Cheek for 3 Minutes in the Park

It was a sultry 6 p.m. in Central Park, and over by the 1872 Shakespeare
statue at Literary Walk, melancholy rhythms spilled from two speakers propped up on park benches.

Courtenay Nugent rose. He asked Fran Beaumont to dance. There they
were: the two it took to tango.

They moved sensually across the asphalt pavers, counterclockwise around
the monument, under a coquettish breeze and what was to become a limitless
starry sky and an oblong moon. As dozens of onlookers watched over the next
three hours, about 50 couples swayed to the steps of the dance that has been
called a three-minute love affair.

The New York Times played this article front and center on their home page Friday. It's amazingly refreshing to know that one of the remaining bastions of journalism can find room for amazing writing and intriguing storytelling...WITHOUT squirreling it away in the recess of its web pages.

Thank you, NYTimes.com Now if only the rest of the journalistic world could follow suit.

Sunday Commentary

I know that in America we are indeed VERY lucky to have a separation of church and state...something most of us take for granted. However, this one takes the cake.

As of next month, China has banned Buddhist monks in Tibet from reincarnating without government permission.

It's a political move, of course. What isn't these days... Now, tell me... who can control their next life from this one? And if you can, why aren't you doing more either (1) in this life to ensure a better next life, or (2) to rig the lottery so your future self can give half to charity and STILL have no worries whatsoever?

Just sayin'...

Shutting Down

I had a good run there for a while...I was on a roll. but now, I feel myself shutting down. Just turning off my interest in anything in my own life. Turning off feelings, turning off desires, just turning off and tuning out.

I find myself not sure how to live. I go to work, I push myself to excel there. However, when I get home,I don't know what to do. What does the world want from me, and what do I want from it? I've lived so little of my life for myself, and it's a hard pattern to break. I mentioned earlier about the whole new volume theory? Well, this one is starting out a lot like the last one...this week alone, I spent one night helping a friend assemble items for her work, I was late to a birthday party because I was trying to help keep it a surprise, I spent my Friday night helping a friend with something, and I spent today doing the same. I don't know how to live what I want because what I want is to make those closest to me, happy. Problem being, that's what got me in the hole that became the Grand Canyon from which I am now trying to extract myself. It's a fine line of who I am versus taking it to an extreme.

But, there has to be a bright side, right? I mean, at least I'm not starting this volume tied to railroad tracks in a hoop skirt like some damsel in distress......

Le sigh

Sometimes I can run, and sometimes I run but I don't mean to. Either way, life still catches up with me.

I didn't blog last night because I was just way too busy. I went to work, then left and went to our local arts council for a few hours, then off to fix a water leak in the ex-b-f's house....because he's out of the state!... and then dancing and a phone call to another night owl that by the time all was done...I was too tired to type.

On one hand, the universe will take care of me. Randomly, a friend from DC to whom I've never considered myself close sent me a text in the afternoon. Then she called as I dealt with the whole house issue thing. Which was likely an amazing thing since I would probably have walked around in that empty house one last time, looking at it like I did before she called. Remembering things as they were, imagining things as they could have been.

It's starting to hit me that he's gone. In part because it's been some time now, and in part because he's starting to treat me like everyone else. When I called to wish him a happy birthday, he simply said, "Call me later."

Right now, the big thing to me is that there's no one who even cares to hear the mundanities (is that a word? Well, if not, it is now!) of my daily life. The little things that make one day stand out from the rest. That's probably a good thing right now though, because I'm noticing that there really is nothing to make each day stand out from the rest. It's a simple attempt to keep living and make my mark in the world out of both selfish and selfless pursuits. I've always tried to be selfless and give as much of myself as I can to others because it makes them happy. but now that I'm quite solitary, I find myself having a slightly ulterior motive. If I make people happy, maybe someone will notice when I'm not? Maybe someone will see that I'm here? Or will no one notice that day that I don't feel I can pull myself out of bed. I want someone to see me. Just a little. Tonight, I felt remarkably invisible. I went out to a friend's birthday dinner, and I think I said maybe three lines the entire conversation. And no one cared. This I know because I managed to say goodbye to the birthday girl, but my goodbyes to the rest of the crowd (all 5 of them) went unacknowledged.

Yes, I'm feeling sorry for myself tonight. I'm sorry. Please feel free to skip this entry, but I need to get it out somewhere and as I've said, I have no ear to bend.

What's your sign?

I'm a Libra, but my honest answer would have to be, "Yield." I've always given in to other people's desires, and two have held a particular amount of sway. If you read the previous post, you know that they're both gone.

My best friend has moved to a town 800 miles from door to door, a town whose name has as many vowels as it does consonants. She's the one that believes in signs, but I tell ya, after the last three days, it may be rubbing off on me a bit too.

Sunday, I had no more gotten in my car at the airport, than my cell phone rings. A friend of mine who NEVER calls me, wanting to watch a movie and drink some wine. I declined, having just gotten into town and all. Then I went to the grocery store, where I ran into three people I knew (and no, they weren't all together). I NEVER run into anyone I know at the store. Period!

Monday afternoon, an old friend came back into my life unexpectedly. Mark, the man about whom I blogged this randomness a few years back, works for a company that supports a program I use at work. So he ended up transferred to my extension. The conversation was brief and professional, but there's still that extra flash of thinking I'd never hear from him again. Then I came home, and a cat tried to adopt me, a black one at that. I have a certain affinity for black animals, mostly because I know the superstition still runs deep in these parts.

Today, the little things continued to add up. An evening at trivia with a new friend....coffee with two more where I unexpectedly ran into yet another.... This means one of two things..

1) The universe is pinging me over the head to say "You'll be okay...trust me" (And if that's the case, then maybe we really ARE someone's version of SIMS, as suggested in The Times this morning....)

or

2) I should have called this post "I NEVER..."

Since I'd have to both change the title AND alter the first paragraph of this post if that were the case, I think I'm forced to choose #1.

Can I cry yet?

Life can't be summed up in a paragraph or five....or even as a book. At best, a well-told life story would fill volumes, a series of books dog-eared and finger-worn from being read and re-read to generations as they go. It's not often that you are fully aware that you are about to put pen to paper (or fingers to keyboard), armed with the knowledge that you're about to write the next volume.

The last month has been a whirlwind of change for me. The best way to put it... the people to whom I've devoted the last 10 years of my life - my ex-boyfriend and my best friend - have both moved away. 10 years of living departed my life in the span of 10 days. I just got back from moving her out, and now, it seems, the next phase of my life will start.

But do I want it to? And how do I live it?

Stepping off the plane to return home tonight, it hit me. I am alone. No one cares that I survived the hell that is traveling our nation's airlines these days. There's no one to call and share the little joys and victories in life.

And that scares me.

It all hit me when I got home. Hit me so hard that I blew off my plans for the night and stayed in to talk to my ex on the phone. Turns out, he loved me more when I had no emotions...more than he does now when I tell him how much I miss him.

Which leads me to the question of the night. Can I cry now? Will anyone notice?

Things I Noticed This Weekend

I don't think that I ever have to worry about becoming an alcoholic. I'm a social drinker, and I will have a drink when I'm home if I feel like I'm in the mood for that flavor. But this weekend, I noticed that the worse things get, the less likely I am to want to touch alcohol. I have yet to go on what a friend of mine calls "The Breakup Bender" and the same bottle of wine has been in my refrigerator for weeks now.

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That said, Mango Vodka is too sweet, unless it's had from the freezer with Tom Collins mix.

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I went to my first Jewish wedding this weekend. Although I didn't understand everything (obviously), one thing I really did like was that the couple spent 95% of the ceremony facing those who had come to see them get married. I think I know where it comes from - the bigger emphasis on community versus the closed doors of the family unit - but there's something I like about embracing the community versus standing with your back to the people you've invited to share this special moment.

To me, if they're important enough to share the moment, they shouldn't be looking at her veil and his hair. It's only through the support of others when times get rough that you get through the rough times. So that was an aspect that just struck me.

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I can't tell if my dancing is getting better or worse. Or maybe it's just that I danced with different people and therefore taxed different elements of my abilities. Who knows.

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If you ever dance with me, don't try to lead with my hair!

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If we call raw fish, sushi...what do sharks call raw humans?

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Caveat - since we call sushi after the rice and not the fish, what would we have to be wrapped in for sharks to have a name for raw humans?

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I could BATHE in sunscreen and it wouldn't be enough. There will always be one spot that gets scorched - at least on a person with my complexion.

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Karaoke is even better in large groups. Sometimes it doesn't even need music...just a handful of people who can't get a song out of their head.

Answering a rhetorical question

A slightly deeper post this evening...and I welcome your feedback as well. So sit back, grab a tall one, or a cold one, or a shaken or stirred one, and join the discussion.

For weeks now, a friend has been asking the question, "If you do the right thing for the wrong reasons, is it still right?" He asks everyone he knows, and doesn't offer his own opinion, because he's truly looking for the answer. Everytime he has asked me, I've looked backwards for the answer. I've tried to rationalize different instances where things turned out to be right, or say that it depended on from whose point of view the "right" is determined.

Last night, it hit me. It's not a question of hindsight. It's a question of belief. Not in God or Allah or Vishnu...but in one's own decisions.

When faced with a decision, if you truly choose that which you think is right, you do so because you believe it. "Reasons" do not enter the picture. You do it because you believe it is right, and that IS your reason. Reflection in retrospect allow one to start picking the decision apart, saying, "I thought X and Y so that must be why I chose Z" But at the time, did any of those reasons really cross your mind?

I doubt it.

Opinions? The doctor is in and open for business!

Stereotype...busted!

Road rage doesn't discriminate. ANYONE can get pissed at the way people drive these days.

Want proof? I got some this afternoon.

So I'm leaving Target and sitting that the red light behind a new Ford Five Hundred with a handicapped placard and an elderly couple inside. (Note - I'm very cautious with the use of elderly...but these both had grey hair and gnarled fingers, so I believe I'm accurate here.)

The light turns green. The Ford doesn't move. I'm in no rush, so I wait...however, when no one moves, the sensor trips rather quickly and it's back to red. Okay - one light cycle down. I keep sitting.

The light turns green. The Ford doesn't move. I'm starting to wonder if everything is pkay in the car ahead of me. That and I'm getting ever so slightly impatient (Hey - I can admit my shortcomings!). So I honk the horn.

The brakelights on the Ford go off. As it starts to roll forward, the man at the wheel and his female companion turn to look at me, and the man flips me off!

So much for kindy older gentlemen in the South!

A Clean Sweep

Sometimes I hate to admit Mom was right. It's just part of being human..but this is one of those times I have to tip my hat. Or in this case, my glass.

It amazes me, the calming effect a clean house can have...

The last few months have been ones of absolute upheaval in my life. Topsy-turvy craziness ruled my mind, and my actions, and by extension, my house. Bills got paid, then piled...rather than filed. Clothes cluttered nooks and crannies. Crafts took over the living room, because the kitchen table had been consumed by that notorious paper tiger.

Finally, I'd had enough. That's it! I started with the front door – installed a new one. Most people spent Memorial Day weekend by the lake or the pool. I spent it taming that tiger. The next weekend, I tackled the kitchen. Cleared the counters, the cabinets, the top of the fridge, you name it. Top to bottom clean. Bathrooms too – all three of ‘em.

Next – the living room. Furniture moved, crafts put away...I’ve bought organizational aids and a DVD tower to make it all have a place. And voila...a home uncluttered is a home rediscovered. I was quite embarrassed by the appearance of my home and my state of mind. No one had come over in months. In the last few weeks, I’ve had a dinner party, people over for drinks, and for conversation. It’s just nice! And calming – I don’t feel anxiety crawl up my spine every time I walk in the house anymore. A liberating feeling!

One floor down, one to go. The upstairs still needs lots of work. I’m going through my closet right now, making donations to Goodwill and Salvation Army. Then I’ll tackle the rest of the room. And the computer room, well, I need a shredder and a WEEK to get that taken care of. But I’ll start where I can and go from there. After all, That’s a door I can close.

So here’s to Mom. You were right – a clean house IS more important that I ever gave it credit for. But I draw the line at your old tricks of covering the bed in a project that needs completion. After all, I need SOMETHING to call my own way of doing things!

For the Sunset

Every life needs a witness,
each heart, a listening ear
All weighted minds need a way to escape
so the person inside can take his own shape.

Some have voices that scream to be heard,
their message cried loud and clear.
Some have whispers so quiet and small
their message gets lost in the din of it all.

Regardless of volume, of timbre, of tone,
each thought could spark new fear.
That's why every person who truly pays attention
needs an outside party without condescention

to listen, understand, and uncover the meaning
that's hidden behind each tear.
And with every query seeming to scratch at your soul...
know my only objective is to help you be whole.

I'm thrilled that hope is now in your heart
and liberation feels so near.
And when time and shame no longer bind you,
all I ask...please glance behind you

and remember me standing in your shadows
proud of how you appear,
watching hope spring eternal in the dreams of your heart
as you take first steps for life to start.

Told ya I'm Royalty!

I'm branching out to other blogs again and this morning I went to Clarity of Night. Jason had posted a What Tarot Card are you? test, and we all know my affinity for those little click and tell tests! So I took it. The Result:

I am the Empress: I can't get the code to copy and paste out of a tabbed browser, so I'll have to type out the info. Forgive me for not offering the cool tarot card picture...

You are The Empress
Beauty, happiness, pleasure, success, luxury, dissipation.
The Empress is associated with Venus, the feminine planet, so it represents, beauty, charm, pleasure, luxury, and delight. You may be good at home decorating, art or anything to do with making things beautiful.
The Empress is a creator, be it creation of life, of romance, of art or business. While the Magician is the primal spark, the idea made real, and the High Priestess is the one who gives the idea a form, the Empress is the womb where it gestates and grows till it is ready to be born. This is why her symbol is Venus, goddess of beautiful things as well as love. Even so, the Empress is more Demeter, goddess of abundance, then sensual Venus. She is the giver of Earthly gifts, yet at the same time, she can, in anger withhold, as Demeter did when her daughter, Persephone, was kidnapped. In fury and grief, she kept the Earth barren till her child was returned to her.

What Tarot Card are You?

Take the Test to Find Out.

Eureka!

Driving home tonight, I came to a rather odd realization. I think I understand a little more why someone would have a (sober) one-night stand.

When you're drunk, it's one thing. The objective is purely to obtain some part of a member of the opposite sex - his phone number, his tie, his jacket, et cetera. The physical things paired with alcohol - well, we all know what road that travels down. But I'm sober. So where does that leave me?

Tonight, I just didn't want to come home alone. I just didn't want to walk into an empty house and sleep in an empty bed. I've never had the luxury of companionship when we were dating. Yes, a twisted thing, but I was ok with it...I think because I knew it was my choice not to be held or rescued or saved...because I knew it just wasn't right. But now, as times get hard, I don't want to be here alone.

For some people, that need is stronger than for others, and the greater the need, the greater the measures it takes to fill it. My needs are simply cravings...I don't want the sex. I don't want a stranger. However, tonight I would gladly trade emotional strength and pride for comfort. That said, I won't do it, and I'll sleep alone.

Good night

Tag...I'm it!

A new post from yours truly...

Life's roller coaster has taken me through so many highs and lows in the last month that I can't even keep track of them. I'll try to write through some of them just to clear my head now that the dust is starting to settle. But until then, our friend Farrago has tagged me for a music meme. A good excuse to get into a very easy, lighthearted post.

I'm supposed to pick seven songs I am into for whatever reason, tell you why I am into them, and then tag seven others to shame them to do the same. Of course, I don't have enough readers at this point to TAG seven other people, so I'll hit the ones I can when I'm through.

1: Got My Mojo Workin' by The Asylum Street Spankers. A great, slow, bluesy version of this Muddy Waters classic. And I'm all about dancin' the blues. Yes, dancin'...not singing....it's an amazing skill I'm trying to pickup

2: Word Up by Willis. Remember the 80s song by Cameo..."Wave your hands in the air like you don’t care, glide by the people as they start to look and stare. Do you dance, do your dance quick Mama, come on baby, tell me what’s The Word, ah – word up, Everybody say when you hear the call You got to get it underway, Word up, it’s the code word, No matter where you say it, You’ll know that you’ll be heard.

3: My Dear Country by Norah Jones. Just went to hear her in concert a few weeks back and I hadn't listened all that closely to her new album. But hearing this one in person really drives it home.

4: You Know that I'm No Good by Amy Winehouse. This voice shouldn't come from this woman...and if she keeps up her lifestyle, there's a chance it won't for too many more years. But I love her album...and it was a tossup between this one and Rehab, so I went for the not-yet-single. At least over here.

5: Your Man by Josh Turner. It invokes the old country music feel of the songs I grew up listening to, and here lately I find myself fishing back for that familiar feeling. His voice is amazing. And when it comes down to it, I just want someone to feel this way about me.

6: Hold On by Sarah McLachlan. There have to be a couple of classic faves on this list, and this song has gotten me through plenty of hard times. It's a cry for help, a cry for sanity, a cry just to be crying and a plea for strength and love all rolled into one. Damn...now THAT's a song!

7: For number seven I'll go for a kooky cover that everyone needs to hear at least once. Tori Amos' version of Smells Like Teen Spirit. As crazy as it is, it sums up the teen angst of the 90s for me. Angry song with the feeling and emotion simmering just under the surface, slowly drawing it all to a head of quiet desperation that ebbs into dark despair and abandoned reality. I used to love watching her rock on the piano bench and belt this one out on MTV. Yep - teen rebellion for the non-confrontational set!

Okay - so who to tag. Hmm... If you've already been hit, ignore me

Flash
Ultra
Scott
Schprock
and my reader whose blog isn't quite public yet. (Let me know if I can ever send folks your way, btw)

Insomnia has its privileges

Sleep? Who needs sleep? I’m starting to see it as a luxury. I get so much more done in the middle of the night.

But more importantly, I see things I don’t normally see. About myself…and elsewhere.

If you haven’t taken a second, go out tonight and look at the moon. It’s nearly full….and fully amazing!

Aiming at a moving target

I don't know about you, but when you think about space flight, I think aerodynamics...re-enry angles...shuttles and capsules and space stations. But here's one I hadn't thought of before... How do you pray toward Mecca when Mecca's always on the move?

Chew on that one a second.

You see, Malaysia is about to send their first astronaut to go live on the International Space Station for a few months. The astronaut, like much of the nation, is a practicing Muslim...among whose beliefs require prayer, facing Mecca, five times a day. That can be a problem when you're lapping the Earth.

The country plans to cut the astronaut a little slack....announcing that the direction of prayers be judged as well as possible, and that an astronaut in space during Ramadan can choose to follow the fast according to an Earth clock, or can make up the fast upon their return.

While I find this interesting, it reinforces to me the main conversation last time I went out of town....the idea of religion as a construct of man that allows for the understanding of God. These guidelines of Islam reinforce the solidity of the holy city of Mecca as a stabilizing force in the lives of practitioners living in a tumultuous region. Guidelines never considering the idea man may slip the bond of Earth and travel to the rest of creation. No, I'm not saying that religion is "The Man" keeping people down...just that the idea of a man hurling around Mecca brings into clarity the concept that the church is a creation of mankind designed to maintain a power structure of one form or another. Just as the idea of the Catholic Church, created to maintain the wealth and power and dominance of rich over poor. Or, you know, the way the Earth is fixed and life revolve around it. Right?

Speak now...or forever hold your peace

I attended a wedding yesterday that was quite a joyous affair. I've not been to a wedding this happy in quite a long time - usually there's some flavor of drama going around that tinges the sweetness of the day with the tart pangs of jealousy or family secrets. Not so this time. However, a few things also struck me that I felt like sharing.

1) Something the pastor did say - One of his first comments was that Eve was taken from Adam's Rib... not his feet so she could be walked on; not his hand so she could be held down, not his back so she could follow...but under his arm, so she could be protected, from his side so she could stand as his equal, his companion. That was an interesting way to look at things I thought. Yeah yeah, you guys have heard it all before, but given the ceremony I was in and the mix of Baptist and Episcopalian, I was suprprised that made the cut.

2) Something the pastor didn't say: Nowhere in the ceremony was there any variation on "if anyone aming us knows reason this man and this woman should not be joined in holy matrimony, speak now or forever hold your peace" bit. Possibly because there was no reason whatsoever for anyone to have anything against these two wonderful people, but more than likely because everyone knew coming in, were they to say a word, they'd be in TROUBLE with a capital T!

3) Something the couple did: It's the first time in years I've seen a ceremony include jumping the broom!

4) Something said in a toast: This was the one that really hit me. One of the bride's best friends (the matron of honor) said that God in His wisdom had created him for her and her for him, knowing before the hour of their births what would be the hour of their marriage. Wow! Talk about pre-destination! The Gentleman upstairs has His own agenda, that's true, but I just can't cotton any belief that our lives are SO predetermined that no matter what decisions we make, it's all going to go according to that hour-by-hour plan. To me, that means He knows not only that we will make mistakes (which we do cause we're not perfect), but which mistakes we will make, and how long it will take us to realize we're making a mistake, atone, and find the path He chose again. That just doesn't wash with me.

I bet if we could sneak a peek at His cosmic road map, there's a lot of roads doubling and tripling back on each other as we receive second and third and fourth chances to achieve the happiness we could have. Remind me not to drive that Spaghetti Junction without a GPS and Google Maps!

Are we there yet, Papa Smurf?

Random observance:

Blue nail polish is fun!

That's it...back to life as usual.

Supreme Court makes a mistake

At least, in my opinion they did.

(disclaimer: I wrote this on Tuesday when the decision came down - please keep that in mind when looking at the time references)

Today, the justices of the nation's High court entered the abortion debate through a different door. Instead of trying to regulate the availability, the Court, for the first time, made a ruling that regulates the medical procedure itself. In Gonzales v. Carhart, the Supreme Court upheld a ban on partial-birth abortions. The Washington Post does a wonderful job of explaining the issue and the ruling.

The logic behind it was:
1) The law at issue doesn't tell women they can not get an abortion, only which procedure they can not have;
2) and it leaves other procedures available to women;
3) and it will only impact a small portion of the women in America who choose abortion;
4) therefore it will not fly in the face of Roe v Wade and is constitutional.

I can't say that I agree. Stepping outside the abortion debate and the firsts for the Court in that arena, let's look at this for a second. Today's decision has now allowed the Supreme Court to legislate medicine in this country. If the justices can be convinced through a strong legal argument that a certain form of chemotherapy is undesireable, or that a certain surgery isn't being regulated properly by the AMA, they now have precedent to step in. This bothers me.

Doctors have peer review to govern their acts because peers know the profession, the risks, the new technology, and the history of failures and successes. Laywers have the same. As do any number of professional groups who are better off being regulated by their comrades than their government. Even a federal appeals court agreed last week, saying they had no constitutional right to step into the debate over mercury in dental fillings just because one group didn't think the FDA was taking the claims seriously.

The Supreme Court has bypassed the clamoring media circus at the gates and entered the abortion debate from a side door. I only hope that this ruling doesn't send safe and honest service providers slinking out the back door.

Square peg, round hole....

Wow, am I behind! The last week or so has been a whirlwind, to say the least. So please, forgive me so many posts at once, but there were a few I wrote in email and never did publish, so there will be a few popping in tonight. I'll start, though, with the one that I still have bouncing around in my head.

This time last week, I was on my way to Washington, DC. It's a great place to visit, and once upon a time, I wanted to live there. Then I didn't. Now I wonder again how I would fare, as DC seems to be an elixir for this troubled mind.

Every time I go there, I feel like I hit the reset button. My troubles seem to vanish for a few days, even when they can find me on my cell. I have an amazing time...but more importantly... I "fit." It's not that I fit IN, because that's a challenge anyone can tackle anywhere. I just feel like I "fit." The conversations go up a notch...pinging and ponging from the best lines in Monty Python and the Search for the Holy Grail...to religion as an evolutionary construct (great article...check it out! I'm only part of the way through it, but the idea is both plausible and fascinating!) And this wasn't the first time it happened.....I feel this way every time I come back.
So to me the question becomes, it is the people I meet, or the place itself, or just the fact that I'm on vacation? If I did move, though, there are some people I would take with me just to make the place perfect. Wonder how they feel about Northern Virginia suburbs....

Contradiction of Terms

Spotted this license plate in my rear-view mirror on the way to work this morning:

Save the Earth.

The vehicle sporting it?

An H2

People kill me!

I tried....and it doesn't work

You're right...I do need to take someone up on the offer of just listening. Problem is finding someone who's not going to be disappointed in me. Or offended by me. Or judge me.

Be glad I didn't blog yesterday - it was a rough one - but after a long long weekend of tension and strife, I thought I had that person. She reached out to me and let me cry. I hadn't said anything because I feared disappointing her. I thought perhaps I wouldn't.

Wrong.

Today, I discovered things are right back to normal. She is an "act-now-think-later" person. I'm the opposite. But for her, if I'm not immediately taking steps to rectify my situation (and trying to figure out where to go from here doesn't count) then I'm nothing. But I already knew that one anyway.

Aack. I can't seem to win.

Gimme Shelter

With each passing day, the sleep deficit grows. I close my eyes, and my body relaxes, but the brain cannot. Instead, the backs of my eyelids become a projection screen, where the scenes of my life as it is, as it was, and as it could be all play out in a random order and seemingly simultaneously...until I jolt awake crying, screaming, or just in plain fear.

I've hidden it well, or so I thought, until last night someone offered me the comfort of shelter. Not the One who Knows...or the One who Should Notice...but just, One who Cares.

As we danced, I kept missing the lead and apologizing. After the third time, he increased the pressure on my back, and said he didn't mind. "Your mind is wandering somewhere...I think it keeps bouncing between your dance and whatever is causing those bags under your eyes," he said. "Don't sweat the following, and if you need a shoulder to cry on, even just while you dance, you know where to find me."

At that moment, you don't know how welcome it was. I couldn't do it, mind you. I need not pull someone else into this rabbit hole with me. But I'm so raw right now, that the idea nearly cracked my fragile shell. I could feel my emotions aching to be heard and just held. Security. Safety. The few things that I can't give myself right now.

I didn't do it though. Aside from it being wrong to use someone like that, I'm on a precarious perch right now. I teeter on the wire, held in place by opposing forces. If one pushes harder than the other, I'll crack...I know I will. the question becomes now - who can exert the greater forces...exterior or the fear I create from my own worries.

A Slice of the Morning

7:50am - out of the shower. Looks like I have time to check my email AND stop for coffee. Insomnia has its benefits!

8:06am - still at the keyboard. Hmmmm....minimal staffing at the office today. It's a holiday - what else did I expect? Quick read of the 4am ramblings I forgot to post on the blog.

8:17am - still cleaning up those 4 am ramblings. Crap - I still have to make lunch. Forget that!

8:27am - starting the car, looking down at the clock...I can still hit Rana Capelli if I hurry...

8:29am - don't need to hurry - it's Good Friday - no one is on the roads!

8:31am - and neither was the owner of the drive thru coffee shop. Pull up to the window, sign reads "Have a Good Friday. We will. Closed till Easter Monday"

8:37am - this is good...no one on the roads today, I'm making record time. Maybe I can make it to work really early!

8:39am - accident about a mile from work. Shit! I can't do it.

8:40am – the clock rolls over, and silence starts to build. I tried to run from it, but the absence of one sound creates a second presence in the car, drowning out even the radio that I’ve cranked to try to avoid the inevitable.

8:43 am – pull into the parking lot. Rock star spot! That’s the trade off for working a holiday. The wave of loneliness crashes over me and starts to recede as I see one more person pulling into the lot. If I hurry, I can get myself together and walk in with her so I don’t have to be alone.

Sometimes, I tire of running.

...that's MS. Hyde to you!

I didn't make a return to the blogosphere to cry on your virtual shoulders. I came back because a few people said they missed me, and because one in particular encouraged me to start writing again. That said, in skimming through the rest of the posts I've made this year, it does sound as though I'm back just to lament the state of the world.

Newsflash: Life's not THAT bad.

Yes, I'm in an emotional pit right now, trying to dig myself out. Yes, I'm not really sure which way is up. Yes, I'm experiencing a lot more hurt and confusion than I've had in years. But things could be so much worse that it's not even funny! My material needs are met - the bills are paid...and my friends surround me. That said, they also have no clue a thing is happening, except two very observant people whom I don't know that I can trust with my self.
Which is why I'm pulling this Dr. Jekyll/Ms. Hyde routine of whiplash between posts. One flighty, one deep...one curious and one sad.

I say this because I have thoughts I want to pursue and I can't do it with people. I tried earlier tonight and one of my best friends' response was "Yep...that's a pickle. Don't know what you're going to do." So I'll do it here.

Thanks for listening. After all, you can just keep clicking through if I'm too much! :)

Slipping away and nothing I can do

It's there again. That emptiness...except emptiness isn't the right word because that insinuates that I can fill it.

How about void? Void works nicely. Because it's a hole larger than I can fill alone, larger than I can repair with a spiritual Band-aid. Let's go with void, shall we?

It's my fault I feel this way. Something I truly want is slipping away and the bad thing is...I've seen it coming. I've seen this unfolding and I haven't had the strength to stop it before now. My mind has seen the logic, my heart has seen the desperation. I've prayed for guidance, and thought I was receiving none. Perhaps I was after all, and as a stupid human being simply ignored it, thinking that God couldn't be that simple.

I prayed for love....I receive hurt. I pray for forgiveness, I feel more guilt. I ask for a glimpse into whether I'm making the right decisions...and I get a turn of events that tells me, no, I must be doing something wrong. Now I just hope o find a way to right my wrongs and repair the damage done.

But there's nothing I can do. For anyone. So tonight I indulge this desperation and tomorrow I begin to close off that void. I'm utterly paralyzed by the thought of making the wrong decision again, but I can't just sit here.

My Bar Tab Is $520.50

So I'm sitting here trying to catch up on some long lost blogs I've not read in a while, and I stumbled onto a post from Wordnerd that looked kinda fun. Basically, it's a sort of purity test....you go through the list and each questions is assigned a dollar value. At the end, you don't admit which ones you've done, just your tab.

Mine's $520.50

Wow...I'm not as dull as I thought I'd be. Maybe that's why I couldn't find anything else to say right now. Either that or knowing I have a few other things I should do before I come back and write more....

Making a list...checking it twice....

I'm no Santa Claus....I'm not even a good Mrs. Claus...but I'm taking a page from Santa's book and making my own list tonight. This time, it's of topics I want to talk about but have no time to do so.

I can tell I've been writing more...or talking less...or introverting more and showing more high gloss to the world...because I'm starting to come up with more things I want to write about. Rather than bore you with all of them, however, here's a brief list. Let me know what interests you:

1: The fast-track to sainthood. Pope Benedict waived the five-year waiting period for Pope John Paul II. Pope John Paul II waived the time period for Mother Teresa. Is this indicative of our society's lack of patience? Or is it a marketing ploy for the Catholic Church, trying to reach out to a younger demographic in a time when the argument could be made the traditions are dying?

2: Emotion as currency. You can say that "you're spent." Can you spend emotion as currency? Can you run out of love? Or hate? Or worry? Or care?

3: Keith Richards found a VERY strange way to honor his deceased father....

4: Judgment from the perch. It's so easy to say what you would do were you in someone else's shoes. But it's not so easy not to impose those ideas and thoughts on others.

Time to run..ideas? Suggestions?

Something's Missing....

The Boomtown Rats didn't like Mondays. I've got 'em beat by a day. Sundays slay me.

First off, I just don't seem to get anything done. It's like a retail store in the South, Sunday starts late and ends early. I wake up in the morning, and read the Sunday paper. Instead of it being a relaxing experience over a cup of coffee, though, it turns into a race against the clock to finish the mammoth beast off before I can get to anything else in my day. Noon rolls around and the phone starts to ring....people looking for a lazy Sunday experience and people to have it with. Nope...I'm usually booked already. Time blocked off for this person or that project. And all has to be wrapped up by the time dancing starts or I feel guilty about not honoring THAT committment, one that is truly about as voluntary as they come.

Second, Sunday is a day of confrontations. With all the time that's available and no rigid constraints, people seem to pick this day as one to expect things of me, or launch into long elaborate conversations that explain my deficiencies and shortcomings, sometimes in a very hurtful manner. I can't recall the last time I didn't end a Sunday with some sort of negative feelings. Even so, I do my best not to dread them, as they are still a hundred times better than the good days at work!

Today, however, it's particularly painful. Forgive me if my language leans a touch dark here, and for indulging me at least on the surface...but the best way to describe it is that I feel as though I have a hole at the center of my being. Something's missing, and no matter how hard I try I can't stop the ache to get it back. I woke up with this feeling at about 5 this morning, grasping for my sanity. clutching for that which would make me whole. I failed.

It's an odd way to describe it, but I started the day with a weight in my heart. I've spent the day crying about it, running from it. and even trying to smash into it face first. I don't often have these, but it's a day of why does the world work this way? Why take from us that which we need. To show us that we don't need it? To offer a greater apprciation for that which can not be taken away? To force an examination of self and a realignment of priorities?

Or is the universe and all the forces that create it just playing with us like a cat on canip having a field day with a ball of string?

Meow!

Dentyne-isms

I rarely buy gum, but I picked up three packs of Dentyne for a friend yesterday. They have these awesome little sayings on the backs....Dentyne-isms. I can't seem to find a website for them, so pardon me if I get this wrong, but one of them hit the nail on the head....

Dentyne-ism #19: Don't date anyone who says they "need to be selfish right now."

Once again...Words of Wisdom from a bubble gum wrapper.

Did you know...

Today is Quirky Country Music Song Titles Day? Yeppers - a day to remember the crazy songs with titles that make your eyes and ears do a double take. A few of my favorites (and yes, I listened to most of these growing up)

"I'm Gonna Hire a Wino to Decorate Our Home"
"Drop Kick Me, Jesus, Through the Goalpost Of Life"
"You're the Reason Our Kids Are Ugly."
"At the Gas Station of Love, I Got the Self Service Pump"

and one of my dad's favorites from the early 80s...

"Get Your Tongue Outta My Mouth 'Cause I'm Kissin' You Goodbye"

Here...peruse this list and get a few faves of your own :)

Nothing...just babbling

It's late and I really should be heading off to bed right now. Problem is, I want to write. Despite all the obstacles, the mental blocks, the timing, the everything that should be telling me no, I still want to write. And yet, I have nothing to say.

Maybe that's why I want to write...I want what I can't have. There seems to be a lot of that in my life lately as well, or at least in my mind. Things I don't even allow myself to want, except in the dead of night. When all the lights are off and the house falls silent. In those moments where you teeter between wakefulness and sleep, when the body relaxes and the mind tenses. Those are the moments when my psyche carries off into a world of its own creation, abandoning the constraints of the daily grind and flirting with the possibilities seen only by the mind's eye.

Sorry - I've been quite introspective of late, with my mind's eye quite often turning inward to examine myself. Pondering questions for which I think I will never receive an answer...second guessing my decisions and looking for reasons why to questions whose only answer can be, "because." In my waking hours, I convince myself that "because" is more than enough, for while the unravelling of the yarn is both fun and revealing, to figure out a definitive answer would take some of the magic out of it all.

That said, nothing has stopped me from peeling back the layers and searching for the greater why...how that which appears to contradict itself could, in reality, not only co-exist, but even thrive in a symbiosis that only proves life is not as it appears to be. Yet, as the ideal and the reality are in direct conflict with each other, I find myself in a state of utter confusion much of the time.

In case of confusion, break glass. I've broken it. Now what?

Now, I go to bed. You can tell it's been a while since I've tried to just write off the top of my head. Either that, or I just have too much on my mind right now. Too many conversations unspoken out of fear or respect or intimidation. Maybe if I do a few more of these I'll get my words to fall in place a little easier. Right now, it feels like I'm herding cats.

Bridge to the past

Disney has turned one of my favorite children's books into a movie, and I'm not sure how I feel about the idea. The book is Bridge to Terabithia by Katherine Paterson and the basic story was about two kids who didn't quite fit in and how they used the power of their imaginations to create their own world, one imaginary and one reality. It ends quite sadly, but it still inspired years of creativity and play in my backyard and with the neighbors. I hear the author's son is involved in the production of the film, so I'm sure it's true to the book.

When I was a kid, I never fit in. I often lost myself in the plotlines of a story, and when I read this one, I loved the idea that it took so little for someone to find a place in the world...or to create their own. So I did.

There was a creek through my parents' backyard...bordered by rhododendron bushes so tall an 8 or 9 year old could easily crawl under them and sit for hours. And I did. I would salvage scraps of wood from the woodpile to use as chairs and wirespools to use as a table. I picked chives and imagined I could mix postions with them. I fashioned a fishing pole from a branch and a vine. I caught more minnows with my hands than I did with that thing, but I would sit there for hours, making up stories in my head and dangling the vine into the creek. Sometimes, I'd even jump it, or take off my shoes and dip my toes in the water. Both of those were quite daring, though, since both were the sort of things my parents would forbid. I was never a bold child - never willing to even test the corners of my parents' disapproval.

One year, a tree fell during a storm, and provided me with a natural boundary between the yard and my space. I gave the land a name, and spent every weekend down by the creek, playing outside. From time to time, Mom would come tp the edge of the back deck and call my name, to make sure I hadn't run off. Otherwise, it was all mine.

Then a neighbor moved into the house next door. Her back yard sloped off much as ours did... though to a different section of the creek. In my child's state of pride in what my imagination had created, I shared the idea with her and loaned her the book. She was nearly as enchanted as I was, and for the next year we ran between her yard and mine, somestimes playing, sometimes running from her little brother who wanted to be part of everything we did. Her dog, Molly, was the official mascot and joined us whenever we were out.

As with all things, this too came to an end. It was slowly...the neighbor became more interested in New Kids on the Block and Nintendo than in playing outside. My classes at school got harder, and I took up field hockey after school. Our games moved indoors and included more people. When we did go outside, it was for what she deemed "more dignified" sports, like badminton. I changed schools to the public school she went to, and found friends my own age (she was two grades behind me).

The tree that fell back then has long since disintegrated. I've not been back there in years to check on the status of the creek and the minnows and the rhododendron. Sometimes, I think memories are best left in the mind and not revisited. At least, not without reason.

Thanks Flash - your last post made me start thinking of this...

Tag - I'm it.

It's midnight as I start to write and I really have nothing to write about. However, with the time change today, it only FEELS like 11pm and I'm not tired. So instead, I'll sit down and start plugging away. Perhaps this will turn into something worth reading or maybe it will just be drivel, but I've got to get back in the habit of writing when I feel like this.

It's been a depressing day, so I don't want to go there. And I figure you guys could care less about the random thoughts swirling in my head right now... I know - I'll answer the tagging that Farrago hit me with....Five little known facts about myself. The flip side - five bloggers to tag - won't be happening because I've been such an unknown in the blogosphere of late that I don't even have five addresses (that's what happens when you have to rebuild your computer from the hard drive up. Ugh!)

Let's see...what to tell you...Farrago, don't be offended if I catapult off of your admissions.

1) Like any good teenager of the 80s, I sported a mouth full of orthodontia for two and a half years. The glorious day finally came - my orthodontist removed the hardware and made impressions for retainers to keep the teeth where they belonged. In the two days it took to get the retainer made, my teeth went right back to where they were two years before. Another sign of my stubbornness.

2) Were it not for computers, I wouldn't be a writer. My handwriting is abysmal, and typewriters gave me writer's block from looking at all my failures and bad ideas.

3) I didn't get into the habit of drinking alcohol until I was a year and a half out of college.

4) I used to smoke clove cigarettes in college. That lasted about 6 months until they started making me sick.

5) I've read Dangerous Liasons in the original French.

Okay - who next....Flash, have you done this? Ultra? Scott?

Today's Rhetorical question

So as not to offend Ultra by spending too much time engaged in real, spoken conversation, I've decided to bring one of my more recent verbal discussions to the blog. Too bad no one's still reading to weigh in.

Anyway, here it is:

Can love...last?

On second thought, maybe I shoulda warmed you guys up with a softball...like "Newcastle or Sam Adams?"

Answer either.

There's no better time...

...than the present. I keep saying I'll post, so I'll do it now while I eat my dinner.

I've had this dream the last few nights that really troubles me. I'm in a house with a wall full of windows overlooking a stand of trees in the fall, the leaves about to drop. But it's not a house, per se...it's a doctor's office. At first glance, I think it's a pediatrician's office, with all the kids running around and what not. So I go in to see the doctor, and she's about my age. I undergo the physical and sit and await the results. Outside, I can hear kids laughing and playing under the window.

The doctor comes back. She tells me everything is fine and that in about a year I'll get pregnant, but I'm not privileged enough to choose my child. Turns out, all the children I hear, have yet to be born...they're waiting for fit mothers and the right situations. Somehow I know this in the dream, however. Anyway, she tells me that I get no say in the matter, and she points out the child I'm going to have. He's about 6 years old at this point, and looks just like a friend of mine. That prompts me to ask a few questions...is he healthy? is he happy? Who will the father be? She answers my questions and I leave the office.

As I walk out the door, my son-to-be runs right into my leg and looks up at me. He doesn't just look like my friend - he IS my friend...articulate as the adult I know. He scowls at me and asks what I've done wrong that he has to wait so long. I don't have an answer and I break down in tears. He berates me for not being ready now, and not being the mother he thinks I could be, and for even being there, wanting a child in the first place. My only response...."I want you, but I don't want your father" He replies, "Good, because I didn't want to be yours anyway."

I turn away bawling, and notice all my friends...in the office and visibly pregnant. Each one turns her back on me as I approach. Most have no comment...only one says "Your child doesn't want you? After everything you've been through? You must be an evil witch." I pull out a cell phone and call the man the doctor said would be the father. He hangs up on me. I sit on a swing and start to cry.

Suddenly, I feel an arm around my shoulders. It's the man whose name I hoped the doctor was going to say when I asked the question. He runs his fingers through my hair as I tell my story, laying out exactly how it's not going to happen because now that I know I can take evasive action. He says, "Some things you just can't avoid, and avoiding this would cost a life."

"Would you be with me?" I ask. "Could you stand me long enough to make a good home?"

"No," he says. "I can't. You're a sweet girl and all, but I can't play with fire like that. It's why you're here--You've been given a look into your future, and there are two choices. Accept what's been shown you, or turn it down for a life of solitude."

"But it wouldn't be solitude if we're together," I say.

"You're right...but you're just not worth it to me. Thanks for asking, though," he says and walks away. That's usually when I wake up, often in tears.

Like I said, kinda strange. That said, I've also been sick.

I have places to be..maybe when I get home I'll look it up in the dream dictionaries. It's just hard to find a translation for "future pregnancy"

I suck

Okay, you know it's been way too long since posting when blog-readers have to track you down and ask if you're blogging around on them. No, I've not blogged anyone else. I'm not blogging behind your back. I've simply, in the past, used this space as a place to pontificate and lately, there have been a few pair of ears who wanted to hear my thoughts. So I've been doing more speaking than writing....and it's taken away from my time to connect with the written word.

To the faithful who still read here, I apologize. I've likely run you all off anyway. However, I promised two posts within a week. A slightly longer vacation than I anticipated allowed me to miss that deadline. However, I'll post again soon. And sooner. And sooner.

After all, these conversations have led me to a number of questions to pose. Some rhetorical, some just damn funny. And some random observations to make...no wonder a friend tried to register "random" as part of a domain name for me.

Talk to you all soon. I hope.

The name is Bond...James Bond

Imagine yourself as a Bond girl because 0-0-7 is upon us. And just as it is for a Bond girl...it promises to be a thrilling ride full of intrigue, adventure, breath-taking moments, and sleepless nights. It could make your heart race if you choose to enage yourself, becoming intertwined with its most intimate workings.....or if you let it pass you by, leave you plagued with ennui while 007 races off to thwart another villain.

No matter which Bond girl you are....or which Bond you prefer.....here's hoping 007 ends like a Bond movie - with the hero and heroine safe on the other side (usually between some satin sheets in a remote location with a martini and little else between them)

Happy New Year to all!

***Edited to add: The questions are pouring in, and if forced to choose, I'd have to say I'm Carey Lowell in A License to Kill or Denise Richards in The World is Not Enough.... And Roger Moore was the best traditional Bond, although I do enjoy Pierce Brosnan TREMENDOUSLY!